


Unwavering

by hananokaze



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action, Action & Romance, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Drama, F/M, Romance, Tragedy, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-09-19 06:11:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 61,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20326402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hananokaze/pseuds/hananokaze
Summary: "I'm sorry things turned out this way."As Ruman puts her life on the line to bring Sasuke back to the village after he turns to the Akatsuki for power, Sasuke realizes there is no turning back with an unforgivable crime he commits. Love, loss, pain, anger, and growth are written in blood in this story of two young people who wonder if their lives were meant to cross like this in a seemingly impossible reality. They push and pull, but can they come together again? One cannot gain without losing, and, in the end, who really loses more?Chapter song: "Face Down" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus"Face down in the dirt, she said, 'This doesn't hurt.'"





	1. Unwavering

"Kakashi!" Pakkun's deep voice rang through the forest's silence. "Sasuke's scent is getting stronger, and so are the scents of three other people."

"It seems we're catching up," Kakashi commented.

Ruman felt her heart speed up at the thought of seeing Sasuke again for the first time in years, since he left Konoha. She saw Naruto clench his fists and grit his teeth out of the corner of her eye, and heard a twig snap loudly under his feet as he picked up his pace, hopping from tree branch to tree branch.

Ruman couldn't even begin to fathom how much this must mean to Naruto; although he also left Konoha for two long years to train with Jiraiya-sama, they all grew up together—her, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura—and she continued to watch him grow even when he returned from his intensive training. When they were younger, she sat through all their fights, sometimes acting as peacemaker because Sakura always stood on Sasuke's side and shunned Naruto. Sasuke didn't witness any of this because he was gone with Orochimaru, but Ruman had seen Naruto leave on mission after mission, time after time, attempt after attempt, to find Sasuke and bring him back. It crushed her to see how much Naruto was doing for Sasuke, only to be hurt over and over again in the end.

"You okay?" Ruman asked Naruto softly, eyes fixated on their path of tree branches to keep up with him.

"I don't know," Naruto admitted. "All I do know, is that this time we're gonna get Sasuke. We have to."

Ruman stayed quiet, but her thoughts echoed his. After everything Naruto had gone through, with all traces of Sasuke completely disappearing for so long, Ruman vowed to give her everything in order to bring Sasuke back home.

Sai and Kakashi were at the front following Pakkun's lead, while Naruto and Ruman stayed closely behind, forming their four-man cell. It was silent for a bit, with only the sounds of tree branches flying past them and the wind in their ears as they moved swiftly. Catching Ruman and Naruto's exchange, Sai murmured to Kakashi, "I don't understand."

Kakashi turned his head toward Sai.

"I don't understand why those two are willing to go so far for Sasuke-kun, when he has clearly gone down a path of evil and has had no intentions of returning to them," Sai said emotionlessly.

Kakashi just turned his attention back to Pakkun's path, before replying, "You will."

"Say, Ruman-chan..." Naruto began hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"Did you think about him?" he asked, looking down with forlorn eyes.

"I did," Ruman breathed, without hesitance.

She closed her eyes for a moment, and sighed. "I don't think there was a day when I didn't think about him, to be honest. We were like a family, and for him to just leave... who wouldn't think about him? I thought about him while training, pushing myself to work harder so I would be strong enough when we faced him—sometimes I thought I couldn't take it anymore, but just the thought of bringing him back kept me going."

Naruto was silent.

"Me too."

Ruman smiled softly, for she already knew that Naruto felt exactly the same way. She was simply there to remind him that he wasn't alone, and that Sasuke meant as much to her as he did to everyone. He needed the reassurance sometimes.

"I remember when Team 7 was first formed," Naruto recalled, cracking a small, sad smile. "Sasuke looked so annoyed since we were the only group that had four Genins instead of three; that jerk really had the nerve to tell us all not to be hindrances to him too."

"I know right?" Ruman chuckled, her soft red lips curling upwards. "Look at us now, busting our asses just to find him."

"We thought more people in a team meant a bigger burden in the beginning," Naruto admitted. "But that just meant there are more people who care—you, Sakura-chan, Kakashi sensei... we all want to bring Sasuke back."

"Yeah," Ruman murmured.

"Sakura-chan was always so hopelessly in love with him, always chasing after him," Naruto reminisced. "But Sasuke was always nicer to you, or at least more patient."

Ruman felt her heart skip a beat as blood rushed to her cheeks.

"Nah," she said coolly, trying to keep herself from falling into the trap of false hope. "I was just like anyone else to him. Plus we were on the same team, of course he had to treat me well."

"Did you have feelings for Sasuke?"

The question hit Ruman out of nowhere, even though she probably should have seen it coming. She clamped her mouth shut and her throat went dry.

Naruto just laughed.

_Was I really special? _she wondered to herself. As much as she tried to shake off the thought, she couldn't keep the nostalgic memories from flooding her mind.

It was a warm spring day that day.

* * *

_"Sasuke!" Ruman called, jogging over to him as he walked down the busy streets of the village alone, hands in his pockets._

_Sasuke turned around to see Ruman running towards him, soft black hair dancing in the wind behind her._

_"What is it?" he asked._

_"Spar with me," Ruman panted, smiling._

_Sasuke turned back around and kept walking, leaving Ruman behind._

_"Get someone else to do it," he responded nonchalantly over his shoulder. "I don't feel like it."_

_She rolled her eyes. Sasuke's always been like this. If you wanted him to do something, you'd have to keep bugging him relentlessly until he gave in._

_Ruman picked up her pace, trailing behind him._

_"Come on~" she coaxed as he kept walking._

_"I don't have time. Why don't you get Naruto or Sakura?" Sasuke mumbled with closed eyes, head tilted back lazily._

_"Liar—you're not even doing anything!" Ruman protested. "Naruto's never serious about training with me, and Sakura doesn't have the same strength as you do..."_

_Sasuke slowed to a stop._

_"Please?" Ruman nudged persistently._

_Sasuke sighed._

_"Thirty minutes."_

_"Thanks Sasuke," she beamed._

_He simply grunted in response._

_Typical._

* * *

_"Ready?" Ruman hollered from the other side of the grassy meadow she and Sasuke were standing in._

_Sasuke shrugged._

_Even standing so many feet across from him, Ruman could feel Sasuke's calm, collected aura radiating towards her._

_She took a deep breath. Ruman knew close combat was her weakest area—she still got nervous about not being able to react quickly enough when being attacked—but that was all the more reason to keep practicing with someone she could learn from, rather than running from her weakness and fear._

_"Here I go," she said under her breath._

_Ruman charged towards Sasuke with determination, wanting to at least be able to land a few scratches on him._

_Once she was within range, she swung her arm towards Sasuke's head and swept her foot under him, both attacks of which he managed to effortlessly dodge. She grunted with each hit she made, focusing all her force into a specific area she was aiming for._

_It's begun._

_Once she and Sasuke had gotten into the rhythm of sparring, it seemed to get a little easier to keep up with him. Ruman was able to block or dodge his attacks for the most part, but she got the feeling he was probably going easy on her._

_She was just barely keeping up with him, and soon enough, two... five... seven minutes passed._

_So far, Ruman had been on the offense, and Sasuke on defense. Other than a few jabs here and there, Sasuke hadn't even actively attacked her yet. While she appreciated the thought, it also frustrated her that her and Sasuke's fighting skill levels were so far apart despite both of them being Genin._

_Without warning, Sasuke pivoted and swung his leg at Ruman's cheek in a roundabout kick. It took both her arms crossed over each other in order to block his strong advance, and even that would surely leave bruises on her arms for a good week. The force in Sasuke's kick was enough to knock the air out of Ruman, her heels digging backwards into the dirt. If she hadn't seen it coming a split second earlier, her head might have been smashed in._

_"Holy crap, Sasuke," Ruman huffed, panting heavily._

_"Still too slow, Ruman," Sasuke said firmly._

_He's so fast... Ruman thought to herself as she felt sweat beads forming on her forehead and back._

_As Sasuke went for Ruman's head with his fist, she saw an opening in his defense while his other hand was occupied blocking her punch—an opportunity._

_Ruman ducked and hurled herself towards his belly with all her might, letting her own weight carry him down to the soft ground along with her. She quickly used the momentum of their fall to her advantage, landing herself above him. Soon enough, Sasuke was laying on his back in the grass with Ruman sitting just above his ribcage. She pointed her fist down at his face, smiling proudly._

_"Boom," she laughed. "I win!"_

_Sasuke just sighed, rolling his eyes slightly._

_Something wasn't right._

_Before Ruman could process what was happening, Sasuke had freed his arm from underneath her and swept it past her shoulder, targeting her head. With that one move, he swiftly pushed himself off the ground and knocked her right off of him, swinging his leg over her instead._

_Ruman suddenly found herself on her back, looking up at Sasuke with her arms pinned against the grass above her head._

_"We've switched positions," Sasuke observed, sighing again. "If you're going to declare victory, you've gotta make sure you can hold your enemy down, Ruman. You didn't even hold my arms still or anything... just your weight in its own isn't enough to hold me down."_

_Ruman bit her lip._

_"You're heavy, but not that heavy," he teased her, a bit cheekily. "But don't worry, at least in real combat you have me, since you suck at close-range fighting."_

_Frustrated and refusing to give in, Ruman mustered her energy to swing her leg forward, hoping to hit the back of Sasuke's head while he straddled her._

_To her despair, Sasuke was strong enough to hold both of her hands down with just one of his, and consequently blocked her attempted assault with his other hand._

_"Nice try."_

_Ruman continued to squirm under Sasuke, but finally gave in as her body was sore and aching all over from the fight. She relaxed, and pouted, "You win."_

_After admitting defeat, it struck Ruman that Sasuke was literally sitting on top of her._

_They have never been this physically close before, but she was so caught up trying to overpower him earlier that she didn't notice._

_This position was a bit... intimate._

_Although acting indifferent, Ruman caught the little triumphant smirk playing at the edges of Sasuke's lips—he knew he was good, and constantly winning in these small combats only further reinforced that._

_"Well, I know close-combat fighting isn't your forte, so don't feel too bad about it," Sasuke pointed out. "Plus you gave it a pretty good shot—I mean you're up against me here."_

_Ruman's cheeks started to flush a soft red._

_"I suck and I know it," she mumbled. "But I'll get better! I just have to practice more."_

_She looked away in embarrassment._

_Sasuke's expression softened a little at this._

_"Keep practicing, and I'll spar again with you next time," he said casually, glancing away as well._

_Ruman felt her face get even warmer. It was really nice of Sasuke to offer that, considering he obviously treated sparring with her as a nuisance earlier._

_"...Thanks."_

_The two stayed there quietly for a minute, until Ruman couldn't handle her heart's loud pounding in her ears anymore. Sasuke still had a strong grip on her wrists, and she felt awkwardly exposed and vulnerable lying beneath him with her arms above her head._

_Admittedly, the view of Sasuke from down where she was wasn't all that bad._

_Ruman mentally smacked herself for getting distracted, and opened her mouth to break the silence._

_"Um... Sasuke, you can let go of me now. I'm not gonna punch you, and you're cutting off the blood circulation to my legs."_

_Alarmed and realizing he'd been sitting on top of her the whole time, Sasuke hopped off of her at the speed of light and muttered, "Sorry."_

_He looked embarrassed as Ruman sat back up, massaging her legs to get the blood flowing again—they'd started to feel a little numb with Sasuke's weight on top of her for so long._

_Ruman snuck a peek at him in the silence; Sasuke's face was just slightly flushed after losing his usual, cool composure for a brief moment—a rare sight, really._

_Ruman suppressed a giggle to herself._

_Sasuke is still a boy, after all._

_He must've felt how close they were too, but Ruman thought it was nice to have the polite barrier broken between them once in awhile. She wondered if his heart sped up at all like hers did._

_"Well, thirty minutes is up," Sasuke announced, getting up to leave. "I'm going home then."_

_"Wait for me!" Ruman shot up, brushing the dirt and grass off of herself. "Jeez, what's the rush? We live in the same direction, so let's just walk back together."_

_"Suit yourself."_

_Despite Sasuke's expected cool tone, he still felt warm to Ruman. He always acted so disinterested, yet she could always pick out the underlying tenderness in his voice._

_Ruman tried to justify her wanting to walk home with Sasuke as an act of convenience, but she was smart enough not to lie to herself. She wanted to spend more time with him and she knew it._

_Hopefully he didn't, though._

_Although Ruman admitted to herself that she wanted to maximize her time together with Sasuke, every time the thought of actually confronting her feelings towards him rose, she still shook them away._

_Ruman walked quietly behind Sasuke, eyes fixed on the Uchiha crest he wore so proudly on the back of his blue shirt every day. She walked up beside him and matched her steps with his. The sun was still high up in the sky, as it was only early afternoon._

_Hell, she didn't even know what she would do when she got home, but if Sasuke was going home, then she was too. The simple little things they did together—making small talk, walking home, or even sitting in silence—made her happy. Ruman was content just being by his side._

_But he couldn't ever know that._

_She would willingly watch Sasuke silently from the sidelines, and promise to have his back as a comrade, and as a friend._

* * *

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, Ruman-chan," Naruto laughed, bringing Ruman back down to Earth. "All I'm saying is that you may call me stupid sometimes, but I can at least notice obvious things about my comrades."

"Shut up, stupid," Ruman grumbled. Naruto was always teasing her.

_Sheesh, I'm the nicest to him and the most patient with him out of this team, and this is how he repays me?_

"You two," Kakashi's sudden voice interrupted Ruman's thoughts. "Sasuke and them seemed to have slowed down, which means we'll most likely be confronting them soon. Be ready."

Ruman swallowed dryly and felt Naruto tense up beside her.

"Got it."

The next few minutes that passed felt as short as seconds and as long as years. Ruman felt the turmoil within her disrupting her thoughts.

_I want to see Sasuke, but part of me feels so scared... I don't even know what I'm scared of._

But she did.

Ruman was afraid that they would not actually be able to bring Sasuke back, despite having so much manpower. She was afraid that even if they could forcefully make him return, he would be a changed person. She was afraid that he'd despise them. She was afraid that he'd already thrown away all their friendship, while she was still foolishly strung up over him. She was afraid she'd be too weak.

This boy... the one who excelled in every aspect among his peers, the one who killed the very master he abandoned his village to follow, the one who successfully killed his brother with his own hands... they'd be facing him soon.

Ruman had so many questions for Sasuke. About him murdering Orochimaru, finally taking his revenge against Itachi, and leaving her behind those years ago. He had broken the promise he made to her and Team 7, that he would have their backs. He called himself a man of his word, yet abandoned the only remaining people who loved him most—the ones who were more than willing to watch his back and fight alongside him.

Ruman wasn't sure if the pain in her chest was from exerting too much energy in a frenzy to move as fast as she could in order to catch up to Sasuke, or the physical aching in her heart that returned every day whenever she remembered him.

Ruman's senses immediately picked up the familiar feeling of Sasuke's chakra.

It was time.

She looked up, and sure enough, there he was.

"Sasuke!" Naruto yelled.

Naruto, Kakashi, Pakkun, Sai, and Ruman all came to a complete stop in a small clearing surrounded by the towering trees.

With his back towards her, Ruman's stomach twisted into knots at the sight of the signature crimson clouds on the Akatsuki robe Sasuke wore, along with the other three people he was with—two male and one female.

The silhouette of the boy she'd admired most and quietly given her heart to was standing before her very eyes. He felt so familiar, yet unfamiliar.

"Sasuke!" Naruto yelled again, his voice just barely detectable of desperation.

Sasuke turned around slowly to face him. His charcoal eyes were emotionless and dark, just like the aura that surrounded him.

He still looked as alluring as ever, and if Ruman hadn't been scarred emotionally, one look from him might have been enough to make her forget that he ever hurt her.

"Naruto."

Naruto stiffened.

"What do you want?" Sasuke asked icily.

"We're here to take you back to the village of Konoha," Sai said firmly for Naruto, taking a step forward.

"You say the word 'back' like there's somewhere I should return to," Sasuke replied in a stony voice. "I don't know if you guys are dumb or in denial, but I have nothing to do with Konoha anymore."

Ruman felt her heart throb at Sasuke's words.

He said it so easily, like he really didn't care at all. It may have been a while since Ruman last saw him, but she didn't remember Sasuke's eyes ever looking so cold.

"Sasuke..." Ruman murmured without realizing, her voice barely audible.

Sasuke turned his head ever-so-slightly towards her in response to his name, his onyx irises piercing through her brown ones.

Ruman wanted to say something to him. Perhaps she was angry, sad, or neither. She just wanted to say something to him. About all the memories they shared together as a team. About all the now-empty promises they had made in the past as friends. About him abandoning her when she finally thought she'd found people she cared about, who cared about her in return.

But she couldn't. Her throat was completely dry, her mind blank. She just stood there gaping at him, unable to believe they were standing face-to-face.

"Even if you don't want to come back, I'll make you come back," Naruto snarled, hurling himself towards Sasuke to attack him.

"Naruto—!" Ruman began, trying to stop him.

It looked like a battle was inevitable, but they were all prepared for this—even if they didn't want to be.

Before Ruman could reach Naruto, a lanky boy with platinum blue hair beside Sasuke jumped in front of him and swung a sword larger than his body at Naruto with inconceivable strength.

_This guy is so skinny... how can he swing that sword with so much force and control? Is that even possible?_

Naruto coiled back in response, wary of the large weapon.

"Get out of the way," Naruto growled.

"As if," the boy smirked, exposing his sharp, fang-like teeth. "Sasuke's the reason I'm even out here, so I can't let you put any scratches on him, can I?"

The boy's purple eyes harbored a devious glimmer.

Ruman clenched her fists tight.

Were they going to fight here? Was this it? Would this be the face-off between Sasuke and them that she had been anticipating, preparing for, and fearing for the last three years?

The other two unfamiliar faces standing beside Sasuke tensed up as well. The larger, hefty male on Sasuke's left with spiky, flaming orange hair looked distraught and apprehensive, but ready to fight. He was definitely well-built, and Ruman didn't doubt his strength. On Sasuke's right stood a girl with red, ungroomed hair. Her black, almond-shaped glasses gleamed in the sunlight, and she stood, closely attached to Sasuke.

Ruman's eyes narrowed at her.

_Who is she?_ Ruman wondered. _I don't even know her, but the way she's standing next to Sasuke... why do I feel so agitated?_

They all seemed around the same age as Ruman and her team. Although she didn't want to even think about who was stronger, there was no denying that if Sasuke recruited this girl, she must be extremely capable somehow. Ruman's underlying insecurity about herself immediately resurfaced, causing her heart to pound hard against her chest.

_What if... I can't defeat them? All that training... what if it ends up being for nothing?_

Ruman bit her lip.

_What if we can't bring Sasuke back today?_

Sasuke's stony voice broke Ruman's chain of thought.

"How annoying," he chuckled condescendingly. "If you're not careful, you'll be killed, Naruto."

Ruman's eyes darted to Naruto, who grit his teeth together.

"Suigetsu, Jugo, take care of these nuisances," Sasuke taunted, turning away. "Karin and I are leaving first."

"Sasuke—" Ruman croaked, but he was already gone.

"You bastard," Naruto snarled, getting ready to run after Sasuke.

"I don't think so," Suigetsu—the fishy-looking boy—interrupted, blocking Naruto's path with his sword.

Naruto widened his stance, a signal that he was ready to fight.

"Ruman-chan," Naruto glowered.

Ruman looked at him.

"You and everyone else go after Sasuke. I can take care of these two myself."

"But Naruto—"

"Just go."

Naruto broke his sullen expression for a second and smiled reassuringly at her.

"Do you really think I can't handle these two scrubs?" Naruto joked.

Seeing how Ruman still looked uncertain, he reassured, "Don't worry about me. We can't let Sasuke get away this time, right?"

He was right.

"Be careful," she warned, turning around to leave. "You better catch up to us soon. Promise me."

"I promise," Naruto grinned. "I can't die here."

"Why are you taking so long?" Suigetsu jeered at Naruto from behind. "Are you scared of fighting us?"

As Naruto beckoned for her to go, Ruman hesitantly looked up at Kakashi-sensei—already up on the tree branch and ready to go—who just nodded at her. She reluctantly turned around, and jumped back up onto the tree branch to follow Sasuke, leaving Naruto behind to fight Suigetsu and Jugo. With this, Ruman, Pakkun, Kakashi and Sai hopped right back on Sasuke's trail.

As they started jumping from tree to tree again, Ruman heard Naruto's familiar fighting voice grow distant, along with the "poofs" of his signature shadow clones being summoned.

Even though she was used to it now, Ruman still hated the sounds of clashing and fighting whenever she knew her friends were in danger. Regardless of how much faith she had in them and how capable she knew they were, she couldn't stand the idea of them getting hurt.

_Naruto..._

Ruman squeezed her eyes shut and told herself to toughen up. She had a job to do.

_Sasuke, what's happened to you?_

She had so many questions and so many confusing emotions, but now was not the time to get distracted.

Fifteen minutes of hot pursuit had passed, and Ruman's legs were starting to feel sore. She wondered how far ahead Sasuke and the girl named Karin had gotten. Just the thought of Karin rubbed her the wrong way.

"You two, stop," Kakashi suddenly ordered.

Ruman and Sai froze in their tracks on command, each holding onto their respective tree trunks. Leave it to her teacher and team captain to be sharp, for Ruman had just barely detected another person's presence after they stopped.

"Oooh, a quick one, are we?" a high, singsong voice rang through the air.

Ruman's head snapped in the voice's direction to see a man with black, grass-like hair standing several feet above them in an even taller tree. His face was covered by a thick, orange mask with one eye-hole—the design on it reminded her of a whirlpool. She couldn't put her finger on why, but this man gave her an uneasy feeling.

Ruman's whole body grew tense at the sight of the Akatsuki robe this man also wore.

Who was he? Did he have something to do with Sasuke turning to the Akatsuki? What did he want?

"I'm sorry, but I can't let you go past here," the man sang.

Without giving the man a chance to say another word, Sai lurched forward and drew his sword from its sheath without warning, aiming for the man's heart.

Ruman's jaw dropped at what she saw: Sai's entire body just flew through the masked man's.

_What the..._

Was this man even real? Was he transparent?

Right after Sai's body flew through the man's, he grabbed Sai by his arm and flung him towards a tree trunk. Sai, being Sai, managed to save himself and land on his two feet agilely, but the problem at hand was how they were going to deal with this new enemy who obviously had no intentions of letting them move forward.

"Who are you?" Ruman demanded.

"Just a passerby," the man shrugged. He spoke lightheartedly as if everything were a joke to him, but Ruman knew this man was dangerous. She could feel it in her bones.

"Why am I getting the feeling that you're only here to deal with me?" Kakashi suddenly spoke calmly, grinning at the man. Although he was smiling, his intentions were unreadable. Ruman had no idea what her sensei was thinking.

"And that's why I said you're the quick one!" the man beamed. "You see, Sasuke's very tired from killing Itachi after Orochimaru, so I can't let you continue with these two over here."

He beckoned to Ruman and Sai.

Part of Ruman suddenly felt afraid. She had a sense of security when she was with Kakashi-sensei because he always knew what to do, but the fact that the masked man only thought Sasuke would be at a disadvantage was if Kakashi was there, meant that he believed it would be fine if it were just Ruman and Sai.

This man, wearing the same Akatsuki robe as Sasuke and his new partners, most definitely knew more about Sasuke's current abilities and limits.

"Looks like I don't have a choice then," Kakashi exhaled, pushing his headband up to reveal his infamous Sharingan. "Thanks for everything, but you can go back now, Pakkun."

"Be careful," Pakkun warned in his low voice before disappearing into the air at the release of his summoning.

"Ruman, Sai," Kakashi ordered. "Go after Sasuke. Be careful, and protect each other."

Even though the mysterious man's face was hidden behind a mask, Ruman could practically feel him smiling to himself as everything seemed to be playing out the way he wanted it to. As much as she didn't like it, there didn't seem to be any other option.

"Understood," Ruman and Sai said together.

"Kakashi-sensei..." Ruman began before turning around. "Be careful."

"Yeah."

Ruman and Sai darted off back into the trees to follow Sasuke, leaving their team leader behind.

As they continued on their mission in silence, Ruman's brows furrowed together in worry, anxiety, and uneasiness the whole time.

"What are you worried about?" Sai asked.

"Nothing," Ruman mumbled. She appreciated Sai's presence at this point in time; he's been through a lot with her and Naruto, and he's finally started to learn how to act like a friend and a real human, being rather than the emotionless rock-of-an-ANBU-agent. But opening up to him and discussing her feelings might still take a while.

Ruman had only ever really been able to share her most thoughtful ideas and views with Sasuke, since they were both much more mature for their age when they were young. She and Neji were also close since he was also intelligent—emotionally and intellectually—for his age, but because they were in different teams, it just didn't feel the same as when she and Sasuke talked together. 

And even if Sai were capable of being compassionate like a normal human being, the thought of replacing Sasuke with him shook her uneasily.

"Sai, later when we meet Sasuke..." Ruman said carefully. "Leave him to me."

Sai's eyes widened in surprise as he turned to her.

"But—"

"I know. You're probably stronger and more skilled than I am, but my guess is you're really still not a match for Sasuke," Ruman explained blankly. "So the best chance we've got is to let me talk to him; I understand him, I know his personality, and if Naruto's right, maybe he _will_ even listen to me."

Sai opened his mouth to protest, but both he and Ruman saw the same thing together at the same time—the two black robes with crimson clouds outlined in white.

They had caught up to Sasuke.

"There he is," Ruman breathed.

They picked up their pace and landed at the mouth of a cave at the bottom edge of a mountain, right outside the forest they were just in.

Sasuke and Karin seemed to be already waiting for them.

Ruman and Sai walked towards them, stopping about 20 feet away. Ruman and Sai stood side by side, both on guard, facing Sasuke. Karin stood a little behind Sasuke, shielded from them.

The mere sight of him was enough to render her speechless. His shoulders had broadened, his face was more chiseled, and he had grown taller. Sasuke was growing up, just as she was, yet she could not be by his side to watch him grow like she once thought she would be able to. They were supposed to grow up together, but Ruman felt like she was left behind.

She hated to admit it, but even cold, apathetic Sasuke still looked as handsome as ever. Ruman knew he was never one to be engrossed with his physical features, but the way he could shake up her heart by simply doing nothing really bugged her.

The last time they stood face to face like this was three years ago.

It was a full moon that night, but unlike the moon and the stars, Ruman's heart was left dimmed, empty, and cracked.

* * *

_It was the middle of the night, and, once again, Ruman couldn't sleep._

_She's always had issues with sleeping, but she'd learned to come to terms with it and find ways to occupy her time while she was awake, rather than try unsuccessfully to force herself to fall asleep._

_Over the years, Ruman discovered that she found peace in taking nighttime walks whenever her mind just couldn't rest—her body was exhausted, but it was her mind that never seemed to shut down._

_As routine called, Ruman sighed as she sat up in bed._

_"Not this again," she mumbled, ruffling her hair._

_She slid out of the covers and into her slippers, whilst peering out the window._

_It didn't look cold outside—it looked warm, in fact, despite the dark, cool tones casted over the village from the moon. There wasn't a single cloud in the sky, and the stars twinkled from up above like a river of diamonds._

_The serene night sky would usually put her heart at ease, but Ruman just couldn't relax that tonight. Something felt wrong._

_She couldn't stop thinking about the Chūnin exams and all the horrors they held that would surely traumatize her forever._

_Ruman walked over to the mirror that hung on her wardrobe, until she was close enough to see her reflection clearly in the moonlit room. She trailed her fingers over the bandaged wound on her shoulder and shuddered as she was reminded of what happened in the Forest of Death._

_It all started when Orochimaru first gave Sasuke the Cursed Seal of Heaven on his neck, eerily promising that Sasuke would surely seek Orochimaru out himself for greater power. Naruto and Sasuke had both been unconscious after fighting Orochimaru, so Ruman and Sakura had to seek refuge for them under the trunk of a towering tree. Being the other girl on the team, Sakura always saw Ruman as some sort of competitor for Sasuke even though they were friends, so she had rushed over to Sasuke's side to take care of him before Ruman even had the chance._

_Of course, Naruto was Ruman's teammate just as much as Sasuke was, so she didn't mind. She cared immensely about them both._

_It was when the boys were unconscious that Team 7 was attacked by Team Dosu—Ruman and Sakura were both exhausted and no match for them. The ninja named Tsuchi Kin had grabbed Sakura by her hair and humiliated her, and provoked her to the point of cutting all her long, pink hair off with a kunai knife. Ruman was held in a chokehold by one of the other ninjas, and had never felt so helpless while she watched Sakura try to fight Kin, only to be brutally beaten._

_Ruman had never killed before, just like all the other Konoha Genin, but in that moment, with the Oto ninjas looking down on her and Sakura, it may have been her only chance._

_She had taken advantage of the Oto ninja's doubt of their skills, and rammed the kunai knife she hid in her waistband into her attacker's gut. As he staggered backwards and let go of Ruman, she whipped around, aiming for his throat to finish him completely._

_The bloodcurdling scream that came out of his teammates' throats would ring in her ears forever._

_Kin had directed her attention from Sakura, limp and motionless on the ground, to Ruman and snarled the words "bitch" and "garbage" at her._

_It was then Ruman had fought close-range with a real opponent for the first time, but Kin was much faster and cunning than she was. Kin was able to effortlessly slash Ruman's right shoulder open, letting blood gush from the wound, while Ruman contemplated if this would be her end._

_She'd never forget the feeling of her right arm going weak, no longer able to wield a weapon, while her left hand tightly holding the wound wasn't even enough to stop the bleeding. She'd never forget how much red she saw that day._

_As she squeezed her eyes shut at the sight of Kin lurching towards her with a clear intent to kill, Lee, Neji, and Tenten sprang out of the bushes to their rescue._

_As Neji ran over to Ruman to check to see if she was okay, Lee had began to fight the Oto ninjas. Ruman had started to feel queasy from the loss of blood, and collapsed to the dirt ground completely._

_She saw Team 10 hold off the Oto ninjas well enough to feel reassured, until she caught sight of Sasuke slowly standing up._

_The curse mark Orochimaru had given him earlier on his neck had traveled all down his body, a blazing orange color. A chakra so vicious, so dark, and so malicious emanated from Sasuke's whole being, and it was enough to make Ruman tremble in fear._

_Sasuke had made his way over to the ninja named Abumi Zaku and brutally dislocated his shoulders just to cause him pain. The crunching of his bones made Ruman sick to her stomach._

_She had never seen Sasuke in a state of such hateful, violent, and murderous intent._

_It was then that Sakura flung herself onto Sasuke, hugging him and crying, begging him to stop._

_Ruman had never felt so helpless—she wanted to stop him, but all she could do was lay on the ground, writhing from the sheer agony in her shoulder._

_Although relief washed over Ruman as she saw Sasuke gain control over the deadly seal, she could not shake the feeling of bitterness and worthlessness tugging at her._

_Those were the last feelings she felt before completely losing consciousness._

_Ruman felt a knot form in her throat recalling these fresh memories as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Rumors had ended up drifting around that Ruman was the first Genin in their year to kill someone, but it turned out that the ninja she stabbed did not actually die._

_She shuddered._

_She wasn't ready to have blood on her hands yet._

_Had Neji and Tenten not given her medical attention and waited until she regained consciousness before leaving, who knows? Maybe she would have bled out and died right there in the Forest of Death._

_Ruman smiled sourly in the mirror._

_Dying in the Forest of Death. How fitting._

_Shaking the bad memories away, Ruman decided to just go for her nighttime walk in her loose, white pajama shirt and shorts, seeing as the peaceful spring evening would surely keep her warm. She took off her slippers and put on her shoes, heading downstairs._

_After leaving her single, modest house, Ruman walked quietly and slowly to the beat of her heart. Each step she took was one beat, and she shifted her weight between her feet as smoothly as she could. She liked to think of it as practicing controlling her movement, and gave her body something to focus on. She would go wherever her feet led her._

_While she walked, her mind wandered. She thought about how beautiful the moon and stars were, how they remained unchanged despite the catastrophes that had fallen upon their peaceful village within the span of just a few weeks._

_But she has lived through it all._

_She was alive after the Chūnin exams—despite withdrawing due to her serious injuries—after the attempted invasion of Konoha, and after the third Hokage's shocking death. The weight of all those recent events rested heavily on Ruman's chest, but something still felt wrong._

_Her mind flashed back to earlier in the day, when Sakura had come running and crying to Ruman. Apparently, while Sasuke was recovering at the hospital after his battle with Gaara, he challenged Naruto to an ultimate face-off of power._

_Sasuke and Naruto had charged towards each other on the rooftop of the hospital, bearing the Chidori and Rasengan, respectively, and Sakura had tried to run between them to put an end to the fight. If Kakashi-sensei hadn't stepped in at the last minute, all three of them could have been seriously injured, or even worse, killed._

_Ruman's heart ached at Sasuke's obvious attempts to validate himself._

_Everyone knew that Naruto was always trying to catch up to Sasuke in terms of strength and power, but Sasuke was so blinded by Naruto's quick improvement that he failed to recognize his own progress._

_They had both gotten so strong in such a short period of time, but Sasuke still couldn't see that Naruto was only doing so much so that Sasuke would acknowledge him—Naruto was a diamond in the rough, but to Ruman, Sasuke was already a diamond._

_She just wished he could see what she saw._

_Letting out an stressful exhale, Ruman brushed the negative thoughts away. She told herself to have faith in both Naruto and Sasuke, and convinced herself that everything would be okay in the end. They just both had to grow a little more, and they would step back and realize how foolish they'd been acting._

_Ruman blinked, and realized that she'd been walking for well over thirty minutes. She'd reached the village's main gate, and it was probably time to return home. Twilight was approaching, and she thought it best to try to sleep for at least three hours before starting her day again in the morning._

_But something about how the thousands of stars glimmered, so entrancingly and so beautifully, made it hard for her to tear her eyes away and return home._

_As Ruman stood in the moonlight admiring the vast sky that made her and her problems feel so small, she sensed a familiar chakra emitting from behind her._

_She whipped around. There was no mistaking it._

_"Sasuke?" she murmured._

_There he stood in front of her, his silhouette outlined in silver by the moonlight. Ruman felt mesmerized—she didn't think it was possible for someone to be so beautiful._

_But then she realized there could only be one reason Sasuke was standing with her at the main gate of the village, with a big backpack on his shoulders, in the middle of the night._

_Ruman suddenly felt nauseous as memories of Orochimaru flooded her mind, and all the hate, violence, and darkness that came with them._

_There was no way Sasuke could really be thinking about following him._

_"Ruman," Sasuke responded, not gently, not firmly. Not loudly, not quietly._

_She narrowed her eyes at him._

_"Don't tell me—" she quivered._

_Sasuke just continued to stare into her eyes, his expression unreadable._

_What was he thinking?_

_They stood there face to face, for what felt like an eternity. Ruman could feel his intentions in the air, without even exchanging words with him._

_She saw his pupils dilate in his dark grey eyes, before he closed his eyes and began walking towards her—towards the gate. He kept his head down, as if he didn't want to make eye contact with her._

_"Don't do it," she whispered, her voice shaking. Ruman couldn't even tell if she was shaking from anger, disbelief, sadness, or disappointment._

_"I have to," Sasuke responded calmly without hesitation, continuing to close the distance between them. He stopped when there was only about a foot between them._

_Ruman turned her back to him, not wanting him to see her facial expression crumble. She clenched her fists together, contemplating her options._

_Should she try talking him out of it?_

_It didn't seem like he was going to listen._

_Should she call for help?_

_She wouldn't have enough time, and there's no way Sasuke would let her._

_Should she fight him?_

_She knew she wouldn't stand a chance._

_But even if there was no possibility of Ruman winning against Sasuke in a fight, she had to at least try something. Just as she was about to turn around to aim a punch at Sasuke's head, Ruman felt his strong arms wrap around her waist, pulling her into an embrace._

_Ruman froze._

_Her eyes widened as her arms slowly fell to her sides._

_Was he... hugging her?_

_Normally Ruman's heart would have imploded in joy, but in that moment, it felt like it was being shattered into a million tiny pieces, even smaller than the stars in the night sky._

_"Sasuke, don't go—" she breathed as her eyes turned glassy. "This isn't right, and you'll never find peace this way, even if you do find power."_

_She prayed with all her might for her earnesty to reach him._

_Sasuke said nothing, but Ruman immediately knew that her words didn't reach him._

_Their bodies were so close, with Sasuke's warm chest pressed against her back, but she felt so distant from him._

_Drip._

_Drop._

_As her heart caved in, the tears that brimmed her brown eyes finally fell and landed one by one on Sasuke's hands that were still wrapped around her._

_Ruman hated crying. She'd cried enough as a child, and with no one by her side to support her, she thought she had cried herself dry. There was no more sadness in her to create more tears._

_But that night was different._

_For once, she thought she'd finally found someone who understood her loneliness. Her solitude. She found someone she was willing to give her heart to, even if she knew he would probably never reciprocate._

_And he was leaving her._

_He was leaving her after promising to have her back as a comrade and as a friend._

_"You're breaking my heart," she faltered—hot, shiny tears streaming down her cheeks, refusing to stop._

_"I'm sorry," he said gently but firmly, loosening his grip on her._

_Ruman's eyebrows crinkled together as she closed her eyes when he let go, before feeling the blunt force of Sasuke's hand strike the nape of her neck, just below her ear._

_And then, nothing._

* * *

Ruman's eye twitched at the memory triggered by the sight of Sasuke in front of her. If she hadn't found out later on after that night that Sakura even waited for Sasuke to also try to stop him from leaving that night, though unsuccessful, Ruman might have blamed herself forever.

Ruman took a deep breath and stepped forward.

"Sasuke, come home," she said directly, as genuinely but firmly as she could. She was aware of how pathetic she probably sounded, but she truly knew of no other way to convey how much she wanted Sasuke to just come back to them.

It was pitiful, how desperate she was for him to return, when he's been the source of her pain for three years.

Sasuke scoffed disdainfully.

"You're wasting your time, Ruman," he jeered.

"It's not too late," she said, almost pleadingly. "Don't go down the wrong path, Sasuke. We heard about Orochimaru, and Itachi too."

Sasuke's eyes went stone-cold at Itachi's name.

"Did it feel good?" Ruman asked. "When you got your revenge?"

Sasuke grew tense.

"It wasn't what you expected, right?" she continued. "Revenge isn't going to do anything, so stop trying to find someone to put your blame and hatred on—"

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW?" Sasuke roared, propelling himself towards her.

Sai darted in front of Ruman and blocked his attack, making Sasuke retreat. He was ready to fight.

"Sai, leave us be," Ruman ordered from behind him.

"But—"

"Just go," Ruman said firmly. "Or take care of the other girl first, and join me after."

Ruman could practically hear Sai's internal conflict, since there was no way he was going to let her get hurt, but when Ruman was serious about something, she wasn't joking around.

"I'll be fine."

Sai reluctantly stepped aside at these words, and turned his attention towards Karin.

_This is it,_ Ruman thought to herself.

She looked Sasuke straight in the eye, and said firmly, "I'm going to take you back."

"If you can even catch me," Sasuke sneered, disappearing into the cave.

Alert and ready to put everything she had on the line for this, Ruman ran after him into the darkness, fists balled up.

She heard Sai and Karin fighting behind her as she ran deeper and deeper into the cave.

_I'm sure Sai will catch up to me in no time_, she thought. _But there's no way I'm going to lose Sasuke again._

Ruman caught up to Sasuke towards the end of the cave, where he stood facing her. It was dim in the cave, but not dark enough to fully engulf the two of them.

Sasuke took off his red and black Akatsuki robe and tossed it carelessly to the side.

Ruman's eyes narrowed at the sight of his clothing from Orochimaru's lair. She hated the open shirt that revealed his muscular, toned body.

Ruman lunged towards him and swung her arm at his head, sweeping her feet beneath him at the same time. He swiftly dodged both attacks, and taunted, "You still start your attacks off the same way."

Having no time for words, Ruman continuously attacked him, hoping to keep him busy and not give him a chance to use any sort of weapon or Ninjutsu. However, keeping up with Sasuke was hard, as always, and that meant Ruman couldn't use Ninjutsu either.

For now, it would have to be a battle of close-range Taijutsu.

The two fought for a few minutes in the dark, speedy and skillful. They have both improved significantly in the last three years.

But significantly wasn't enough for Ruman to be up against Sasuke. His nimble movements were unexpected and strong—a deadly combination.

Without warning, Sasuke swung his leg at Ruman's head in a roundabout kick, like he'd done so many times when they sparred as young Genin.

Ruman immediately bent her head far backwards, dodging the kick. She felt the sharp breeze of Sasuke's kick swish by her chin.

"You're faster now," Sasuke noted.

Before Ruman had time to come back up from her backbend, Sasuke had landed a hit on her chest and locked his hand around her throat, slamming her to the ground against the robe he threw to the side earlier.

"But still not fast enough."

Even though she landed against the soft fabric of the robe, small tears emerged from the edges of Ruman's eyes as massive pain seared through her neck, back, and body from crashing into the ground.

She bit her lip as Sasuke held her down, glowering down at her. Their faces were so close that Sasuke's sharp, black hair was just hanging over her cheeks.

_I'm useless, aren't I... _she thought bitterly. _I'm still no match for him._

"I'm telling you, just give it up already," Sasuke commented coldly. "If you keep this up, you're going to die."

"This..." Ruman snarled through gritted teeth. "Doesn't hurt."

The passion and determination in her eyes burned through Sasuke's, and she thought she saw him waver for a split second.

Sasuke leaned in closer, their faces just centimeters apart.

"I can hurt you right now," he breathed into her ear. "I can hurt you really bad."

Ruman just looked up at him sadly, wincing at the pain in her neck. It was getting harder to breathe.

"I've always been afraid of being hurt by people—you know that," Ruman muttered, staring into his eyes. "But in the end, if it's by you, maybe being hurt wouldn't be so bad."

"Why do you keep doing this?!" Sasuke shouted, his fingers tightening around her windpipe. "Why won't you leave me alone?! Why won't you just give up?!"

"You should know why," Ruman said without hesitation, unflinching. She pointed her fist at Sasuke's chest.

Sasuke's eyes widened.

Ruman took this opportunity and swung her leg forward, aiming for his head. Sasuke immediately jumped out of the way, releasing her in the process. Ruman scrambled to pick herself back up and staggered back towards the cave entrance.

As she tried to catch her breath, Sasuke just stared at her solemnly. He felt tense.

* * *

Sasuke didn't know why he felt shaken up. He had long since abandoned all hopes of friendship and happiness—this was the decision he made for himself three years ago, the bargain he made for power and revenge.

Seeing Ruman for the first time in so long took him by surprise; she'd grown taller, her hair was longer, and her body was more toned.

This girl, who, for some reason, was always able to instill some sort of uncertainty in his heart, was standing before him, and he could only remember the night he left her.

She never once wanted to claim him for herself like others he'd encountered, and never once tried to be close to him just to use him for her own benefits. She had come to him with only the purest intentions, always wanting the best for him, and in return, he'd broken his promise as a comrade to her, and broken her heart in the process.

He considered those sacrifices as ones that had to be made in order to be strong. But if those opportunities of joy were sacrifices he had willingly made, why did he feel the uneasiness tugging at his heart at the sight of Ruman?

While training under Orochimaru, Sasuke had never taken a single person's life—there was only one man he wanted to kill, and that was Itachi. But after Madara revealed the truth behind the Uchiha clan's extermination, Sasuke had no more sympathy for the innocent bystanders. He would have revenge against the village of Konoha, and anyone who stood in his way would die as well.

"Ruman-chan!" Sasuke heard an unfamiliar voice call out in concern. He turned around to see the thin boy in a black midriff running towards them, and recalled his name as "Sai."

"I'm fine," Ruman coughed to him as he helped her regain her composure.

Sai noticed the bruises on Ruman's arms and red marks on her neck. His eyes narrowed at Sasuke, and for some reason, Sasuke felt agitated at the sight of him being so close to her.

Sai sprang towards Sasuke, aiming for his stomach. Sasuke immediately evaded his attack, and returned with double the force. He may be tired after his fight with Itachi, but he could already tell that fighting this boy would be no hard task.

He has killed Orochimaru, Deidara, and Itachi. Sai would be no different.

Sasuke and Sai exchanged attacks at close-range. Sasuke did have to hand it to him though, for Sai's movements were all swift, clean, and precise. They didn't lack in strength, and were all aimed extremely accurately at the right places—Sasuke was just faster, stronger, and smarter. With one sudden kick, Sasuke sent Sai flying to the other side of the cave, where his body was slammed against the rocky walls. Little pebbles rolled off the walls due to the force. Surely that was enough to break a few bones in Sai's body.

Sai tried to prop himself back up with his arms, but he began to cough up blood, and fell limply to the ground.

"Sai!" Ruman shrieked from the opposite side of the cave, fearful that he would obtain life-threatening injuries. "Sasuke, enough!"

Sasuke closed his eyes.

He knew Ruman. It's been years, but he still knew her.

At one point when they were younger, he thought that he understood her, and she understood him. They both grew up, empty on the inside, prior to meeting Naruto, and were incredibly mature for their age. He knew that although it was difficult for her to face her fears sometimes, if she really wanted something, she would not give up easily in order to have it.

She would keep bugging him relentlessly until he gave in.

But not today.

Today was the day Sasuke would show everyone how serious he was about his revenge. Today was the day he would cut all ties with Konoha permanently. After today, there would be no going back.

He's decided.

Sasuke slowly drew the Sword of Kusanagi from its sheath, his blade glimmering in the little bits of sunlight that entered the cave. The straight edge and curved tip channeling Sasuke's chakra would pierce through Sai's body, numbing and killing him.

Ruman's eyes widened.

"Sasuke, w-what are you doing?" she stammered weakly. "Why?"

Sasuke tightened his grip on the sword's shaft, looking directly at Sai, who was still lying motionless on the ground.

_Ruman, I'm sorry._

* * *

Karin had taken a quick defeat against Sai, but since she wasn't his target of interest, he had just tied her up and left her outside the cave while he went after Sasuke and Ruman.

It was a good thing Sasuke told Karin to always keep some sort of knife with her to cut through rope, because it actually came in handy this time. After freeing herself, she ran after Sai and into the dim cave.

Right as she arrived, she saw Sai's body being flung against the wall by Sasuke and covered her mouth in shock.

_Ouch._

Her eyes darted to Ruman, who was keeled over and had her hand on her neck. She was bruised all over with dirt on her face, so it seemed like she and Sasuke had quite the fight.

Just the mere sight of Ruman was enough to annoy her. Karin didn't know what the history between her and Sasuke was, but it seemed like they'd known each other for some time, and Sasuke's cold chakra felt a little bit warmer whenever he talked to her.

It didn't show in his stony face, but nothing could get past Karin's sharp chakra senses.

Whoever she was, she probably had meant a lot to Sasuke at some point, and that bugged Karin. Karin was the one who had stayed by Sasuke's side all this time when they were living under Orochimaru, and she was the one who sacrificed her own energy and chakra every time Sasuke was hurt. The bite marks on her arm were for him, made by him, and she wanted him all to herself.

Ruman had no right to just suddenly come in and try to take Sasuke away.

But by the looks of it, Ruman and Sai's chances of winning were slim, and Karin was determined to do whatever she needed to do to help Sasuke. As she watched Sasuke draw his sword from its sheath, she immediately knew what was about to happen.

Sai would die.

There was no doubt about it. If Sasuke wanted someone dead, they'd be dead. Karin braced herself for what would ensue, as Ruman's bloodcurdling scream rang through the cave's walls. It felt like everything was happening in slow motion.

As Sasuke charged towards Sai, sword first, Karin noticed Ruman running towards him.

_Oh no, you don't._

Karin ran towards Ruman to block her from reaching Sasuke. She would make sure Ruman watched Sai die right before her eyes, and that no one disrupted Sasuke in finishing his task. Surely Sasuke wouldn't want to deal with Ruman attacking him while he was piercing through a vital organ in Sai's body; determining the positions of someone's vital organs takes precision and practice, and Karin wanted to Sasuke all the space he needed.

She smirked as she charged towards Ruman.

If Ruman was aiming for Sasuke, Karin would beat her to it—there's no way Ruman could stop Sasuke in time to save Sai.

As Karin ran, she noticed Ruman wasn't running as fast as she should be to tackle Sasuke.

Karin's eyes widened in realization. She understood the situation.

Ruman wasn't aiming for Sasuke—she was aiming for Sai.

"Wait!" Karin cried, right before hearing the sound of Sasuke's sword piercing through flesh, as blood spattered against the cold, cave walls.

* * *

_Drip_.

_Drop_.

Sasuke's eyes widened in horror.

He was face-to-face with Ruman, but his sword didn't go through Sai's body—it went straight through hers.

There was a ringing in his ears as Sasuke's hands trembled slightly.

Was this real?

Ruman stood before Sasuke, arms open, completely blocking his way to Sai. Her head hung limply, her long, black hair draped over Sasuke's hands.

_Drip_.

_Drop_.

Blood began to drip slowly onto his hands from Ruman's mouth.

"Feels familiar, doesn't it?" Ruman murmured softly, smirking bitterly at him.

Sasuke's mind flashed back to the night he left the village, when her tears had fallen one by one onto his hands. The very hands that had once embraced her were now wielding the weapon that would take her life; he really had blood on his hands now—her blood.

He couldn't tell if there was sadness or anger in her eyes.

His right hand was still holding the sword, and as Ruman toppled forward, he caught her with his other arm. His thoughts jumbled up and frantic, Sasuke debated in a frenzy what he should do.

The human body had five vital organs essential for survival: the brain, heart, kidneys, liver, and lungs. Sasuke knew, without a doubt, that his sword reached Ruman's liver the second it impaled her.

If he remained motionless, he would run out of time before someone caught up to them. Sasuke would then be outnumbered, and there would be trouble. Even Karin wouldn't have enough time to heal Ruman, and he wasn't sure if Karin had enough energy to even if she wanted to. But if he removed the sword, she would surely bleed out in a matter of minutes, maybe even seconds. Regardless, there was no doubt that she was in an explicable amount of pain.

"Why..." Sasuke muttered, angry, and confused. "Why do you do this?"

His heart pounded painfully loudly in his ears—it felt as if it would rip out of his chest. Sasuke's eyes widened as they met Ruman's.

She kneeled against him but stared at him hard, unwavering.

"You should know why."

Ruman's chin slowly began to turn red as more blood trickled out of her mouth. Sasuke just held her and kept her from collapsing, his sword still lodged in her gut.

Sai could only watch in shock, in utter disbelief that he was watching Ruman die before his eyes, but also that she did it to protect him.

"Come home," Ruman whispered, the light in her eyes dimming.

She was still looking at him with fixed, unshakable eyes.

Why won't she back down? She was literally dying and still asking him to return. Why won't she just give up? Why was she going so far for him? Why wasn't she hating him?

Sasuke clenched his teeth together and tightened his grip on her.

He was supposed to be killing them, but now he was stuck here, unsure of what to do.

_Uchiha Sasuke, you're truly the worst_, a voice inside him said. _You've killed one of the only people who really cared about you with your bare hands—there's really no turning back now._

"Sasuke, we have to go!" Karin cried urgently, though also in shock over the situation. "The Konoha ninja are on their way here, and Madara is probably going to come for us soon."

Sasuke closed his eyes and tore them away from Ruman, her blood staining his hands and white clothing red from her wound. He had no choice.

He drew the sword from her body abruptly as she finally fell over onto the ground, and fled.

_Don't look back, you coward_, the voice in his spoke again. _Now that you've cut off ties with Konoha, you can't think about going back anymore. You've betrayed her._

* * *

Ruman felt enormous, sharp pains flash through her entire being—every nerve in her body was screaming. She could feel her clothing grow more and more moist with her blood. She laid there on the cold, hard ground, and the sight of her blood leaking out of her body started to blur.

"Ruman-chan!" Sai cried desperately. "Stay with me!"

He was injured so it was difficult for him to move, she knew that.

"Sai..."

Ruman choked on the blood heaving upwards in her throat.

_Is this it? _she wondered. _Is this my end?_

She smiled bitterly to herself.

_I guess I won't be able to see Sasuke again then._

Although she was in agonizing pain, Ruman knew very well that she wouldn't have changed a single thing she did.

If thawing a little bit of Sasuke's icy heart and opening his eyes meant letting him pierce through her liver with a sword, she'd willingly do it again. And again. And again. And as many times as it took to make him see the truth.

_Naruto, I think I finally reached him..._

Ruman began to feel her body go numb. She didn't have much time left.

_Man, my life really sucks, _she thought, grinning softly. _I was too chicken to ever tell the boy I liked that I had feelings for him, and when I started to think he felt the same, he left me behind even when I tried to stop him. And now I'm going to bleed out to death because of him? Geez..._

Tears began to flow from the corners of her eyes as she lay, still. She wouldn't be able to say her goodbyes.

_I'm sorry, Naruto... Kakashi-sensei, Sakura, Sai... everyone, I'm so sorry._

"Ruman-chan!" Naruto's chilling cry was the last thing she heard before closing her eyes. Her vision blurred as she saw what seemed like Naruto in his orange tracksuit and Kakashi-sensei with his tall, gray hair run towards her frantically from the mouth of the cave.

_Naruto, is that you?_

_Thank you for everything. Thank you for being by my side all this time and being so warm. Thank you for being my light, my ray of sunshine this whole time._

_I'm sorry for making you promise to catch up to me when I'm the one who's leaving first._

_Maybe in our next lifetime, we can all be friends again._

_I'm sure it'll happen if we're meant to be._

_I'm sorry things turned out this way._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry._


	2. Set in Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Ruman faltering in the face of death, Sasuke realizes what he's done, and Naruto makes her a promise.
> 
> Chapter song: "Find Your Way" by The Afters
> 
> "There is nothing you could do to turn my back on you."
> 
> "You're never too lost to know where the road is—it could be dark, you could be hopeless, but I'll wait until you find your way."
> 
> "With my heart still hoping and my arms wide open, I'll never give up this fight. I know we'll talk like we used to, and we'll walk like we used to... it's just a matter of time."

The wind whipped past Sasuke's ears as he and Karin fled the scene at the speed of light. He was exhausted. So much had happened within the same time frame of each other.

Orochimaru. Itachi. Ruman.

How he managed to kill two people who cared immensely about him so quickly, he didn't know.

Sasuke's teeth clenched together as he closed his eyes, trying to shake the memories of her away.

The way she was so much taller than the last time he'd seen her. The way the light in her eyes still remained the same way after all these years. The way she wanted him to return to Konoha so earnestly.

The way she stood before him, unwavering, as her blood quickly soaked his shirt and stained his hands red.

_What have I done?_

"Sasuke! What's wrong?!" Karin gasped frantically, breaking his train of thought. Sasuke turned his head to Karin, not sure what she was talking about, but, frankly, he didn't really care.

It was then he realized his face felt so cold because of the wind blowing against the wet trail going down each cheek.

_Are these... tears?_

Sasuke simply returned his gaze back to their escape route and said coldly, "I'm fine."

Perhaps he was a little disturbed that he just killed one of the only people left on Earth that truly cared about him, that he maybe cared about in return, with his bare hands. Perhaps killing her was unnecessary, but there's no doubt that she brought this all upon herself.

Sasuke didn't ask Ruman to chase after him. He didn't ask her to protect Sai. He didn't ask her to be so naive.

But none of that mattered anymore—Ruman would die. Hell, maybe she had died already since the time Sasuke and Karin fled the scene. Perhaps her death would be a mistake, but it was a mistake set in stone. There was nothing he could do about it—there was nothing _anyone_ could do about it.

The wind roared in his ears as Sasuke picked up his pace.

He could only focus on his revenge now. Ruman was dead, and he would destroy the rest of Konoha to go with her.

There was no turning back.

He had no choice now.

_Goodbye, Ruman._

* * *

"Ruman-chan, get a hold of yourself!" Naruto screamed into Ruman's face, voice cloaked with desperation.

_Naruto... is that you?_

"She's going into shock," what seemed to be Kakashi's voice said.

"Hurry, Naruto," she heard Kakashi's say urgently. "Bring her back to the village, Tsunade-sama may be able to help her if we get her back in time. I'll carry Sai."

As Ruman felt her body lift off the cold cave ground with Naruto's arms beneath her, she heard Kakashi's voice again.

"Carry her on your back," he instructed. "If you carry her with your arms, she'll choke on her own blood and die before we even get to the village."

Naruto obeyed without a moment's hesitation, and Ruman felt herself placed onto Naruto's back. It took all the strength she had left in her body to wrap her arms around Naruto's neck, but she suddenly felt so tired.

"I just want to sleep..." Ruman murmured lazily into Naruto's neck, blood dribbling from her mouth onto the black collar of his orange tracksuit.

He was so warm.

"Hang in there," Kakashi's voice rang in her ear. "Everything's going to be okay, but you can't give up yet. Think of all the people you have to stay alive for."

The dying fire in Ruman's heart rekindled at these words, as her eyelids fluttered open and she tried her best to stay awake.

But she still couldn't fight the overwhelming pain searing throughout her whole being, originating from her stomach area.

_Being stabbed hurts like a bitch_, she thought to herself. Her whole body was starting to go numb and cold, as she felt like she'd just been punched a hundred times in the gut.

Ruman's body lurched up and down with the momentum of Naruto's body running and jumping as fast as he could through the forest to get back to the village. It was quiet for a few minutes, but no one could ignore the anxiety and tension in the air as Kakashi and Naruto gave it their all to save Ruman and Sai.

"I don't think I'm going to make it," Ruman sighed quietly into Naruto's ear with a soft smile. Her brown eyes were brimmed with small tears, and the dried blood on her lips made it a little hard for her to speak.

"Don't talk," Naruto growled. "Use your energy on staying alive. I won't let you die."

_Sasuke..._

Naruto tightened his grip on Ruman's legs as he picked up his pace, sweat beads forming on his forehead. His jaw was clenched so tightly Ruman could feel his veins popping out.

"I won't let you die," he vowed again.

Ruman was so tired she couldn't even tell if there was anger, sadness, or desperation in his voice. Tears threatened to fall out of the corners of Naruto's firey eyes as Ruman just gently tucked her head into the crook of his neck.

Even Sai was still in shock—he wasn't sure what to do. People die on missions all the time, and as shinobi, they should all have been prepared to lose comrades in battle.

But Sai couldn't comprehend why Ruman would die protecting him. It didn't make sense to him. But for some odd reason, it felt like someone was squeezing his heart so tightly he couldn't breathe, thinking about it.

"Hang in there, Ruman-chan!" Sai cried in vain, seeing Ruman's head droop.

Ruman's head perked up slightly as she struggled to keep her eyes open. She was dancing with Death at this point, but she wouldn't let him take her.

Ruman murmured something to Naruto to the best of her ability through the dried blood, almost clogging up her throat.

"Huh?" Naruto asked, not being able to comprehend her slurred words.

"I said I love you," Ruman exhaled.

The teardrops that had initially threatened to fall took no mercy at these words. A little wheezing sound emitted from Naruto's throat as his eyebrows crinkled together, hot tears streaming down his face.

Ruman turned her head slightly to look at her sensei, with Sai on his back, also huffing from a surely-tiring fight with the masked man from earlier.

"I love you all," she murmured to them, doing her best to mouth the words in case they couldn't hear her.

Kakashi just nodded in acknowledgement, putting a finger to his lips, telling Ruman save her energy.

_Thank you all for doing so much for me_, she thought.

_You guys are my only family._

_Thank you for being a part of my life._

_Thank you so much._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh hello everyone! Yes, I'm back! I couldn't stop thinking about Unwavering after writing it, and although the last chapter was a bit sad, I couldn't just leave it at a one-shot. So I've decided to make it a full story instead! I hope you all will continue to support me and read my updates (as well as leave me comments, nothing makes me happier than reading comments ^^), so please do enjoy! Sorry this chapter was super short, I just wanted to reinforce the emotions everyone was feeling, and refresh your memories before I come back to the actual plot, haha. Let me know what you think! I hope you're all ready for what I have in store ;)


	3. Save Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite her conditions, Ruman decides she wants to live. Tsunade vows to do what she can for her.
> 
> Chapter song: "Last Theater" by Noisycell
> 
> "I'm not gonna make it, is it almost over now?"
> 
> "I just want to make it, my blood is on the ground."

"Old lady!" Naruto screamed, kicking the door to the Hokage's office open.

"Naruto?" Tsunade, Shizune, and Sakura all turned their heads in surprise to the entrance, then immediately took in the situation with terror.

Naruto was carrying Ruman on his back, but his orange jacket was now a darkening red, as blood continued to leak out of the now-soaked cloths that Kakashi had used in an attempt to slow Ruman's bleeding.

"Tsunade-sama!" Kakashi's voice rang with urgency and desperation, after catching up to Naruto, with Sai's arm still slung over his shoulder.

Tsunade understood immediately.

"Sakura, check the wound. Shizune, go prepare the medical supplies. I'll get ready to treat her," Tsunade said without hesitation. "Naruto, lay her on the table and leave—your job here is done."

"What?" Naruto asked in utter disbelief. "But Ruman—"

"Go take care of Sai," Tsunade cut him off. "I know you're worried, but you can't help anymore from hereon out, and you'll only get more anxious. We need absolute focus and concentration."

Naruto couldn't believe Tsunade was telling him to get out. He had lost Sasuke, lost Jiraiya, and couldn't do a damn thing about it. He wasn't about to lose Ruman too.

But he knew there was nothing he could do for her at this point.

Naruto reluctantly tore his tired, red eyes away from Ruman, and took Sai from Kakashi.

"Don't let her die, or I won't forgive you, old lady Tsunade," Naruto growled through clenched teeth as he and Sai made their exits.

"How's Sai?" Tsunade asked Kakashi after the door closed, while putting her medical gloves on.

"A couple broken ribs, probably, but nothing life-threatening," Kakashi informed her, eyes never leaving Ruman, who lay still on the table, struggling to breathe.

"Master," Sakura suddenly said, voice shaking.

"How does she look?" Tsunade inquired sternly.

Sakura paled.

"I don't think she'll make it..."

Tsunade's eyes widened, and Shizune almost stopped in her tracks upon hearing Sakura's words with the medical equipment.

"What do you mean?" Tsunade raised her voice. "Let me take a look."

Sakura quickly shuffled away from Ruman's body, eyes hollowed in horror.

"She's been stabbed through the liver—one of the five vital organs—and on top of that, she's lost a massive amount of blood," Sakura said quietly, trembling. "There's so much blood you can barely tell apart her flesh, tissue, and organs."

Even Kakashi, who was always the stoic one, couldn't help but stand in anguish, small sweat beads forming on his forehead.

Ruman suddenly gasped, heaving for air.

It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

"I'm here, I'm here," Kakashi immediately comforted, holding his student's hand.

"We're right by your side," Sakura affirmed, eyes starting to fill with tears from the other side of the table.

Ruman's grip tightened on both their hands.

Everything was hurting so much. Everyone was hurting so much.

"Wait," Tsunade suddenly said.

A sickening, mushy sound came from Ruman's stomach area as Tsunade maneuvered her hands around the bloody wound; it was enough to make Shizune wince, and even Sakura couldn't help but look away.

Ruman blinked away the tears in the corners of her eyes, as every nerve in her body screamed in agony. A lot of her body felt numb, but she could still feel cold sweat forming from the pain everywhere.

"Fucking bastard," Tsunade muttered.

"What is it?" Shizune and Kakashi instantaneously asked in unison.

Tsunade took her gloves off with a grim expression.

"I have good news and bad news."

"Let's hear it," Kakashi prompted, standing up to meet her gaze and letting go of Ruman's hand temporarily.

"The good news is that she wasn't actually stabbed in the liver—the sword went through her pancreas, which is incredibly close to the liver, and there's so much blood and tissue that they're easily and commonly mistaken," Tsunade began. "I can't help but feel a sense of relief that Sasuke's blade is so sharp and precise, that it managed to impale the pancreas, rather than the liver, which is much larger."

"The bad news is that things aren't looking good either way," she continued, looking away from Kakashi. "Like Sakura said, she's lost an impeccable amount of blood, and the pancreas, although not a vital organ, is still something you don't want to be pierced with a sword through—a sword channeling chakra, at that."

But Kakashi only had one question.

"So will she live?"

"If we operate on her now, I'd say she has 5 percent, maybe 10 percent best chance of survival," Tsunade confessed.

"That's 10 percent more than zero," Kakashi stated without pause.

"But it'll be extremely excruciating for her," Tsunade immediately warned. "And the ninety percent chance of not making it is harrowing to think about—do you want to put your student through all that? What if it all amounts to nothing and she doesn't make it? Are you going to let her die in suffering? Can you be responsible for that?"

Kakashi bit his tongue at this question, brows furrowed together.

Sakura just gaped at her two teachers in disbelief.

How was Kakashi-sensei supposed to choose between either taking a risk that'll put his student in agony without even knowing if it'll be any good, or simply watching her die before his eyes?

"Tsunade-sama," Ruman croaked from the examination table she lay on, interrupting Sakura's thoughts.

"Yes, what is it?" Tsunade responded gently, bending down to be closer to her.

Ruman murmured something barely audible as the dried blood around her lips and in her mouth made it harder to talk.

"What was that?" Tsunade asked, leaning in closer. Sakura, Kakashi, and Shizune merely watched in silence.

"Save me," Ruman exhaled in one long breath, tightening her fingers on Tsunade's sleeve, leaving grisly, burgundy fingerprints on her fabric.

Tsunade recoiled and looked into Ruman's dark brown eyes.

_Save me_, they cried out to her—but not in a fearing-death type of way.

Though clouded with fatigue and brimmed with tears, Ruman's eyes burned with a fiery passion that screamed for survival. For time. For life.

Tsunade felt her chest grow tight as the silent pleads of Ruman's eyes tugged at her heart.

"Please," Ruman murmured.

She couldn't die. Not yet. She had so many things she had to do, words she wanted to say, promises she had to keep.

People she wanted to love.

"Shizune, prepare for operation," Tsunade closed her eyes and stood up. "Sakura, stay on standby and watch. I know it'll be difficult watching your friend go through this, but it will be a learning experience, no matter how the procedure ends."

Sakura jumped up and wiped her eyes with her free hand, ready to get down to business.

"Kakashi, you should probably wait outside, or come back later. This procedure will take a while," Tsunade informed him.

Kakashi heeded her warning in understanding and nodded, "I'll be off then. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

Tsunade nodded in response.

"Tsunade-sama," Kakashi began before turning around. "Please—I'm leaving her in your hands."

"I'll do everything within my ability," Tsunade promised earnestly, rolling her sleeves up.

_Ten percent_, a voice taunted in Tsunade's head as she shook it away.

As Kakashi exited the room, Shizune drew the curtain in the corner of the room separated off specifically for examinations and operations.

"Are you ready?" Tsunade asked, making sure Ruman was okay.

Ruman closed her eyes and nodded, trying to keep her breath steady.

"Procedure, starting," Tsunade said to Shizune.

Ruman felt her cold body start to warm up around her abdominal area where she'd been wounded, as a wave of comfort and bliss washed over her. She could see a soft, green glow emitting from Tsunade's hands as they hovered over her stomach.

_So warm..._

The feeling didn't last, as a sudden arduous, sharp ache shot through her whole being, hurting like Ruman had never hurt before.

Every part of her sensory and nervous system screeched and howled with torture.

Shizune scrambled to hold Ruman down as her chest heaved upwards, body almost lurching forward from the torment.

Ruman gasped for air as beads of sweat formed on her forehead, face turning red and veins prominent.

She did her best to take deep breaths and squeezed her eyes shut, fists clenched together.

_Tsunade-sama, please—I'm counting on you._

_Save me._

"Keep holding on," Tsunade ordered. "I know it hurts. I'll do everything I can." It pained her to see Ruman hanging on for her dear life, like everything depended on it.

_Hang in there, Ruman._

_Live._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO MY LOVELY READERS! I originally wasn't going to update now, but seeing new reviews warmed my heart so much I just had to write a little bit :') So please do leave me more reviews! I love reading them and they really get me going and motivated to write more. ALSO WHILE I WAS DOING RESEARCH TO WRITE THIS CHAPTER I SPOILED EVEN MORE OF SHIPPUDEN FOR MYSELF WHY AM I LIKE THIS I'M SCREAMINGGG OMASCKLJNASF. Anyway please share this fic with your friends and I would love if you could continue to support me! Nothing makes me happier than reading your comments ^^ Until next time~


	4. Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruman wakes up in total darkness, wondering if she's died. Will she make it?
> 
> Chapter song: "Stand Up" by The CAB
> 
> "All of my demons are kicking and screaming but I'll never leave them behind."
> 
> "This world can cut you open, but all the scars they prove that I fought my way through."
> 
> "Kid, you gotta stand up."

_Where am I?_

All the pain Ruman had felt before was nowhere to be found—no bodily aches, no tight chests, and no broken hearts.

Nothing.

_Why is it so dark?_

Ruman looked around the blackness surrounding her, completely disoriented.

A blurry, glowing image slowly appeared in her mind as she closed her eyes, trying to figure out what was happening.

_Is that...?_

As Ruman tried to focus more on what she was seeing, she began to make out a little girl in her mind, maybe around seven years old, softly crying behind a towering oak tree. The clothes she wore were soiled, spotted with holes. Her unruly black hair, disheveled by dirt and leaves, rested on her shoulders as she cupped her mouth tightly, not daring to make a single sound despite the hot tears streaming down her face.

Ruman's heart ached a little bit, but her lips also slightly curved upwards into a bittersweet smile.

_It's me. Wow, I look so small._

She remembered that day.

_"How many times to I have to tell you to stop playing with those kids?!" yelled the parent, pulling her daughter's arm and leading her away from the park. "Don't hang around those pitiful kids with no home—they'll be a bad influence on you, especially that Naruto boy. He doesn't do anything except cause trouble for everyone around him."_

Ruman felt a twinge of anger she thought she'd forgotten.

When she was younger, she just wanted someone to play with, but, for some reason, every time she thought she'd made a new friend, they'd be taken away from her.

_Man, now that I think about it, those parents were really harsh, weren't they?_ she pondered. _Yeah, I don't have a family, but doesn't that mean you should let your kids reach out to me and be my friend? Sheesh. Some kind of parenting._

Ruman didn't even really talk to Naruto more until they enrolled in the Ninja Academy together.

Sick and tired of being alone, Ruman had decided to become a ninja—admittedly, she just wanted to make friends for once.

But the more she thought about it and saw what types of duties shinobi had, she knew this would be the path she wanted to choose.

Though it took some time for her to grow and mature, Ruman thought it through eventually and embraced humility, gratitude, and love.

After growing up, she was always told she was "mature for her age," but she knew that it wasn't the years that had matured her, but her pain, anger, and loneliness.

_You get a lot of time to think to yourself and reflect when all the kids isolate you,_ she thought passively.

As time went on, Ruman grew to appreciate what she did have, rather than what she didn't.

She had a roof over her head, though modest in size, that always kept her safe and warm. The third Hokage was kind enough to provide her a home, and kept rent reasonably cheap for her once she was old enough to start working.

She had friends that cared about her, and a team of her own—what she always wanted. They had their ups and downs, and it took them time to get along, but now she knew she could always rely on them.

She had a beautiful village she could call home, with its streets full of people, full of noise, full of _life_. This was where she grew up. This was Konoha.

And she would protect it with her life.

Ruman remembered all of these things that had initially driven her to enroll in the Ninja Academy in the first place, since she felt more than qualified for the admission requirements: 1) Love the village and hope to help preserve peace and prosperity; 2) Have a mind that will not yield, able to endure hard training and work; 3) Be healthy in mind and body.

In the past three years since she graduated, she never regretted her decision once. Upon becoming a shinobi, and Chunin last year, the villagers have looked at her through new eyes. She was now a young woman, capable of protecting herself and her home, always willing to sacrifice what she had in order to preserve the peace and life of the place that raised her.

Ruman practiced kindness, humbleness, and virtue. And people saw that.

The dark, wistful image slowly faded from Ruman's mind as she opened her eyes back to the darkness, heart feeling lighter than before after remembering things she was thankful for, and people that helped mold her into the person she was today.

Kakashi-sensei, who taught her everything she knew.

The late third Hokage, whose kind heart literally gave her the life she had.

Sakura, whose warmth always gave her a shoulder to lean on.

Neji, whose patience always provided her a friend to talk to.

Shikamaru, whose intelligence and casual demeanor never failed to lift weights off her shoulders, and burdens off her heart.

Naruto, whose ambition inspired her to keep going, when she thought she couldn't take any more.

_The list goes on and on..._

Ruman's thought process paused.

_Naruto?_

Coming back down to Earth, Ruman shook her head and tried to open her eyes—the darkness was making it hard for her to distinguish whether they were open or not.

_Where is Naruto? Where am I?_

Suddenly remembering her fatal stomach wound, Ruman looked down.

Nothing.

_Am I dead...?_

Feeling a heavy dread and dismay, Ruman frantically looked around, waving her arms, trying to touch something. Anything.

_I can't die yet._

_But I thought you always wondered what death would be like_, a voice drifted into her ears.

Ruman froze.

"I used to," she said out loud. "When I felt like I had nothing to live for. Things are different now."

_How different are they really, though?_ the voice taunted. _You know, deep in your heart, you've been afraid of not catching up to everyone else. You've been afraid of being useless. The sadness is still there._

Ruman stiffened.

"Then I'll just keep working harder until I'm good enough, and more than enough," Ruman retorted irritably.

The darkness started to fade away as she heard faint voices in the distant, that seemed to be calling her name.

_You can end the pain now_, the voice continued relentlessly. _You can start over._

"Maybe next time," Ruman articulated. "I'm a ninja. I've got shit to do."

Being able to protect Konoha, fighting alongside her friends and teammates, and preserving peace and justice where it belonged was her entire life's meaning. It was what she lived for—her duty, her pride, her joy. And she wouldn't give it up for anything.

Her clouded, pitch-black surroundings began to dissolve into a bright white color, sending tingles all over her body and down her spine.

_So be it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooOOOHHHH SHIIIITTT what's goin' on people???? I can't believe I'm back with another chapter so quick already LOL I guess I just couldn't help myself when I read the comments :'D (hint: the key for more chapters is just comments!! hehehehe) Sorry this chapter's a bit short, it was a bit of a last minute improv chapter, since some people wanted to see a bit of Ruman's past before diving back into the plot. So here it is! A quick little glance ;) Let me know what you think, loves!


	5. Life and Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Warning: Chapter contains implied sensitive material! Read with discretion.]
> 
> Ruman's life is no longer in danger, but it's not all good news. Tsunade reveals something to Kakashi about his student that he never knew.
> 
> Chapter song: "One More Light (Cover by Amber Liu & Gen Neo)" by Linkin Park
> 
> "Who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars?"
> 
> "Who cares if someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are?"
> 
> "Well, I do."

"Ruman, Ruman!" Sakura's desperate cry rang through the hospital room.

_Sakura..?_

Ruman came back to her senses, using every bit of energy left in her body to crack open her heavy, lidded eyes. As tired as she felt, Ruman managed to slowly open both eyes, only to see a puffy-faced Sakura fighting back tears, staring back at her.

"Sakura?" Ruman breathed airily, feeling too fatigued to even talk.

"SHE'S AWAKE!" Sakura frantically yelled through the empty room, hoping to reach someone, anyone, who could hear her.

Murmurs and whispers of the nurses and other medical ninja outside the hospital room mixed together as they hurriedly shuffled their feet to go inform the Hokage.

"She's awake?"

"I thought she would die."

"Dear god!"

"Go get Tsunade-sama."

Vision still blurred, Ruman tried her best to make out her surroundings. It's been awhile since she was in this hospital room.

The Konoha sun shined its rays through the cracks of the modest white window blinds, and a faint chirping of birds accompanied the soft chimes that rang in the spring air outside.

_I must be on the second floor again,_ Ruman thought to herself.

Ruman winced ever so slightly at how tight of a grip Sakura had on her hand.

"Sakura, that hurts," Ruman told her gently.

"Sorry," Sakura quickly let go of Ruman's hand and wiped away the small tear that managed to escape from her right eye.

Ruman just smiled faintly at her.

Looking to the bedside table of her room, Ruman noticed a small vase of flowers. Her heart warmed.

Red roses. Her favorite.

There were a few fresh ones and a few that must have been a day or two old, as the petal edges were turning an ever-so-slightly darker color.

_I wonder who brought them. Probably Neji. Or Ino._

A small smile played at Ruman's lips just thinking of her friends. It felt so long since she's seen them.

_Neji's the thoughtful one who pays attention to the little things, but Ino _is_ the flower expert..._

"How long have I been here?" Ruman asked Sakura curiously, life gradually returning to her voice.

"Three nights and three days," Sakura answered quietly. "Your operation took 30 hours, and you've been asleep for the rest of the time."

"You even went unconscious a few times during the procedure," Sakura continued, voice breaking. "I seriously thought we were going to lose you—"

Her sentence was cut short as her eyes brimmed with small tears.

"It's okay, it's okay," Ruman quickly comforted, giving her hand a little squeeze and smiling at her.

"Thank you so much."

Ruman and Sakura sat in silence for a few minutes.

They were interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by Tsunade and Shizune walking into the room.

Ruman tried her best to sit up straighter whilst Sakura immediately stood up in respect to her teacher, as Tsunade nodded at her.

The hokage then directed her attention to Ruman as she approached her bed.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Alive and well," Ruman grinned. "Thank you so much for—"

Her sentence was interrupted by Tsunade suddenly leaning down and pulling Ruman into her arms, embracing her.

Ruman just sat still, stunned.

She felt fine just now, so why did she feel an urge to cry when Tsunade-sama was hugging her?

Ruman swallowed the lump that formed in her throat and blinked a few times to make sure no tears were forming, then rested her head gently on Tsunade's shoulder.

"Thank god you're okay," Tsunade murmured, eyes closed.

Ruman mustered up the energy to crack a small smile.

"All thanks to you, and everyone else here," she responded.

Tsunade held Ruman in her arms for another minute, before finally letting go.

"Sakura, you can go now," Tsunade ordered. "I'll take it from here—Ruman technically shouldn't be having visitors yet, but since you were here taking care of her, I'll overlook it."

Sakura took her cue and stood up to leave, after giving Ruman a smile of reassurance. Ruman simply smiled and waved in return, urging Sakura to hurry and go rest.

Tsunade and Shizune then spent the next 20 minutes performing several different types of check ups on Ruman's body, making sure she was functioning properly and nothing was wrong.

It still hurt to move her body significantly, but Ruman did her best to cooperate and make things as easy for Tsunade-sama and Shizune as she could.

Tsunade finally stood up and took her gloves off, letting out a long sigh in the process.

"Looks like everything's fine," Tsunade announced. "Your body is still extremely weak though, so you can't move around too much. Try not to eat foods that are hard to chew, drink more water, get lots of rest, and don't take any visitors until you feel your energy coming back fully."

Ruman nodded eagerly in understanding.

"How long will it take me to recover?" Ruman asked restlessly.

Tsunade looked at her with tired eyes, an unreadable expression on her face.

"Don't worry about it and just get some rest," Tsunade scolded. "Being able to function like a normal human being should be your highest priority right now."

Ruman pouted slightly but said no more.

"I'll leave you to it then, your act of being energetic and alive doesn't look like it can hold up much longer," Tsunade mused, as Ruman went red. "There are other nurses and medical ninja outside, so don't be afraid to call them if you need any help."

"Thank you so much, Tsunade-sama," Ruman expressed, fumbling with her fingers. "Thank you so much."

Tsunade's facial expression softened, and looked a bit forlorn.

"I'd do anything I can to save a precious shinobi's life," Tsunade affirmed.

They sat in silence for a bit, until Tsunade finally spoke.

"Rest well."

Tsunade and Shizune turned around and made their exit, as Ruman watched their backs disappear behind the sliding door of her hospital room.

Almost immediately, Ruman collapsed back down into her bed and let out a long exhale. A cheap, hospital bed never felt so comfortable and welcoming before. Although she craved company and human interaction at the moment, she couldn't deny how eager she was to continue sleeping.

_I'll see everyone soon enough..._, she thought before drifting into a mellow slumber.

* * *

"Kakashi," Tsunade spoke in her empty office, as she faced the window.

A familiar _poof!_ sound filled the room as Kakashi appeared in a puff of gray smoke before her desk, standing behind her.

"How are you doing today, Hokage-sama?" he chimed, smiling through his eyes as she turned around. "How's Ruman?"

"Alive," Tsunade said stiffly before looking away grimly.

"Are you upset that my student is alive?" Kakashi asked, cocking his head at the sight of Tsunade's troubled expression.

"Kakashi."

He waited for her to continue.

"What is chakra?" Tsunade questioned.

"Am I being quizzed?" Kakashi grinned through his mask. "I thought I graduated from the Academy 21 years ago."

"Just answer," Tsunade said solemnly.

"Chakra is created when physical energy and spiritual energy are moulded together, known collectively as 'stamina,'" Kakashi recited uninterestedly, as if he was reading an excerpt from a textbook. "It's essential to the most basic technique, and it's crucial to every shinobi in order to create ninjutsu."

"Where is chakra produced?" Tsunade queried.

"Chakra is produced within the chakra coils that surround and connect each chakra-producing organ—of which there are seven—and the energy then circulates throughout the body in the chakra pathway system," Kakashi answered.

"And which organs are the chakra-producing organs?" Tsunade asked again.

"The pineal gland, pituitary gland, thyroid gland, thymus, pancreas—"

Kakashi stopped cold. He didn't need to finish his sentence.

The jōnin's usual nonchalant, unconcerned demeanor was nowhere to be found as his visible eye widened.

The only reason Ruman was alive was because she wasn't stabbed through the liver as they'd initially thought.

Instead, she was stabbed through the pancreas by Sasuke's sword, which undoubtedly was channeling a dangerously massive amount of dark chakra if he originally intended to kill Sai with it, according to what Naruto and Sai told him.

"I asked you beforehand if you were ready to bear the consequences," Tsunade recalled sullenly.

Kakashi was silent.

"How serious is it?" he murmured grimly.

"She's done for."

Hearing those three words, Kakashi felt as if an invisible force had just slammed him face-first into the wooden floors of the Hokage's office.

"Is there no way? Even if she heals?" Kakashi asked, voice just barely detectable of panic. "Ruman has always trained extremely hard—"

"It's not physically possible for her to produce even nearly enough chakra as other shinobi with the way her pancreas was wounded," Tsunade cut him off. "You think I haven't thought this through over and over, a billion times already?"

Kakashi's mouth went dry.

He knew Tsunade-sama.

He knew she'd do anything she can in order to save someone's life, so whatever the result, he knew, without even a shred of doubt, that she had already done all there was to do. All that _anyone_ could do.

But this, he never expected this.

Watching Ruman grow up, he knew being a ninja meant the world to her—it was her driving strength and what she felt her life was worth living for.

There was no question, that if given the chance again, Kakashi would still choose to take the risk to save Ruman, despite her slim chances of survival. Her life still meant the most to him and held the utmost importance, but he couldn't help but already begin to blame himself for what was to come.

"Have you told her yet?" he asked, looking Tsunade in the eye.

"No," she sighed. "I wanted to earlier when I went to go see her, but seeing her, so weak and fragile, I couldn't bring myself to.

"If I break the news to her that she has to give up her life and future as a ninja, I'm afraid she'll crumble and just never recover. You remember how Lee reacted."

Kakashi's eye twitched ever so slightly, remembering Lee's grief.

"Maybe tomorrow, or the day after."

Kakashi nodded quietly in understanding.

The next two minutes felt like eternity, as he and the fifth Hokage just stood in drawn-out silence, the only sound in the room being the birds chirping outside, as if nothing were wrong. As if someone's hopes and dreams hadn't just been shattered before their eyes.

"I'll go see her," Kakashi finally said, breaking the silence.

Tsunade nodded as she sat down in her chair and rested her elbows on her desk, burying her forehead into her fists.

"Kakashi," she called, eyes closed and brows furrowed together as he was turning to leave.

"Yes?"

"How well do you know your student's body?" Tsunade asked vaguely.

"Are you calling me a pervert?" he responded, doing his best to lighten the mood.

Ignoring his remark, Tsunade commented, "Have you seen the scars on Ruman's arm?"

"I thought it was perfectly normal for shinobi to have battle wounds and scars," Kakashi reflected.

"Not if they don't look like wounds inflicted by enemies," Tsunade corrected.

Suddenly realizing the gravity of the situation, Kakashi's expression darkened.

_Was Ruman hurting? Herself? Why didn't she ever say anything? When did this happen?_

Noticing Kakashi's worry and uneasiness, Tsunade reassured him, "The scars look quite old. But I wanted you to be aware of it, since I just saw them for the first time when I was switching out the bandages she usually has on her arm; just keep that in mind before you say anything to her about what we talked about."

Heeding Tsunade's warning, Kakashi turned around and left without a word.

Tsunade could only imagine how hard this must be for him, but she knew she didn't have a choice. As Ruman's sensei, he had a right to know.

_I'm sorry, Kakashi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this count as a cliffhanger? Haha I'M SO SORRYYYYY I felt so sad writing this chapter thinking about what comes next omg... Writing is a process but I'm trying to have the next few chapters figured out! PLEASE LEAVE ME COMMENTS I LOVE READING THEM AND THEY MOTIVATE ME TO WRITE/PUBLISH FASTER!! Let me know what you all thought of this one and I love you all!!


	6. Grief - Denial (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi breaks the news to Ruman, and she has a hard time coping. Meanwhile, Neji finds out the real reason why she's hurting.
> 
> Chapter song: "Madness and Back" by Ken Oak Band
> 
> "When is the tide going to take a turn, and when will I wake up in another world?"
> 
> "And who is to blame at the end of the day, as things get a little worse?"

Time seemed to be in limbo for Kakashi. The anticipation for the next day felt endless, but the sun seemed to rise much faster than Kakashi could help.

He probably didn't really sleep that night either, despite trying.

It's been a day since Tsunade told him that Ruman survived her procedure. Since she finally began her road to recovery. Since he found out Ruman could no longer produce enough amounts of chakra to become a full shinobi.

Sitting up in his bed, Kakashi exhaled through his thin mask hiding half his facial features and tilted his head back, closing his eyes.

Today would be the day he told Ruman about the news. About how there was nothing he could do to help her. About how her hopes and dreams of protecting Konoha as a ninja should be given up on.

Kakashi furrowed his brows together, feeling frustrated with the situation.

He also just couldn't shake the uneasiness that tugged at his heart after learning about Ruman's self-inflicted scars on her arm.

Why didn't she say anything? How long has it been going on? Why did she do this to herself?

He thought she knew better than that.

Kakashi rubbed his forehead with his palm, pondering the situation.

What if breaking the news to Ruman triggers her pain, and she relapses into hurting herself? What could he do then?

Knowing very well that none of this was his fault, Kakashi couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt wash over him as an image of Ruman weeping in her hospital bed flashed through his mind.

Kakashi never played favorites, but he couldn't deny that Ruman has always been the easiest to teach because she worked so hard and actually listened to him. She never saw herself as anything special—rather, in fact, always as lesser than other people—but under Kakashi's training and care, Ruman slowly put those thoughts away and focused all her energy into improving as much as she could.

She never was one to cry either; she always laughed it off if she started crying any time Kakashi was around because she thought it was silly and made her appear weaker than others.

But this time would be different.

Saving her life would always hold the highest priority to him, but what happens when all that Ruman has ever worked for, has _lived_ for, is taken away from her as a result?

As Kakashi finally brought himself to slide out of his bed covers and into his shoes, he began to get ready for the day.

He had no choice—he had a job to do, as Ruman's teacher and guardian. All he could offer now was to be there for her and support her when she needed it—inevitably.

* * *

"I'm glad you're feeling better," Sakura beamed at Ruman, as she gently combed through Ruman's long, black hair for her.

"It's all thanks to you, taking care of me this whole time," Ruman giggled in response. "Seriously, if you weren't constantly here pampering me, people wouldn't even believe I'm alive because I look so dead inside."

"Nah, you always look dead when you're not wearing makeup," Naruto jabbed, as Ruman picked up her hand, making a gesture to slap him.

Sakura let out a heartwarming laugh in response.

"I'll always make time for you when you need me," Sakura promised.

Tsunade had begun to allow Ruman to take a few visitors, and Naruto was the first to come. By now, it was clear Neji dropped in a few times to bring fresh flowers, but Ruman was always asleep, so she never caught him when he was here.

He had asked Sakura to give her a note earlier, which, in his neat, orderly handwriting, read:

_Stop trying to move around so much and take your medicine, even if it tastes bad. I'll try to come visit you tonight after my mission if you're awake—get some rest._

Sakura had teased Ruman about how sweet Neji was to her, but Ruman insisted that it was just in Neji's caring and thoughtful personality to do so. They were good friends, and Neji's shoulder had been the one she always turned to lean on for support after Sasuke left the village—he's put up with her a lot, and Ruman would forever be grateful for it.

"He knows I'd kill him if he didn't even bother coming to see me once," Ruman had joked.

Ruman, Naruto, Sakura—the three friends sat quietly for a few moments as Sakura continued to comb, until she broke the silence.

"How was it seeing him?" Sakura asked them softly, eyes never leaving Ruman's hair.

Naruto's mouth went dry as he tried to think of a way to respond to Sakura's sudden question.

"Who?" Ruman asked curiously.

"You know."

Ruman just looked at Sakura with a confused expression.

Sakura sighed.

"Sasuke," she finally said. "I'm talking about the one and only Uchiha Sasuke."

Ruman stared at Sakura blankly, looked at Naruto, then back to Sakura.

"Who?"

Sakura's eyes widened, as she and Naruto both locked eyes at the same time.

_Is she kidding?_

Naruto rushed over from his chair to Ruman's side and held her hand tightly.

"Ruman-chan, don't you remember? Uchiha Sasuke? That bastard who always thinks he's so cool and acts like he's better than everyone else?" Naruto sputtered frantically. "The one who always called us hindrances?"

Ruman crinkled her brows at him.

"Well he doesn't seem like a very nice guy," she commented. "Show me a picture, maybe? Maybe that'll jog my memory a little bit..."

Sakura was already a step ahead of her.

She'd ran to her room and grabbed the framed photo of Team 7 from when they were all young Genin with Kakashi-sensei off her bedside table.

In the photo, Naruto and Sasuke were sulking at each other (as per usual), while Sakura laughed, a rosy blush on her cheeks. Ruman had her arm around Sakura's shoulder, other hand in a peace sign while she smiled a crooked smile at the camera.

Clutching the frame tightly, Sakura ran back into Ruman's hospital room and held up the picture to Ruman's face.

"This one," she huffed, pointing at the black-haired boy in the photo.

Ruman's pupils dilated as she slowly took the photo from Sakura into her hands, peering at it carefully.

Naruto and Sakura studied Ruman's expression closely as she stared at the picture.

A minute felt like eternity as the three teammates stood in absolute silence, anticipation filling the room.

Then, through Ruman's eyelashes, tears slowly began to well up in her eyes until two shiny streams ran down her cheeks.

_Why... am I crying?_

"I... don't know him," Ruman confessed. "But I don't know why... looking at this picture makes my heart hurt so much."

"Think a little deeper, Ruman-chan," Naruto pressed hastily. "You have to remember him."

Ruman closed her eyes as more teardrops fell from her brown irises.

"I really don't," she finally said. "I'm sorry Naruto, I tried jogging my memory so many times but... I just don't think I know this person. Maybe you got the wrong person."

Sakura shakily retrieved the photo from Ruman, without saying a word.

Seeing how upset Naruto and Sakura looked, Ruman shifted uncomfortably in her bed.

"I'm sorry I'm so useless," she apologized. "Is he an important person?"

Naruto unclenched his fists at these words as his expression softened.

"You're not useless, Ruman-chan," he reassured quickly. "He's just a friend of ours who's not in the village right now, but hopefully he'll be back soon."

"Ruman..." Sakura began. "Do you remember how you got here?"

"Not really," Ruman admitted. "I just remember feeling a huge pain in my stomach area when I got stabbed, blacking out, seeing Naruto and Kakashi-sensei run towards me, then I woke up in the Konoha hospital.

"You guys just told me I took one in the gut to save Sai, so I just assumed I acted like a hero for once and faced an enemy at a critical moment," she grinned, trying to lighten the mood.

She was interrupted by a sharp knock on the door, as it slid open to reveal their sensei with his tall, grey hair, standing in the doorway.

"Yo," he grinned through his mask.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Ruman exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, walking over to her bed.

"A lot better," Ruman answered. "Sakura's been taking care of me, and Naruto was my first visitor I got to see so far so I'm feeling really loved right now. He hasn't stopped talking for the past two hours."

"Ah, that's good to hear," Kakashi expressed, ruffling his student's hair.

"Sensei!" Sakura whined, slapping his hand away. "I just brushed Ruman's hair."

"Sorry, sorry," Kakashi laughed, rubbing his neck. "I'm just so happy to see that you're all here and doing well."

"Kakashi-sensei..." Naruto began, looking at Ruman. "Ruman doesn't seem to remember who Sasuke is."

Kakashi raised his eyebrow as his eyes darted from Ruman, to the framed picture of Team 7 in Sakura's hands, and back to Ruman, while she just smiled sheepishly at him.

"I started crying for some reason when I saw the photo," Ruman shrugged, embarrassed. "But I just really don't think I've met this person—maybe Naruto and Sakura are thinking of someone else."

"I see," Kakashi responded. "Well, no worries! If you can't remember, then maybe it's just not meant to be."

Naruto and Sakura still looked a bit bothered, but neither of them really knew what else they should, or could, do in the moment.

_Perhaps it would be better for Ruman not to remember who Sasuke is right now, given her condition_, Kakashi thought to himself.

"Alright you two, I want to have a couple words with Ruman, so you two should probably get back to work," Kakashi announced, placing a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "Sakura, I know you've spent a lot of time taking good care of Ruman, and Naruto, don't even get me started on you slacking off on missions lately."

"I was just trying to make time to see Ruman as soon as I could!" Naruto whined.

"Well, now you've seen her," Kakashi shot back. "Time to get back to work."

Naruto grumbled something inaudible in response as he stood up from his chair, and Sakura took this as her cue to leave as well.

"Get well soon, Ruman-chan!" Naruto called behind him as Sakura began pushing him out of the hospital room. "We'll come see you again soon-"

The door slid shut behind them as Sakura waved goodbye before walking out, leaving Ruman and her sensei alone in the room.

Kakashi walked closer to her and sat at the foot of her bed, hands in his pockets.

"How have you been, sensei?" Ruman asked wholeheartedly. "I feel like it's been so long since I've seen you.

"Did you finally finish your perverted book while I was gone?" she joked.

"Ah, even if I do finish, there is always room for re-reading it," Kakashi chuckled.

The student and teacher made small talk for a few minutes, as Kakashi asked Ruman about her recovery process and made sure that there would be no more life-threatening dangers.

"Ruman..." he slowly began, choosing his words carefully. "There's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?" she asked curiously, oblivious to what was about to come.

"Do you know why you're alive right now?" Kakashi asked. "You only supposedly had a five to ten percent chance of survival."

"Tsunade-sama is really good at what she does," Ruman grinned.

Kakashi smiled softly.

They sat in silence for a bit, until he finally spoke.

"You can't be a ninja anymore."

Ruman's world stopped.

"What?" she asked, voice shaking.

"We all thought you were going to die because you were stabbed through the liver, which is a vital organ for survival," Kakashi began. "It turns out it was actually your pancreas that was injured, but that's a chakra-producing organ-"

"But my other organs are fine," Ruman cut him off, on the edge of panic. "I'm sure I just have to recover and I'll train really hard and Tsunade-sama will find a way and I still have all those other organs to produce chakra and everything will be okay and-"

"Ruman," Kakashi stopped her gently, as tears streamed down her face. "I've already gone through this whole process with Tsunade-sama—she said with the way you've been injured, you'll never recover to the point where you can produce even nearly enough chakra as other shinobi."

Ruman clenched her hands into fists and clutched her blankets so tightly until her knuckles turned white.

"Kakashi-sensei, there has to be another way," she trembled. "This is my life, I can't live if I'm not a ninja."

Kakashi sighed.

"Ruman, there's no other way this will work if you want to live," he expressed heavy heartedly. "You won't have enough stamina after you recover, and probably won't even be able to go through basic ninja training."

Ruman wanted to say more, but was stopped by a the lump forming in her throat as she began to cry. She buried her head into her hands and ran her fingers through her hair, clenching it tightly.

"Why?" she whispered angrily, her whole body shaking. "Why? Why?"

Ruman didn't want her sensei to have to see her like this, but she couldn't help the sobbing that followed shortly, or the gasping for air that came along with it.

This couldn't be happening.

This wasn't real.

It couldn't be.

Her life was falling apart.

What was her purpose of living if she couldn't do the one thing she lived to do?

_Please, dear god_, she prayed. _If there is a god out there, please... please don't take this away from me. This is all I have._

Kakashi felt as if someone was squeezing his heart so tightly it was hard to breathe, as he watched his student cry her heart out.

There was nothing he could do for her.

Kakashi rose from the foot of Ruman's bed and walked over to her, pulling her into his arms.

"Everything's going to be okay," he promised, doubting himself as he said these words.

"No... it's... not," Ruman barely made out between her sobbing breaths. "I'm... useless.... now."

All Kakashi could do was repeatedly pat her shoulder and stroke her hair as Ruman continued to cry into his shirt, wetting a big patch of fabric on his shoulder and chest.

He would stay with her for as long as it took today, until she was okay. It may take a long time, but Kakashi was determined to make sure Ruman healed.

She's already been through so much, and he swore she would survive this too.

_Ruman, I'm so sorry._

* * *

Ruman woke up to the sound of the night owls hooting outside her hospital window.

She sat up and looked around the dark room lit up by the moon shining through her window panes.

No one was there.

The clock on the wall read 11:47.

Her nose was congested, and her eyes stung from how much she'd cried earlier when her sensei was here.

She couldn't even be bothered to fret over how guilty she felt that she made her own sensei sit there and watch her cry, comforting her for hours.

After crying herself dry, Ruman was so parched that she grabbed the glass of water Sakura always left on her bedside table and drank the entire thing.

_I feel like shit._

Everything from earlier felt like a blur.

She felt numb to the core, as if her life was meaningless.

_I must have fallen asleep._

Ruman sat, still, on her bed, contemplating what Kakashi-sensei told her a few hours prior.

_There's no way any of this is real_, she thought to herself.

It didn't make sense.

She was just waiting for someone to burst into her hospital room, telling her it was all a big joke, and that she would actually be up and running to train again in no time.

But no one came.

Ruman didn't believe it.

There was no way that her whole life of training would go to waste just because of some small injury to her pancreas.

She would prove them wrong.

She'd prove Tsunade-sama wrong, and prove Kakashi-sensei wrong. Just like how she'd proved the whole village wrong when she showed everyone that she was capable of becoming a ninja in the first place, and put her life on the line to protect what was precious to her. _Who_ was precious to her.

Ruman eagerly pulled off her blanket covers and slid off the bed, putting on her shoes. The gust of air from her blanket accidentally blew Neji's note to her off the bedside table, as it slowly drifted to the ground without her noticing.

As her feet touched the floor, a sharp pain seared through her stomach area, causing her to immediately keel over and grasp the bed for support.

She breathed heavily for a few moments, and when she could collect herself together again, she stood back up and slowly began to make her way out of the room.

* * *

Neji quietly but quickly made his way to the Konoha hospital within the remaining few miles.

He couldn't deny that the earlier mission had tired him out a bit, as more attackers and ambushers had given him trouble than he'd expected whilst escorting his client to their destination.

But he had told Ruman he'd visit her that night when he returned, and wanted to keep his word.

He'd been consistently visiting her ever since she was hospitalized, but she was always sleeping, so he would leave her the flowers he'd gotten her and quietly leave.

Neji was actually a little excited to finally see her, as he'd heard from Sakura that Ruman was doing much better now.

Knowing her, if she was better, there was no way Ruman would be asleep at this hour, being the night owl she was.

They were definitely closer than ever as friends now, after Sasuke left the village and Neji was on the receiving end of a lot of Ruman's grief. Now, he tried to make more time for her after she chewed him out last year for being an awful friend, when he went weeks without talking to her while she was having a rough time.

It wasn't that Neji didn't care, he just never thought too much about how other people felt.

But after Ruman criticized him last year and Neji saw how genuinely upset she was about it, he apologized and told himself to try and be more considerate.

Neji chuckled to himself, remembering Tenten and Lee's stunned expressions when Ruman stormed into their practice grounds and really let Neji have it.

All hell let loose that day, and Ruman was fuming, until Neji finally put away his pride and went after her.

_I hope she's doing okay_, he thought, making his way up the stairs to her hospital room.

There were no other medical-ninja around, as everyone was sleeping and the hospital was dark.

Neji slowly slid open the door to Ruman's room, just in case she was asleep.

To his surprise, no one was in sight.

Feeling that something was wrong, he quickly approached her messy bed and observed the scene.

_The bed's still warm._

Knowing it hasn't been long since she was there, Neji hurriedly turned around to go look for her.

In the process, he saw the note he wrote her earlier that day on the ground, a faint, dusty footprint on the edge of the paper.

_Get some rest_, it read at the end, fueling Neji's growing irritation.

He told her to not move around so much, so why didn't she just listen?

He went over the possibilities of what could have happened.

There was a chance that Ruman just couldn't wait until she fully healed to satisfy her ramen craving, so she went to buy a late-night bowl.

But, no matter how much Ruman wanted to act like a kid sometimes, she had enough self-control and discipline to listen to the medical ninja to stay and rest if she knew it was good for her.

The other most plausible scenario was that something serious was bothering Ruman and she went out for fresh air.

Neji couldn't imagine what would compel her to leave her room so late at night right after she was finally getting better, but it was definitely a possibility.

The last possibility was that Ruman had been kidnapped while she was recovering and her body was still weak, but he decided to think about that more if he couldn't find her first.

Going with the second theory, Neji set out to the lake that he and Ruman sometimes sat at after practice to talk, or simply relax.

It was her safe haven, and she always went there whenever something was on her mind, or she just wanted to train alone.

It was his best bet.

As Neji set foot again into the cold night air, he sighed, picking up his pace to find her.

_I wonder if she brought a jacket._

Neji found himself lost in his thoughts, just slightly worrying over her without even realizing it.

It didn't take long for him to reach the lake, as Konoha was only so big, and, as a Jōnin, he could get around much faster than other ninja could.

To little surprise, Neji saw Ruman standing at the lake, staring at the water, as the reflection of the full moon in the sky stared back at her. Her white, hospital clothing almost glowed in the moonlight.

He decided to land on one of the larger trees that could conceal him, settling into one of the branches, watching her from a few hundred feet away.

_What is she doing this late?_

Ruman had on an unreadable expression, and her face slightly puffy and swollen. Her hair looked freshly washed and clean, as her outgrown bangs rested a little too much past her eyes.

Neji watched carefully from his hiding spot, holding his breath.

Ruman took a deep breath nervously, and slowly extended a leg out just above the water.

She closed her eyes and stepped gently onto the still water, shifting her weight onto her other leg.

Relief washed over her face as she stayed afloat, her blue chakra keeping her above the water in Neji's eyes.

She slowly made another step, and then another.

Once Ruman had made about 15 steps onto the water, Neji noticed something was wrong.

His byakugan was indicating that Ruman's chakra below her feet was slowly diffusing.

Before he could do anything, a loud _splash!_ was heard from the lake as Ruman dropped directly into the water.

The last thing Neji saw was Ruman's bandaged arms sink below the surface as he stopped himself from going over to help her.

_She'd probably be upset if she knew I was secretly watching her,_ he reasoned. _But what's wrong with her? Why couldn't she stay afloat? What happened to her chakra?_

As Neji contemplated the question, he waited for Ruman to come back out of the water.

But she never did.

Alarmed, Neji scrambled to run over to where he saw Ruman fall into the lake, and dove into the cold water.

"Byakugan!" he called urgently to activate his power, trying to see better in the dark.

Sure enough, he saw Ruman's familiar blue chakra channels in the dark pits of the lake, and swam over to her.

Her chakra channels flickered for some reason—and was especially dark around the pancreas, where she was injured.

"Ruman!" he shouted, voice inaudible through the water.

She floated in the murky body of cold water, eyes closed and unresponsive.

Neji rushed over to her and grabbed hold of her waist, proceeding to wade to the bank.

When they finally reached land, Neji propped Ruman up with his arms, holding her shoulders and shaking her.

"Ruman!" he cried. "Ruman!"

Neji shook her shoulders frantically, trying to produce a response of some sort. A response of life.

_Please._

As Neji laid Ruman down to listen for breathing, she suddenly heaved upwards and coughed up mouthfuls of water and dirt.

She gagged and choked until she could finally breathe again, while Neji held back her hair, supporting her.

As she gasped for air, Neji made sure her life wasn't in danger before angrily roaring, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Why didn't you come back up-"

"Neji," Ruman murmured, burying her head in her hands.

"I can't be a ninja anymore."

Neji stopped cold.

There was a ringing in his ears as he processed what she just said.

_What did she just say?_

As teardrops fell from Ruman's dark brown eyes and she clenched her teeth together, Neji put the pieces together and realized why he saw what he did when he used his byakugan in the water.

She began to whimper and cry, as Neji sat in shock.

He pulled her towards him and held her in his arms, not knowing what else he could do for her.

There was no way she'd be so devastated if there was an alternative, and Neji knew what he saw. Those chakra channels weren't normal, and it didn't seem like there'd be a way to fix them.

"Ruman," he began, not knowing what to say.

She wept into his shirt as the two friends sat on the moonlit grass.

"Let's go back," he said gently, helping her up. "You're going to catch a cold like this."

As Ruman tried to stand up, her legs gave out beneath her and she collapsed onto the ground.

Alarmed, Neji quickly caught her before she fully hit the dirt and just swept her off her feet into his arms completely.

Knowing Ruman would usually protest, he quickly added, "You're in no condition to walk."

But she didn't protest.

She just kept crying—the tears were endless, and they didn't seem to stop no matter how much she wanted them to.

The aching in her chest was just too much to bear.

Neji closed his eyes and did his best to keep his composure; Ruman needed him as support right now, and as much as it hurt him to see Ruman in so much pain, he had to be there for her.

He began to walk away from the clearing and back towards the hospital, with Ruman in his arms.

As a few minutes passed and Ruman finally calmed down a bit, she put her arms around his neck and whispered, "Thank you."

"Of course."

Neji walked in silence for a while and finally brought himself to look down at Ruman.

She had fallen asleep in his arms.

He was a bit relieved that she could at least sleep, but he didn't even want to think about how much she'd gone through earlier in the day to make her so exhausted.

As Neji continued to make his way to the Konoha hospital, he contemplated what he should do during this time.

Of course, he'd stay beside Ruman to support her as much as he could while she was still grieving, but what happens now in the long run?

Can she not even train techniques that don't require chakra like Taijutsu with Lee? How does this affect her basic living? Can she perform daily, regular tasks? Is Ruman capable of at least protecting herself, or is she the equivalent of a normal civilian now?

When they finally arrived at the hospital, Neji laid Ruman down gently on her bed and pulled the blankets up to her chin.

After making sure she was asleep, he cleaned up her room a bit, before heading home to wash himself of all the dirty lake water and sand.

He'd come back tomorrow when Ruman woke up, and pray that she would be a little more healed than today.

She had to heal. She had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me soooo long to write oh my GOODNESS but I hope you guys liked it!! Let me know what you think in the comments (they really keep me going & make me write faster hehe). What did you like? How did this chapter make you feel? What are your predictions for the future? What do you hope will happen? Hopefully I'll have the next chapter out soon! I LOVE YOU ALL~


	7. Grief - Anger (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Warning: Chapter contains mature/sensitive content, so please read at your own discretion!]
> 
> In the second stage of grief, Ruman struggles to accept her new fate. Shikamaru and Neji discover a piece of Ruman she's kept hidden away, and do their best to help her cope.
> 
> Chapter song: "Safe And Sound" Ft. The Civil Wars by Taylor Swift
> 
> "I remember tears streaming down your face when I said, 'I'll never let you go,' when all those shadows almost killed your light."
> 
> "I remember you said, 'Don't leave me here alone,' but all that's dead and gone and passed tonight."
> 
> "Just close your eyes, the sun is going down; you'll be alright, no one can hurt you now."

Ruman woke to the putrid smell of lake water and dirt on her pillow, in her hair, and along her skin.

The sun was high outside.

Although all she wanted to do was rot in bed and sleep her sorrows away, the gag-inducing odor surrounding her bed was too overbearing to ignore.

Ruman groaned and slid out of bed into her hospital slippers, lifelessly dragging her feet to the washroom.

She stripped herself of the mud-stained hospital gown and stepped into the shower, turning the water on.

The sharp pellets of water hitting her skin brought her back to last night, when she thought she would just let herself drown and die in the very lake she'd trained at so many times since childhood.

_How silly of me, thinking life would just let me off the hook that easily._

It obviously hasn't had its fun yet.

Feeling a nauseous pain in her stomach, Ruman keeled over in the shower and crouched, hugging her knees to her chest.

She breathed heavily, trying to collect herself.

Instead, she was overcome with sadness and anger.

Hot showers always felt like an escape to her—the water washed away every worry, and cleansed her of everything she felt tainted her.

But it didn't feel like that today.

Today, each droplet of water made her whole being feel heavier with torment.

Each droplet increased her faint desire to drown in something. Anything.

She felt helpless, useless, and meaningless.

The loud sprinkling against the bathroom walls drowned out Ruman's cries as the water washed away the tears streaming down her face.

Nobody would hear her.

* * *

Ruman sat in her bed, back against the headboard, staring aimlessly at the blank wall across the room.

She wondered what it felt like to be an inanimate object—no feelings, no emotions, no pain.

Ruman felt conflicted.

Why couldn't she remember what happened before she was stabbed?

She knew she sacrificed herself for Sai in the moment, and she wouldn't change a single thing she did.

Ruman would willingly give up all she had to protect someone dear to her, but she never thought the price she paid would be so ruthless.

Rather than simply letting her die, life decided it wanted her to live without a purpose.

Life decided it wanted to take away the most important thing to her, without even the smallest chance of redemption.

The more she grappled with the idea of life and death, the angrier Ruman grew.

Why did it have to be her? Why couldn't she save herself _and_ Sai in the moment?

Why was she so incompetent that she could neither end her life cleanly nor escape safely, but, rather, be stuck in this awful in-between that now dictated the rest of her life?

Ruman looked down at her freshly washed arm, her hair still damp from the shower.

The bare skin of her left arm was still a light shade of red from the heat of the water, and Ruman traced her fingers along the faint scars that have now faded with time.

_One, two, three._

She counted the neat lines stacked above one another, each a few centimeters apart.

Ruman recalled the first time she'd ever brought a blade against her own skin.

She was eleven.

Feeling unwanted and isolated, she didn't know how, but at the time she felt that she deserved to be punished.

And so she took it upon herself to do so.

Ruman slowly drew her index finger along the second scar—the longest, most prominent line.

Twelve years old.

For some reason, at such a young age, she was able to feel so worthless and unqualified as a ninja that she'd managed to commit self-inflicted pain again.

How incredibly sad.

Lastly, Ruman rubbed the shortest, faintest scar, farthest from her wrist up her arm.

Thirteen.

She didn't even remember that one, except being interrupted and snapping out of it, realizing she knew better than to hurt herself.

Ruman only remembered crying as she made each of those cuts, feeling so undeserving of love and anything good in the world; she'd repressed most of the darkest memories from years ago, as she moved on and learned to cherish what she had—as she learned to love.

_How naive._

That was the year she joined Team 7, which would change her life forever.

But things were different now.

She couldn't even be a part of the team that saved her from herself, let alone protect it.

She grit her teeth together as hot tears cascaded down her face and onto the blankets over her legs.

_Why me?_

Ruman's right hand tightened its grip on her left arm, until her knuckles turned a visible shade of white.

_Why... me?_

She dug her fingernails into her forearm, as pain seared through it.

_Why?_

Pale flakes of skin began to peel off as Ruman dragged her nails across her skin, miniscule drops of blood rising to the surface.

_It's not fair._

Ruman muffled her cries as she buried her head into her blankets, weeping.

It was getting harder to breathe.

She was overcome with fury, confusion, and bitterness.

Why did this happen to her? Why couldn't she just live peacefully for once?

She deepened her hold on her arm, as the tiny drops of blood grew slightly larger in size, oozing out of the scratches she made on her flesh.

_Why is this happening?_

She couldn't even think rationally anymore.

"Ruman, stop."

Ruman's head snapped up at the familiar voice, face covered in tears and tangled hair.

In the doorway stood a calm Shikamaru with his hands in his pockets, staring at her.

As he walked towards her bed, Ruman quickly wiped her tears and snot with the sleeve of her new hospital gown.

She didn't want Shikamaru to have to see her like this.

"You look terrible," he commented as he reached her bed.

"I hate you," she said, still wiping her tears.

Shikamaru was probably the only friend who'd greet her in such a way without consequence, since usually Naruto would probably get hit or threatened.

Ruman knew Shikamaru was right though; her eyes and face were puffy from crying for days, and her dry, chapped lips along with disheveled, knotty hair probably didn't help her image.

Shikamaru plopped down into the chair next to her bed, and studied her closely.

Ruman looked away—she couldn't even meet his eye or look at him directly.

"I heard about it," he said.

Ruman bit her lip so hard she thought it was going to bleed.

She didn't want to start crying again, but every time she was reminded of how her dream was being torn away from her, she couldn't help but want to grieve.

Shikamaru sighed.

"It's not like everything's over, Ruman," he reasoned. "Aren't you glad you're alive, at least?"

That was her tipping point.

"But everything _is_ over, Shikamaru," she whimpered, burying her head into her hands. "Yeah sure, I'm alive, but I'm over. I'm useless now. I have nothing."

"Yeah right," Shikamaru responded exasperatedly. "Can you be a bit more open-minded for once?"

Ruman's right hand made its way back to her left arm, wanting to rip it apart.

She was stopped by Shikamaru firmly grabbing her wrist.

"Don't."

His eyes widened ever-so-slightly as he took in the sight: the three scars lined neatly above one another, and the new scratches Ruman had made before he walked in.

Ruman's heart sped up, as she was on the verge of panicking.

She felt so vulnerable in front of Shikamaru with her usually-bandaged-arm exposed, but she didn't know he was coming to see her, and didn't have time to bandage her arm before he saw her.

How would he react? Would he think she was crazy? Would he be disgusted? Would he think she was sick? Would he be angry?

To her surprise, Shikamaru said nothing.

He simply got up and walked to the cabinet in the corner of the room, where Sakura always stored all the first aid supplies.

Ruman could only sit in anticipation.

Once Shikamaru came back, he sat down and took Ruman's scratched up arm into his lap.

Without a word, he swiftly took out the familiar bandages and began to unravel it.

Ruman watched in silence, as neither of them said a word.

Shikamaru first wiped her cuts clean of the blood as she winced—Ruman didn't realize how roughly she'd scraped herself when she was alone.

He then familiarly applied a bit of ointment onto each scratch, and began to wrap the long, white bandage around her forearm, starting at her wrist, where her scars were.

Ruman could feel his concentration on her skin as she watched his eyes follow the bandage through his eyelashes.

After biting off the end and sealing the bandage, Shikamaru nonchalantly placed her arm back onto her lap.

"You should focus on getting better," he said simply, leaning back in his chair.

"Okay."

Something about her friendship with Shikamaru was always so unspoken, but genuine. He always acted aloof, like everything was a hassle or he didn't care, but his heart was always in the right place, and he would always make the best decision in the end.

They sat quietly for a few minutes.

To break the silence, Ruman asked, "How has training been going lately? How are Choji and Ino?"

"They're good," he answered. "Ino's been getting on my back about going to practice though."

Shikamaru sighed while Ruman rolled her eyes at his signature annoyed expression upon hearing his answer.

"I can't even train if I wanted to," she complained, trying to lighten the mood. "Are you trying to make me feel bad right now?"

A sweat bead formed on Shikamaru's forehead as he laughed nervously.

"No no no," he claimed, scooting his chair a little farther from Ruman's bed should she decide to punch him. "I'll go tomorrow."

"Good."

Ruman was glad Shikamaru wasn't making a big deal out of anything, even though after seeing her scars, he probably now fully understood how much she'd struggled when she was younger, and how hard it was for her now.

She found solace in his presence alone, and someone as lazy as him taking time out of his day to come visit her, despite everything being troublesome, was enough.

Yes, it would be tough from here, as her days seemed to be filled one after another with grief—but at least she knew she wouldn't be alone.

She had built all these friendships from the ground and cherished them more than anything, and she wasn't about to take any of them for granted.

But sometimes, she did need a reminder every so often.

_I am not alone._

Shikamaru stayed to keep Ruman company, and although she's known him for years now, it never failed to surprise her how long he could put up with her.

Constantly feeling like a burden to other people, Ruman would never not be grateful for friends who stayed by her side when she needed them, even though she knew that's what friends do.

"So how'd you get back last night?" Shikamaru asked, after Ruman described what happened when she tried to walk on water with chakra at the lake.

"Neji... carried me," Ruman admitted, ashamed and embarrassed.

Shikamaru raised his eyebrow.

"I'm surprised he didn't just drop you and run," he smirked. "You must have smelled nasty after falling into the water."

"Still better than you," Ruman retorted, reaching over her bed to slap him as he quickly dodged.

But Ruman was glad Shikamaru brought Neji up.

"I was too busy bawling my eyes out to even say anything to him," she confessed, feeling guilty. "I'm pretty sure he helped clean up my mess when we got back to the hospital room before leaving too, and I just straight up fell asleep... wow I'm kind of terrible."

"Yup, you are," Shikamaru agreed in response.

"Oh, stop it," she snapped.

Their banter went back and forth for a while, until the day slowly grew darker, and the sun began to set.

Ruman updated Shikamaru on everything that's happened to her lately, and he told her stories of the missions he'd gone on while she wasn't around.

Although it felt like Ruman had been gone for ages—as she did take a trip to death's door and back—she still felt grounded, and lived through Shikamaru's little tales.

No one seems to ever be able to outsmart him.

It never ceased to amaze her how incredibly intelligent he was, how far he could think ahead, and how modest he was about it.

Recognizing that the day was coming to an end and Shikamaru had his own life to get back to, Ruman asked slowly, "Do you have to go now?"

Checking the clock, he groaned, "Yeah, my mom really wants me to be home for dinner today."

"Okay," Ruman pouted.

She never liked watching her friends leave, as she really enjoyed their company, but she knew everyone had other things to do.

"Thanks for visiting me," she grinned earnestly.

"I don't have anything better to do," Shikamaru yawned, getting up from his chair.

_Liar. You're always busy these days._

"Take care of yourself," he added, turning to leave.

Ruman saw his eyes graze over her arm for a split second.

"Yeah, yeah."

As Shikamaru headed towards the door, he returned the first aid supplies to the cabinet in the corner of room first, then proceeded to exit.

"I'll see you later," he called over his shoulder, helping Ruman turn on the lights in her room before closing the door behind him.

Once Ruman was alone in the room again, she took a deep breath and exhaled; her heavy heart felt much lighter after talking to Shikamaru for so long, and she actually began to feel sleepy.

She slid deeper under her covers until she was fully laying down, and hugged the blankets to her chest.

_Maybe I'll be able to sleep a little better now._

* * *

Neji made his way up the stairs to Ruman's hospital room, contemplating what Kakashi-sensei had told him earlier in the day.

Neji had been on a brief mission since dawn and just returned a little before noon, when Sakura approached him to deliver the message that Kakashi-sensei was looking for him.

Neji had gone immediately, even before eating lunch, in case Kakashi-sensei had something urgent to say.

Thoughts interrupted by reaching Ruman's room, Neji stopped outside the door, hesitant to slide it open.

He mulled over his and Kakashi-sensei's brief meeting from a few hours ago.

* * *

_"Kakashi-sensei," Neji greeted politely, curious as to why the experienced shinobi was looking for him._

_"Neji," Kakashi nodded in return, grinning through his one visible eye. "How are you?_

_"You know," Kakashi continued, "we're both Jōnin, which means we stand as equals now—you don't have to keep calling me 'sensei.'"_

_"It's only respectful," Neji replied humbly. "You and Gai-sensei are the same generation, and you've also taught us so much as a teacher, so it's only natural I continue to use honorifics; I still have much to learn."_

_"Oh Neji, gracious as always," Kakashi praised. "'Same generation...' Now why does that make me feel so old?"_

_Neji simply smiled civilly in response, as Kakashi scratched his head._

_"Well, I don't want to keep you guessing as to why I called you here today," Kakashi announced, getting down to business. "I asked Sakura who Ruman's closest friends were outside of Team 7, and she said you two spent quite some time together training, is that right?"_

_"Yes, that's right," Neji affirmed, wondering why Kakashi-sensei was bringing Ruman up._

_"I'm sure you've heard about her condition?"_

_Neji stiffened._

_"Yes."_

_"The thing is," Kakashi began, "I want you to look out for her."_

_Neji raised his eyebrow._

_"Is she in danger?" he asked calmly._

_"You see... Ruman's been hurt," Kakashi started to explain. "But not by enemies—I don't know when it started, when it ended, or even if it's ended at all, but I can't deny that I'm concerned about her."_

_He tried to describe the situation in the vaguest way possible, without being too vague._

_Luckily for Kakashi, Neji was quick to interpret his words as his expression grew sullen._

_Neji's head spun a little bit as he tried to wrap his mind around the depth of Kakashi-sensei's words._

What's happening..., _he brooded. _Ruman, what have you done?

_"You can see why I wouldn't want to tell Naruto or Sakura, as they're Ruman's teammates, so things can get complicated," Kakashi described. "But it's also a little difficult for me to confront her about it, since I'm her sensei."_

_Neji recognized what he was trying to say._

_"I'm not saying to watch her like a criminal, but just... keep an eye out for her," Kakashi clarified. "You already saw what she'd do on her own last night."_

_Neji's eyes narrowed, remembering the image he'd seen of Ruman plunging into the lake, not even questioning how Kakashi-sensei knew about that._

_"I understand," Neji articulated. "Is there really nothing we can do—"_

_"I've asked myself that thousands of times already," Kakashi sighed. "But life works in a funny way like that. This is a traumatic experience for Ruman, so the least we can do for her is to be there, and not let her hurt herself any more than she already has been hurt."_

_Neji grew silent, face solemn._

_"Alright."_

_"Thank you," Kakashi smiled, lightening up the mood. "I appreciate it."_

_"Of course," Neji expressed. "Ruman's just as important to me as she is to everyone else."_

_"I'm counting on you then."_

* * *

Collecting himself, Neji stood up straighter and knocked briskly on the door of Ruman's hospital room.

"Come in," her familiar voice called.

Neji smoothly slid the door open and stepped into her room, relieved to see that Ruman had cleaned herself up since last night, and wasn't rotting in dirty lake water in bed.

"Hey," she grinned, sitting up.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Neji asked, noticing the bed covers pulled up her body.

"No," she reassured. "I was going to take a nap since I had nothing better to do, but it looks like there's a change of plans."

Neji just smiled.

He held up the basket in his right hand.

"I brought dinner."

Ruman couldn't hide the beam that spread across her still slightly puffy face, but, in all honesty, she was too hungry to notice.

It felt like it's been centuries since she had something to look forward to.

"What is it?" she asked eagerly, trying to peer into the basket.

"Calm down," Neji chided. "It's sushi; I thought it'd be less harsh on your stomach and easier to eat—not to mention less messy too."

"Woooow," Ruman cooed. "So considerate."

"It's hard not to be considerate after you chewed me out last year for being so oblivious to people's feelings," Neji chuckled.

Ruman snickered.

"Well it obviously did the trick."

As Neji sat down and began to unload the contents of the basket, he commented, "You sound a lot better today."

"Yeah, Shikamaru stopped by earlier and we talked for a good amount of time," Ruman explained, eyeing all the sushi Neji brought. "I think it's nice just for me to talk to someone, y'know?"

"I know," he agreed mindlessly, still unpacking the food.

"Thanks for last night," Ruman murmured suddenly, catching Neji off guard.

He paused for a split second before resuming.

"Don't worry about it."

Relieved that he wasn't upset about her completely disregarding him despite what he did for her yesterday, Ruman decided to start the meal with a piece of inari—she always found the sweet and salty tofu skin paired with the sushi rice particularly enticing.

"Itadakimasu~" she sang, taking a bite of her food.

"Itadakimasu," Neji echoed with his eyes closed, then opening them to pick up a piece of nigiri.

"So what'd you do today?" Ruman asked casually while chewing.

"I went on a mission at dawn," Neji disclosed, gracefully putting the piece of sushi into his mouth. "There was someone terrorizing a small village, but it actually turned out to be the village leader's son with a gang of hooligans."

"So they dragged the great Hyūga Neji out of Konoha just to capture a few irrelevant goons?" she giggled.

"Well, a good deed done is a good deed more," he laughed. "At least the villagers can sleep peacefully tonight."

Ruman and Neji conversed over the satisfying dinner, as the both of them had barely eaten throughout the day.

Once they'd finished eating and cleaned up a little bit, Neji decided to bring up what's been bugging him this whole time.

"Ruman," he started, as she perked up. "Are you hurt anywhere?"

This time it was Ruman who was caught off guard.

"Well, I mean other than the emotional pain and grief I'm going through from being forced to throw away all I've ever known and worked for, I'd say I'm fine," she lied, hoping the sarcasm would distract Neji from noticing the fresh bandages on her arm.

But he noticed.

Neji noticed everything.

His eyes drifted over to her right arm as she tried to sneakily slide it under her covers.

"Let me see your arm," he ordered.

"Why? There's nothing wrong with it," she protested.

"That's not how you tie usually your bandages," he accused.

"Well yeah, Shikamaru came in earlier and helped me wrap my arm since he was here anyway," she quickly insisted.

"Ruman," he interrupted. "My Byakugan is all-seeing—are you going to show me your arm, or do you want me to activate them and see through your bandages myself?"

Ruman fell silent and looked down, not daring to meet his eyes.

Watching her intently, Neji slowly but steadily reached over the bed to gently take hold of her wrist.

She felt so fragile, Neji was almost afraid he'd break her if he made any sudden movements.

But she didn't object.

Turning her arm over, Neji unwound her bandages, bit by bit.

His fingers quivered slightly.

As the cloth unraveled itself, it revealed Ruman's bare forearm.

She felt so exposed. So vulnerable.

Why were two people she cared about both finding about this in the same day?

Neji paled at what he saw.

The three unmistakable scars of cuts on her wrist taunted him, and the fresh scratches on her forearm told him exactly how well she'd been coping with the news—not well.

Neji clenched and unclenched his jaw.

"Tell me how I can help you," he muttered, voice just barely trembling.

It took all the strength he had in his body to not shake with anger and sadness for Ruman—he couldn't understand how someone could bring harm to their own skin, but he knew scolding her wouldn't help a single thing.

That's not what she needed right now.

When he looked back up at her, Neji almost regretted confronting her in this way.

Tears rolled relentlessly down her cheeks, as she bit her lip to hold any crying noises in.

"Tell me how I can help you," he said again, more gently.

"I don't know, Neji," she blurted, visibly sobbing now. "I want to know how to help me too; I want to know how I can have my life back. I want to know how I can be a ninja again. I want to know how to not be worthless."

"Ruman, not being able to be a ninja doesn't make you worthless," he persuaded.

"It's all I had, Neji."

"Think of the most important thing in your life, right now, in this moment," she challenged through tears.

_Most important thing in my life?_ Neji wondered.

He'd never really thought about that question in that way before.

Although he probably should say Hinata, since it was his duty to protect the head branch of the Hyūga clan, in this moment, all he could see was Ruman before his eyes, whimpering and vulnerable.

"Now think about that being taken away from you," Ruman croaked. "You can't do a damn thing about it; you just watched it vanish before your eyes, and without it, you feel like you don't have a purpose. I'm not blaming you for anything, but can you imagine how I'm feeling inside right now?"

"If you died while saving Sai, or drowned last night, I'm sure that's how I'd feel," Neji murmured.

Ruman hiccuped as she continued to sob.

Neji tensed up as he pushed away the thought of Ruman dying or disappearing.

"I'm sorry. I don't. Mean to. Take this. Out on you," she gasped, choking on her words.

Now Neji just felt bad for upsetting Ruman so much, when she was noticeably doing better earlier.

"It's fine," Neji comforted, not knowing what else to say. "I just don't know how I can help you; I don't want you to go through this alone."

Ruman curled up into a ball as she tried to control her crying.

Neji just sat awkwardly in his chair, unsure of what to do.

"Just stay by my side," she finally said, wiping away her tears. "Sometimes it gets really tough and life itself feels meaningless, but when I see you, or Naruto, Sakura, Shikamaru, Kakashi-sensei, or anyone I care about, it gets a little easier for me to live."

"I'll stay," Neji promised immediately.

It was the least he could do.

Ruman smiled into her blankets as she rubbed her eyes.

"Man, I have to stop crying," she laughed. "I look so ugly, and my face is so puffy from crying so much that it almost hurts."

"You'll be okay," Neji reassured.

"Thanks."

The two friends sat in silence as the owls hooted outside.

It felt a bit weird to Ruman to be the one sitting in her hospital bed with Neji attending to her, since usually they swapped places; Neji was always the one who came back mildly injured from tough missions, and Ruman would bring him food or keep him company.

Although Neji knew better than to blame other people for Ruman's actions and emotions, he couldn't help but feel a bit of contempt towards Sasuke.

This had all started with him, and almost ended with him.

Neji admired how perseverant Ruman, Naruto, and Sakura were to retrieve the Uchiha, but he never imagined that he'd almost lose Ruman forever because she tried to bring Sasuke back.

On the other hand, he understood.

Ruman was a dear friend to him, and he would have gone to the same lengths for her as she, Naruto, and Sakura were going for Sasuke.

For now, he'd just have to hope she doesn't remember Sasuke any time soon, at least until she fully heals and is emotionally stable.

He wasn't sure Ruman would be able to handle the memories, simply based on where she was right now.

But he would make sure that she didn't relapse into hurting herself—Neji didn't know how Ruman managed to give herself those scars during the time he'd known her, but he swore that from now on, it wouldn't happen again.

That was the least he could do as a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry this chapter took me so long to publish, it was a bit hard to write (sometimes I felt like my heart was literally aching for Ruman omg). I just really wanted to emphasize the way Ruman is feeling internally, and how difficult it is to cope with what she's faced with, as well as accepting her new fate. Of course, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, please please PLEASE get help! I wanted to depict how hurt people who love Ruman feel when they find out she was suffering alone, and how she should have reached out and relied on those who cared about her.
> 
> Anyway, please let me know what you all think! This took me quite some time, so I'd like to know what your thoughts are! Do you want to see more of Sasuke, or do you not mind the focus being mainly on Ruman? What do you think of the other character interactions? What do you like so far?


	8. Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sai visits Ruman and has a revelation about their relationship.
> 
> Chapter song: "Youth" by Daughter
> 
> "And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones—because most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs."
> 
> "And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones—because most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone."
> 
> "And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one—because most of us are bitter over someone."
> 
> "And my eyes are damp from the words you left, ringing in my head—when you broke my chest."

"Pardon?" Sai asked, not believing his ears. "She doesn't remember him?"

"No," Tsunade responded firmly as Naruto looked away grimly.

"Tsuande-sama, how does this happen?" Sai questioned, confused and disturbed.

He clenched his fists together.

What more could go wrong at this point?

Ruman was fatally injured, will never be able to live as a full shinobi again, and now she's lost part of her memory too?

Why was this happening?

"I don't know," Tsunade finally responded. "My guess is that it's a type of, hopefully, temporary amnesia. When something extremely traumatic happens to someone, there is a chance they repress it deep within their minds until it resurfaces again."

"What can we do to help it resurface?" Naruto asked immediately.

"Probably nothing at this point," Tsunade admitted. "A person's memory is a very fragile thing to tamper with, Naruto. An enormous amount of emotional and physical pain is required to repress something so deeply in your mind and heart that you can't even remember the tiniest bit of it."

"Plus you don't know if you'd want to trigger Ruman into remembering why she just lost her future and dreams right now," Sai said quietly, reading the situation perfectly.

"Exactly," Tsunade acknowledged.

Naruto fell silent, and Sai looked out the fifth Hokage's window with a blank expression.

As a part of Root, Sai wasn't allowed to have emotions.

So what was this fiery heat eating away at him? Why did he feel a soft rage slowly growing in the back of his mind? Why did he feel a sense of guilt, almost?

"Well if you two don't have any other matters to discuss with me, you can leave now," Tsunade dismissed, turning back to her work that she'd put aside once Naruto barged into her office.

"Let's go see Ruman," Naruto suggested, walking towards the door. "You haven't even visited her once since she was hospitalized, Sai."

"Am I supposed to?" he asked.

Naruto sighed exasperatedly.

"Yes," he answered, opening the door. "It's something _friends_ do."

Still working on how to be a better comrade, Sai immediately followed Naruto at the word "friends," and quickly made his way to the Konoha hospital.

As they walked, Sai could not hold back the questions he simply didn't know the answers to.

"Why are you willing to go so far for Sasuke?" he asked coldly. "Look at what he's done—Ruman almost lost her life. Why do you all do this?"

"He's my friend," Naruto replied plainly, as if the answer were obvious. "He's made mistakes and he's lost right now, but we're here to make sure he finds his way again."

Although Naruto tried to remain calm, Sai noticed, for once, the way he clenched and unclenched his jaw, thinking about the consequences affecting Ruman's life.

"I just wish I was the one who was hurt instead of Ruman," Naruto confessed. "I could handle it more—she doesn't deserve this."

Sai was silent.

As the two teammates reached their destination, Sai mentally prepared himself to see Ruman, whom he hadn't seen since she flung herself in front of him and taken the fatal attack for him.

It was a miracle she survived.

He didn't know why he couldn't bring himself to go see her, after what she did for him.

Sai did his best to shake the uneasiness he was feeling.

"Ruman-chan!" Naruto sang, bursting into her hospital room after pushing the door open, as Sai followed quietly behind.

There she lay, on the hospital bed, propped up by large pillows. Her eyes were slightly puffy, and, for the first time in his life, Sai saw dark circles beneath them. Ruman always had a slightly round face from her baby fat, but even her cheeks had hollowed out slightly since the last time he saw her.

Beside Ruman sat Shikamaru, who paused mid-sentence at Naruto's entrance.

"Naruto!" she exclaimed, perking up.

Her hair a soft, tousled mess, Ruman beamed at the sight of her two teammates, especially since it felt like an eternity since she'd last seen Sai.

"Sai, how are you feeling?" she asked eagerly.

"I'm completely back to normal," he answered reassuringly. "You should worry about yourself first, and make sure you get enough rest."

"I'm glad," she breathed. "You look a lot better too."

_You look terrible_, he thought.

Remembering what he read in a book about making solid friendships, Sai decided to tell Ruman the exact opposite of what he felt.

"You look great," he forced a smile as genuinely as he could.

Sai was still trying to get used to this.

"You look like a liar," Ruman said flatly with a smile.

Shikamaru just laughed.

"At least I'm losing weight," Ruman remarked, pinching her cheek.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"That's unhealthy, Ruman," he muttered.

"Training is literally what kept me slim and toned my whole life," Ruman complained. "My hips are already naturally wide so now I'm going to look fat if I can't train with you guys and instead just keep sleeping and eating—"

"_How_ did I end up with the group of friends that are all conscious about their weight," Shikamaru groaned, interrupting her. "Seriously Ruman, it's not that big of a deal. And you look fine."

Although Sai and Naruto took Ruman's comments as meaningless banter, Shikamaru knew it was more of a coping mechanism to her underlying issues about body image she used to bring up occasionally with him.

He'd always thought it was ridiculous—depriving yourself of food just because you want to look a certain way. Ino and Sakura had always been notorious for being "on a diet," so he was glad that mindset never rubbed off on Ruman, until now.

Shikamaru's eyebrow twitched at the thought of all the consequences Ruman now had to face because of Sasuke.

Losing her future, being terrified of eating, sleepless nights, endless crying, and all having to act like she was completely okay when interacting with people.

Sai seemed mildly disturbed, as something looked like it was on his mind.

"Ruman, why did you do it?" Sai muttered out of nowhere, not being able to meet her eye.

"Do what?" she asked innocently, taken by surprise at his sudden serious tone of voice.

"Why did you sacrifice yourself to save me?" Sai murmured through clenched teeth. "Why would you do something like that, when you're the one who's hurt beyond repair now?"

The room fell dead silent, changing the atmosphere entirely.

Anyone could easily hear a pin drop.

Shikamaru raised his eyebrows as Naruto looked anxiously at Ruman, not sure how she'd take the situation.

An unreadable expression spread across her face as she looked at Sai, never taking her eyes off of him.

"I don't know," she finally said, as Sai lifted his head to meet her eyes. "My body just moved on its own."

Naruto's jaw dropped at those words, a chill running down his spine.

Ruman doesn't remember Sasuke, but just repeated the exact words he'd once said, when Naruto screamed at him, asking why he'd sacrifice himself for him when Haku and Zabuza attacked them all those years ago.

That was the first real mission Team 7 had gone on together.

"But you're my friend and I care about you so I don't regret a thing I did," she stated, unwavering, looking Sai hard in the eye.

Sai's world stopped for a brief moment.

Why would she say something like that?

Ruman wasn't related to Sai in any way, and she had no reason to put his life before hers, so why was she doing this?

He was confused.

Noticing Sai's shock, Ruman said, "Come here."

Sai walked closer to her bed, and once he was within reach, Ruman held both her arms out and pulled Sai down towards her into an embrace, hugging him.

Taken completely by surprise, Sai froze on the spot.

Naruto stood with his jaw open, and Shikamaru raised his eyebrows once more, obviously also surprised by Ruman's actions.

"We're friends," Ruman emphasized again, arms still wrapped around Sai's neck, "and that's what friends do—protect what's dear to them."

Sai didn't know what to make of the tight feeling in his chest.

He was quite sure his heart sped up, but couldn't attribute it to a particular emotion.

_Why do I feel this way?_

Once Ruman finally let him go, Sai simply smiled awkwardly as she laughed at his rigid expression.

Her laugh rang through the room like a melody, and Naruto and Shikamaru also loosened up seeing Ruman take the situation well, despite being reminded of her injuries.

"Well, I've gotta go," Shikamaru announced, rising from his seat beside Ruman's bed.

"Already?" Ruman pouted, reluctant to let him go.

"Yeah, I've still got some errands to run," Shikamaru yawned. "Don't worry, it's not like I'm never gonna come back and see you again."

"It's okay, Ruman-chan, you have us!" Naruto chirped, pushing Shikamaru out of his way.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and began to make his exit.

As the four of them said their goodbyes, Naruto plopped himself down into the chair Shikamaru had just gotten up from, immediately diving into his stories that happened within the week since he'd last seen Ruman.

"And he was tough, but I kicked his ass like it was nothing..." Naruto rambled excitedly as Ruman just grinned while listening patiently.

Sai had also found himself a seat and decided to stay with them for a little bit.

"Naruto, if I recall correctly, he had you pinned down," Sai remarked, smirking at Naruto's tall, stretched tale.

The vein on Naruto's forehead throbbed as he snapped back at Sai, warning him not to interrupt his storytelling, while Ruman suppressed a giggle.

She'd missed Naruto and his ridiculous disposition, always lighting up the room with his presence.

"Ruman, I'm going to be gone for a while," Naruto suddenly said a bit forlornly, looking away.

"What?" she puzzled. "Where are you going?"

"We just deciphered the Jiraiya's message he left on Fukasaku's back before he died while fighting Pain, and I'm going to go train with him at Mount Myoboku," Naruto explained, his brows furrowing together at the thought of Jiraiya.

_Jiraya-sama..._

"I see," Ruman commented.

She couldn't help but feel envious that Naruto would be on his way to train and become stronger, while she was being left behind.

She shook away the thoughts.

This wasn't about her.

This was about Jiraiya-sama, and Naruto fighting for him, to get to the bottom of this mess.

She couldn't even imagine how much pain Naruto had gone through in the last few weeks, losing a mentor so close to him.

"Do your best," Ruman smiled encouragingly. "I'll be supporting you and waiting for you to come back to show me everything you've learned."

"Don't worry, just wait," Naruto boasted confidently, puffing his chest out. "I'll get stronger and fight for the both of us."

Ruman laughed a song-like laugh, eyes sparkling.

"But yeah, we should go soon," Naruto finally concluded, looking at Sai and standing up. "I just wanted to stop by and let you know before I left."

"I appreciate it," Ruman thanked. "And thanks to you too, Sai, for coming to visit me."

"Of course," Sai replied, surprised by her sudden address to him.

"Come see me more when you have time!" she invited warmly. "Not like I'll be doing much anyway, and Naruto won't be here to annoy me if he's going off to train."

"O-oh," Sai stammered. "Okay."

The boys said their final goodbyes and made their way to the door, both leaving with lifted hearts.

_She called me her friend..._, Sai's thoughts murmured.

_I'll get stronger for you_, Naruto's thoughts vowed.

_Wait for me._

_Believe in me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday everyone! Are you enjoying the story so far? As you can tell, I've decided to break the "Grief" series for a regular chapter since there are some things I want to include that I might not be able to fit into it—I guess it's more realistic that way too; people don't go through the five stages of grief immediately one after another, haha.
> 
> I'm trying to prepare right now because the next few arcs in the story will be WILD and stuff's about to get real, so be patient with me as the chapters might be longer!
> 
> What do you like about the story so far? Which character interactions do you like? What do you want to see more of? How do these chapters make you feel?
> 
> Please leave me comments! I absolutely love reading them and they motivate me to write faster and publish more :') Thank you for the support again! <3


	9. "Confession"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenten lets on about a certain someone who may see Ruman as more than just a friend, but Ruman reflects on her self-worth and whether or not she deserves love.
> 
> Chapter song: "Crazy" by Shawn Mendes
> 
> "I just got this crazy feeling, I've been making someone wait for me."

Ruman heard a sharp rap on her hospital door.

"Come in!" she called, surprised at the short interval between this and her last visitor, as Neji had just left half an hour ago.

_Did he forget something?_

To Ruman's surprise, the door slid open to reveal Tenten, dressed in her typical red pants and qipao-style top.

Ruman's face lit up.

"Tenten!" she exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear. "Goodness, I haven't seen you in so long—I missed you so much!"

Tenten looked just as happy in return and rushed over to Ruman's side, giving her a big hug.

Ruman could tell Tenten had been training hard, as her toned arms wrapped around Ruman's body made it a little difficult to breathe.

"Ten... ten... I... can't... breathe," Ruman choked through the silky fabric of Tenten's white top, breathing in her familiar scent—a mix of fresh grass and metal. It made sense, as Tenten was a weapons specialist.

"Oh, sorry!" she yelped apologetically, immediately releasing Ruman from her death grip.

Ruman took a second to catch her breath, still smiling at the sight of her friend.

Tenten had always been friendly to Ruman, and since Ruman and Neji were so close, it was only natural that Ruman also had lots of chances to interact with Tenten whenever Ruman went to see him at practice.

There was always something so charming about the way Tenten's dark brown hair was twisted into two, perfectly shaped, round buns, one on each side of her head.

"I brought you food~" Tenten cooed, sliding out the basket from behind her back, revealing a few plates of dango.

"Dango!" Ruman chimed, visibly excited.

It felt like forever since the last time Ruman got to eat a sweet dessert, and she had been craving sweet red bean paste with the sticky rice mochi for weeks.

As Tenten lifted the plates one by one out of the small basket, her nose perked up as she sniffed the air in Ruman's room.

"It smells like food," she observed. "Did you eat already?"

"Yeah," Ruman confessed sheepishly. "Neji was just here and he brought me lunch, so we ate together."

"Ah."

"But it's okay!" Ruman quickly added. "I can literally always eat more, plus I've been wanting to eat something sweet for aaaages."

"Good," Tenten grinned, handing Ruman a stick of dango and a plate to eat on top of.

The pastel colors of pink, white, and green put Ruman in a good mood.

Tenten flopped into the chair beside Ruman's bed and took a bite of her dessert.

"Mmmm," the two friends said in unison, both lips covered in a soft white coat of tapioca flour.

One glance at the other was enough to make them burst out laughing.

Ruman had missed this.

Tenten was one of her more carefree friends, and the aura she brought with her always made Ruman's heart feel lighter.

Not to mention she was always down to eat.

Ruman could never go out with Ino or Sakura to eat because they were always "on diets" (whatever the hell that meant), and she wasn't about to get tricked into paying for Naruto's meals.

Shikamaru was too lazy sometimes, and Neji seemed too proper to constantly go out for food with Ruman—he was always so busy with missions, being a Jōnin and all, that he occasionally didn't even have time to eat an actual meal, let alone eat out with her.

"So what's been going on?" Tenten asked, her signature words that always prodded Ruman for updates on her life. "What've you been up to?"

"Literally nothing," Ruman sighed. "All I can do is stay in this hospital, bed-ridden, and wait to heal—I don't even know what I'm going to do with my life once I do heal."

"Oh yeah, I heard," Tenten said disappointedly. "Sorry."

Ruman couldn't control the tears that welled up in her eyes.

"Oh no, don't cry!" Tenten stammered. "Sorry for upsetting you, I didn't mean to."

"No, it's fine," Ruman laughed, wiping away her tears. "I don't even know why I'm crying, I don't _feel_ sad or anything; I'm actually really happy to see you, but sometimes my body doesn't listen to me and I start crying out of nowhere—it's really stupid."

She wiped her face, embarrassed, laughing at how ridiculous she must look in the moment.

Tenten took her hand in hers.

"Don't worry about it," she reassured.

"Hmm... what else has happened?" Ruman pondered to herself. "Neji carried me back from the lake when I did something dumb in the middle of the night and I totally ignored him for it. Oh he also watched me cry in front of him and just sat there awkwardly, not knowing what to do."

Ruman giggled remembering how uncomfortable Neji must have been when she broke down in front of him.

"Poor guy," she said before continuing. "Shikamaru wrapped my arm up for me, and Naruto told me about deciphering Jiraiya-sama's message, and going away to train for a bit. Let's see... am I missing anything?"

Tenten just sat patiently as Ruman went over her train of thought.

"Oh!" she remembered. "I think I turned Sai's world upside down because I hugged him out of nowhere; I swear, I think he really is just a rock disguised as a human."

Tenten laughed.

"Why'd you hug him and put the poor guy through that?" she chuckled.

"He looked a little guilty seeing me wounded," Ruman explained. "I think he doesn't really understand why I'd risk my life to save him, so I had to give him the whole spiel about friendship and how that's what friends do and whatnot."

"Wow, you're really changing people here," Tenten mused.

"What do you mean?" Ruman cocked her head, confused.

"Didn't Neji used to be a rock too before you two got closer?" Tenten reminded, obviously amused. "If you hadn't chewed him out that time we were training, I don't think he would've understood what it meant to consider other people's feelings."

"Ah," Ruman remembered.

"Honestly, I think that was his turning point," Tenten declared. "He's nicer to me and Lee now too, and I think it's because of you."

"It's good for him then," Ruman cajoled. "At least I'm doing _something_ with my life."

"No, seriously," Tenten continued. "Shikamaru wrapping up your arm for you? Never heard of that before—I'd be surprised if his lazy ass can even get up to find the first aid kit."

Ruman howled at Tenten's ruthless statement, covering her mouth at Tenten's merciless commentary on the boys.

"And from the sound of it, at this rate I think Sai might actually have a chance at growing a heart and learning what compassion is because of you," she announced. "Don't underestimate yourself Ruman, just because you're stuck in a hospital bed doesn't mean you don't have a huge impact on people."

Ruman's jaw dropped at Tenten's comment, as it was the first time she'd heard someone compliment her like that out loud.

And for a second, Ruman might have started to believe it. Might have started to feel a little less useless.

"Thanks Tenten," she looked away modestly, slightly embarrassed.

She didn't deserve such praise from someone.

"I'm serious, Ruman," Tenten articulated. "Don't doubt yourself."

"You're gonna make me cry again," Ruman complained, punching Tenten in the arm.

"It's because I love you," Tenten beamed at her.

Ruman's heart could burst from joy in the moment.

She had never been so thankful to have such incredible friends in her life, by her side.

Tenten paused, deep in thought, eyes fixated on the wilting roses Neji must have brought Ruman a few days ago.

_So that's why he was buying flowers._

"Ruman," Tenten began seriously.

"Hm?"

"Do you like Neji?" Tenten asked cautiously.

"Of course I do!" Ruman trilled. "He's one of my closest friends, as are you—I adore you both."

Tenten rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean," she remarked, as Ruman blinked innocently through her short eyelashes. Tenten could have sworn she saw a coy smile dancing in Ruman's soft brown eyes, teasing her, through the wispy black bangs that rested just above them.

Refusing to give in, Ruman pouted, "No I don't."

Tenten rested her chin in her hands and propped herself with her elbows on Ruman's bed, leaning in closer to her.

Ruman recoiled ever so slightly, smiling nervously, a sweat beat forming just above her brow.

"I mean," Tenten breathed. "Do you have feelings for him?"

Ruman did her very, very best, to act unfazed by the question.

But nothing could help the bright red flush that overcame Ruman's cheeks.

She couldn't believe someone was actually asking this question right now.

"Seriously," Ruman claimed. "I don't. We're just really good friends."

Tenten stared at Ruman long and hard, searching her eyes for an honest answer.

She finally gave in.

"Fine," Tenten huffed, giving Ruman back her space.

Ruman exhaled a breath of relief.

She took the glass of water beside her bed and chugged it—why did she suddenly feel so parched?

"Neji has feelings for you though."

Ruman didn't mean to do what happened next.

Water sprayed all over Tenten's hair and face, rendering her speechless.

Ruman coughed and gagged at the water that she'd choked on at Tenten's sudden words, not daring to look at her.

When Ruman finally mustered up the courage to look back up, Tenten was—as a result of sitting within Ruman's range of fire—covered in her spit and water that had sprayed all over the perfect, neat hair Ruman was just admiring a few minutes ago.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, taking a face towel off her bedside table and patting Tenten's wet cheeks with it while Tenten glared at her through her damp eyelashes.

"No, but really, I doubt it," Ruman said, responding to Tenten's earlier comment. "Neji and I are just really good friends."

"He brings you freaking flowers, Ruman," Tenten rolled her eyes again. "And not just any flowers—he literally brings you roses because he knows you like them. I'm not a flower specialist like Ino, but if that's not the universal symbol for 'I love you and I want to marry you' I don't know what is."

Ruman almost choked on her saliva again at Tenten's comment.

"I know I know, the rose meaning is a bit ambiguous," Ruman admitted, wiping the water offher chin. "But they're just my favorite flowers, and Neji's just being nice—I'm kind of going through a traumatic experience here."

"Other people might just 'be nice,' Ruman," Tenten refuted. "But this is Hyūga Neji we're talking about; the Hyūga Neji who doesn't give a damn if you're having a hard day or a hard life, but will still scold you if you're not doing your job right."

Ruman was silent.

"Well I don't think so," she retorted stubbornly, standing by her belief.

Tenten sighed.

"I'm his _teammate_, Ruman," Tenten pointed out. "I can spend anywhere between one to twenty four hours with him, don't you think I'd be able to tell if he had feelings for a girl?"

"I can't really imagine Neji having feelings for _me_ though," Ruman insisted. "I literally have nothing to offer—Neji deserves better."

"Don't say something like that!" Tenten chided. "Stop always being so harsh on yourself—anyone would literally be the luckiest person alive to have you."

"Oh stop it, you," Ruman laughed, brushing Tenten's comment right off.

"He carried you home from the lake, always brings you fresh roses and food, and takes time out of his day to sit here with you and keep you company despite being a highly demanded Jōnin by employers," Tenten went on. "It doesn't matter how foul his expression is or how terrible of a day he's had, if he sees you or if you go to cheer him up, I can guarantee you he'll turn into all smiles, even if he denies it."

"I thought that's just what friends do," Ruman pondered, still in disbelief that they were having this conversation right now.

Tenten sighed exasperatedly.

"Think what you want," she said, throwing her hands in the air. "But at least keep in mind what I said and mull it over once in awhile, so you're not totally oblivious, will you?"

"Okay, okay."

While Ruman still didn't really believe Tenten, as she tended to make a big fuss out of small matters sometimes, she did think it was interesting how people could think that way.

_I guess it's not surprising, considering we are really close._

Well, not like it mattered what other people thought. As long as Ruman and Neji knew where their relationship was, it didn't matter if people mistook it as romance.

"Even if it was true," Ruman began quietly, catching Tenten off guard. "I don't think I have space in my heart for him."

Tenten frowned.

_She can't possibly be still caught up over Sasuke_, Tenten thought to herself. _I heard with my very own ears from Sakura and Naruto that Ruman doesn't remember him at all_.

"Why not?" she asked, playing along. "Do you already like someone?"

"No no no," Ruman quickly exclaimed, waving her hands around. "I can't put my finger on why, it's not like I like someone else, I just don't feel like there's room in my heart to love someone right now. Maybe I'm too busy being sad."

Ruman chuckled nervously.

Tenten didn't say anything, waiting for Ruman to continue.

"If someone loves me, they'll only be disappointed," Ruman laughed jokingly.

Her laugh seemed a bit empty to Tenten. Maybe a bit sad, even. Or she was just imagining it.

Tenten sighed, possibly for the billionth time that day.

"Alright, alright, enough about Neji," Tenten gave in, dropping the subject. "Can you feel the buzzing in the air lately? Everyone's preparing for something huge."

"Yeah!" Ruman chimed in urgently. "I can feel everyone bustling around, and I can feel the village growing tense all the way from my solitary little hospital room; it makes a bit nervous, to be honest, after what Naruto said about Jiraiya-sama."

"I know," Tenten agreed. "It is a bit nerve-racking, so I have to get my act together and start training harder too, in case something happens."

Ruman just nodded her head.

Eyes grazing over the clock on the wall, Tenten jumped up, blurting, "Oh my gosh! It's so late already, I'm going to be late to practice!"

"Well what are you waiting for?" Ruman teased as Tenten scrambled to clean up the plates and basket from their little meal. "Get a move on, you old lady!"

"I can't be late," Tenten whined. "Gai-sensei is really going crazy with training with Lee right now, and it's always hard for me to keep up—thank goodness Neji is on a mission and not here to yell at me."

Ruman grinned.

"Yeah, he just left earlier after coming to see me," Ruman affirmed. "You literally came, like, half an hour after he left, so I was thinking about how interesting the timing between you two is—maybe it's a teammate thing."

"I'm telling you," Tenten called knowingly as she made her way to the door. "He probably loves you~"

"Get out," Ruman hollered in response, throwing her pillow at Tenten, who was fast enough to slide the door close before the pillow hit her.

Ruman saw Tenten stick her tongue out at her through the glass of the door, and just smiled and waved, shooing her away.

In the quietness of her own room, Ruman sat on her bed, fanning herself. She'd gotten rather warm during all her banter with Tenten, and choking on water, coughing relentlessly.

Her heart sped up just the slightest thinking of the possibility of someone actually having feelings for her, before shaking the thoughts away.

It just wasn't possible.

And Neji deserved someone better than her.

Ruman knew she was hard to love, and wouldn't want to impose that burden onto anyone she cared about. Anyone like Neji.

She prayed what Tenten said wasn't true.

Ruman stared at the vase of slowly wilting roses beside her bed, as a dark red petal just barely hung on by a thread.

She held out her hand and watched it slowly fall into her palm.

_I'm sorry Neji_, she thought. _Even if you did love me, I can't let that happen_.

Ruman's mind floated to an image of Neji, as she pictured his expression should he find out what Tenten and her talked about that afternoon.

A look of annoyance would spread across his face, but he would flush a bright shade of red too. Neji doesn't get embarrassed easily, but when he does, it's a golden moment.

_How silly of me_, Ruman thought. _Thinking any of this would be anything more than a few jokes between me and Tenten_.

She sighed happily and slipped into her sheets, thinking about what she should do with the rest of her day. Her heart felt much lighter after seeing Tenten, and she took that moment to appreciate her friendships so much.

_I hope Neji is staying warm on his way to his mission_, she thought.

* * *

Somewhere in the forest, Neji ran, hoping to arrive at his destination before midnight, and sneezed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I was really crunching to get this chapter out, so here it is! Admittedly, I haven't been sleeping much lately, but I'm still doing my best to do weekly weekend chapters, and I'm preparing for a Thanksgiving special chapter for you guys ;) Keep your eyes peeled!
> 
> Some questions for you guys: How do you feel about Ruman's relationships with the characters right now? Who do you like? Who do you want to see more of? How do you feel about the romantic relationships in the story? Importantly, HOW DO YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT NSFW WRITING?? I've gotten a few messages about them (but no comments?? Come on guys D:) but wanted to know what other people thought haha.
> 
> Anyway, leave me comments! I love reading them, and also stay tuned for a Thanksgiving special! You'll get to see more of a certain someone ;) See you all soon!


	10. Love Drunk (Thanksgiving Special)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Special chapter I originally wrote for Thanksgiving!
> 
> Sasuke reminisces on the days he spent with Ruman when he was young, before coming to terms with the love he's lost forever.
> 
> Chapter song: "Don't Wake Me Up" by Chris Brown
> 
> "Dearly beloved—if this love only exists in my dreams, don't wake me up."
> 
> "If I wake and you're here still, give me a kiss—I wasn't finished dreaming about your lips."
> 
> "I don't want to fall unless I'm falling for you."

A gust of cold, autumn wind blew through the forest Sasuke stood in, sweeping the leaves off the ground and up into the air. They twirled in circles, dancing around him.

With one swift move, he slid his sword back into its sheath effortlessly.

His onyx irises scanned the clearing before him; it was covered in the leaves he'd sliced in half with his blade—a regular practice routine of his for precision and control over his sword.

The grey clouds hung low above the tall, skinny trees, casting a slight shadow over the forest.

The breeze picked up Sasuke's hair as it cupped his face, tickling his cheeks.

An owl landed on a nearby branch, staring at Sasuke with its bright, round eyes.

_Hoot._

_Hoot._

The owl cocked its head and hooted at Sasuke, refusing to look away.

"What do you want?" Sasuke asked it emotionlessly, shooting a leaf in its direction to scare it away.

The owl flinched at the sharp leaf headed its way, but didn't budge.

_Hoot._

_Hoot._

Sasuke stood still, watching the strange bird, lost in thought and washed over by a wave of memories.

* * *

_"Sasuke, it likes you!" Naruto's laugh roared, holding his stomach with tears streaming down his face._

_Sitting on the outside of the restaurant booth, Sasuke irritatedly swatted at the owl perched on his shoulder, but it was as if its little talons were glued to the fabric of Sasuke's blue shirt._

_Watching Sasuke's futile attempts at scaring the bird away sent Naruto over the roof, as he banged the table and keeled over, still laughing._

_Sakura, sitting next to the wall at the very inside of the booth, just giggled to herself at how cute Sasuke looked, struggling against the bird beside her._

_A large vein throbbed on Sasuke's forehead as he threatened the owl, "I could kill you and feed you to the dogs right now."_

_"Now now, Sasuke," Kakashi interrupted, blatantly amused. "Owls are birds of wisdom, I wouldn't disrespect it in such a way if I were you."_

_"Like I care," Sasuke retorted at his sensei sitting across from him._

_However, after a few minutes, he'd given up and simply accepted his fate that Team 7 would be accompanied by a flying member for the rest of their dinner that night._

_Kakashi had proposed a team dinner the week following the Zabuza and Haku mission to lighten up the mood, and also to celebrate the first high-ranked mission they completed together as Genin._

_"It's important to remember to be thankful for each other from time to time," Kakashi had announced a little too cheerfully at the time._

_"I'm thankful for Sakura," Naruto swooned, only to receive an annoyed slap from Sakura._

_"Well, I'm always thankful for Sasuke," she had then murmured shyly, batting her eyelashes at the raven-haired boy standing with his hands in his pockets._

_"I'm thankful for any opportunity Kakashi-sensei treats us to dinner!" Ruman had chirped, disregarding her teammates' comments. "Because he's not going to make us pay, riiiiight?"_

_Kakashi had laughed nervously at the time before ruffling Ruman's hair and responding, "Of course!"_

_The previously uninterested Sasuke had smirked a little bit at this, confirming that he would be there later in the night._

_Now they sat together at a booth inside the new udon restaurant, with no sight of Ruman._

_"Let's just wait a little longer before ordering," Kakashi urged patiently, obviously in no hurry to eat._

_"Ruman-chaaaan," Naruto whined into the air, hands on his stomach. "I'm so hungry already, where are you?"_

_As Naruto flailed himself comically against the table, Sakura tried to make small talk with Sasuke, who was definitely not as invested in the conversation as the owl still obnoxiously perched on his shoulder._

_A waitress made her way over to their table and poured the three Genins a glass of water each, and filled up Kakashi's glass almost to the brim with a bottle of sake, completely oblivious to the creature attached to Sasuke._

_"Oh, I'm not drinking today," Kakashi yelped as she slid the glass closer to him._

_"Maybe you'll change your mind," she said with a wink, smiling through her red lips, perhaps a bit too provocatively._

_A sweat bead formed on Kakashi's forehead as he chuckled nervously, rubbing his neck._

_Once the waitress had waltzed away, hips swaying in her tight skirt, Kakashi shifted the glass of alcohol away from him to the edge of the table._

_Suddenly, the owl that had stuck itself on Sasuke's shoulder immediately released him and flew away, flapping its wings._

_"Hey look, it's gone!" Naruto exclaimed as he stood up and pointed at the bird flying away._

_"About time," Sasuke muttered, brushing himself of the feathers that had fallen onto his clothing._

_As if on cue, Ruman burst into the restaurant, hurriedly shuffling to their table._

_"Sorry I'm late!" she huffed, lips dry and pale from running outside in the cold air._

_Throat parched, she rapidly grabbed the glass at the edge of the table and chugged the entire cup of clear liquid._

_Naruto's eyes went white as the sweat bead on Kakashi's forehead slid further down his face; Sakura and Sasuke could only watch in shock as they paled, everyone's jaws open._

_After finishing the last drop, Ruman slammed the glass back onto the table._

_"Oh my god."_

_No one said a thing._

_She grimaced._

_"That wasn't water, huh."_

_Her three teammates and her sensei shook their heads quietly._

_"Ha... ha..." she laughed nervously, wiping her mouth._

_"I'll be fine!" she reassured, looking for a spot to sit down._

_Sasuke scooted towards Sakura to make room for Ruman as Sakura turned a bright shade of red._

_Ruman plopped herself down next to Sasuke and emphasized to her sensei, "I'll be fine."_

_"Whatever you say," he chuckled._

_"Why were you so late, Ruman?" Naruto complained. "It's already been half an hour."_

_"Oh, shut up," she snapped. "I'm only fifteen minutes late—but it is my fault; I was training by myself earlier and got distracted because there was this bird that wouldn't leave me alone. It was quite funny actually."_

_"Oh really?!" Naruto hooted, on the verge of losing it again, glancing at Sasuke._

_Ruman was confused at his reaction, but couldn't be bothered to ask._

_The rest of the dinner had gone rather well; the five ninja placed their udon orders and talked over the mission, and plans for the future._

_Ruman never showed any signs of being intoxicated throughout the whole meal, taking Kakashi by surprise._

She's not too petite like Sakura, so maybe she can just really hold her liquor?_ he thought._

_As they wrapped up their dinner and Kakashi paid the bill (ignoring the numerous waitresses stealing obvious glances at him), he announced that he still had some business matters and paperwork to take care of._

_"I'll be off first then!" he called, leaving his students standing in front of the busy restaurant._

_Its bright lights made the cozy building appear to be glowing in the dimness of the streets._

_"I guess we should go too then," Naruto chimed eagerly. "Sakura-chan, I'll walk you back since we live in the same direction!"_

_Ignoring him, Sakura turned to Sasuke._

_"Sasuke-kun, do you want to come with us?" she invited warmly._

_"Ruman and I both live in the opposite direction," he stated flatly, turning away. "I'm going to go home and sleep."_

_"Let's go, Sakura-chan!" Naruto urged. "Forget about him—do you want to get dessert?"_

_"Shut up," Sakura snapped at him, giving in and turning away._

_"Hey, Sasuke!" Naruto hollered as he began to walk away. "You better make sure Ruman-chan gets home safe and don't do anything perverted or take advantage of her!"_

_Ruman's cheeks burnt up with heat as she retorted, "Naruto, what are you talking about?!"_

_"I could say the same to you with Sakura," Sasuke shot back, making Sakura blush a little, completely forgetting about him rejecting her offer earlier._

_"Sakura's not the one who just drank a whole glass of sake like an alcoholic without even blinking," Naruto pointed out._

_"I'm not an alcoholic!"_

_"Yeah, yeah," Sasuke waved, his back to Naruto and Sakura, still walking away._

_Naruto laughed at Ruman's exasperated expression before waving goodbye to her._

_"Get back safe!" Ruman called to Sakura before turning around to catch up to Sasuke, who was already a few dozen feet ahead of her._

_"Jeez, what's the rush?" she huffed, matching her pace with his._

_"I can't be around people for too long," Sasuke said simply, his usual demeanor returning._

_"Well you're with me, aren't you?" she smiled._

_"That's why I need to get back," he joked as Ruman punched him in the arm._

_They walked and exchanged a few words for a bit, the millions of bright stars keeping them company above them._

_"When do you think we'll be Jōnin, Sasuke?" she asked mindlessly, eyes fixed on the glimmering night sky._

_"Whenever we pass the exams," he shrugged._

_"I hope we all pass them together," she hummed, bangs tickling her forehead and her long, straight, black hair cascading down her back against the peach blossom designs of her kimono cardigan._

_"If Naruto can even make it that far," Sasuke jabbed nonchalantly._

_"You're terrible," she giggled. "What if we all lived together? Wouldn't that be fun? You, me, and Naruto all live alone anyway—we could totally be hanging out every day together, and Sakura could come too."_

_"I can't even stand being with that moron for five minutes, and you want to stick us together in a house?" Sasuke quipped._

_"That's true," she mused. "I can't keep playing peacemaker; sooner or later the house would probably burn down."_

_"Probably," Sasuke agreed casually, his lips hinting at a small smile._

_As the sky got darker and darker, it became harder and harder for Ruman to keep her balance. She's always had trouble functioning properly in the darkness—it was definitely something Kakashi-sensei made a point to tell her she had to work on, but she just didn't like training by herself at night._

_"Kakashi-sensei always says I have to improve my skills in the darkness, but I don't like being by myself at night," Ruman began. "Do you wanna train with me sometime?"_

_"What?" Sasuke cocked his head at her, confused. "What'd you say?"_

_"I said," she reiterated, annoyed that she had to repeat her sentence. "Kakasay Iyavto improve skillet dark but I dun liking by myzelf tight—"_

_Ruman's own voice caught herself off guard._

_Why weren't her words coming out the way she wanted them to?_

_"Kakashi-zen say haftoo—"_

_At this point, Sasuke had directed his full attention to Ruman, the slightest bit concerned, but also amused._

_"Are you okay?" he asked, watching her intently with his hands in his pockets._

_"Y-yeah!" she claimed, now nervous that Sasuke was so focused on her. She tossed her hair over her shoulders and walked towards him casually._

_"I'm fine—" she suddenly slipped and almost toppled over, but grabbed a hold of the wall beside her just in time._

_"I just have to, uh, take it slow," she blubbered. "Why can't I keep my balance...?"_

_Sasuke rolled his eyes._

_At this rate, it would take them forever to get home._

_"I'll be okay—"_

_Not giving her a chance to finish, Sasuke made his way towards her and picked her up in his arms in one swift movement, carrying her bridal style._

_"Oh my god!"_

_Ruman fidgeted and tried to get Sasuke to release her._

_For a second she felt completely sober._

_"Sasuke, I'm fine! Seriously," she disclaimed, frantic about the rising heat in her cheeks._

_"You can't talk, you can't walk, and it doesn't sound like you can quite think straight either—that doesn't sound like 'fine' to me," he commented coolly, already walking with her in his arms. "Plus I'm already carrying you, you might as well make it easier on me and cooperate; stop moving around so much."_

_This shut Ruman up._

_She felt so self-conscious about her weight in the moment—why did she eat so much udon earlier?_

_"Don't be skeptical about my strength, Ruman," Sasuke said, noticing her worry. "It's offensive."_

_"S-sorry," she stuttered, still in shock over the situation._

_"You can hold onto my neck if it makes you feel better about me carrying you," Sasuke said, never once losing his composure. "Then you won't keep slipping from my hands."_

_Obediently, Ruman wrapped her arms around Sasuke's neck and interlocked her clammy hands together._

_She couldn't believe this was happening right now._

_She prayed Sasuke wouldn't be able to feel her heart pounding against her chest, threatening to jump out at any moment._

_Sasuke walked with her in his arms in silence, as she didn't even dare look him in the eye._

I guess the sake was stronger than I thought.

_There was no fighting the alcohol, as much as she thought she could._

_Time seemed to freeze in the moment, but also pass too quickly, as Ruman wanted to savor what was happening._

I'm so lucky.

_She breathed in Sasuke's clean scent, her hands sweaty from nervousness._

_His steady breathing was like a lullaby to her in her intoxicated state._

_Why did she suddenly feel so tired? At a moment like this? When the boy she'd secretly loved for so long was carrying her home in his arms?_

_Nothing could stop Ruman's heavy eyelids from slowly closing._

I want to stay like this forever.

_Ruman's hands stopped interlocking around Sasuke's neck as one slowly slid down his shoulder, gently falling into her lap._

_Surprised, Sasuke looked down at her._

_She'd fallen asleep._

_Sasuke held back a smile at how stubborn Ruman always was, never accepting help, insisting she could handle things herself when she couldn't, and always denying her weak states._

At least when she's asleep she won't worry and object so much.

_There was no denying that it was ten times easier to carry Ruman when she wasn't awake—her body was relaxed rather than rigid, and the whole interaction just didn't feel as awkward._

_With an arm still slung around Sasuke's neck, Ruman's head rested softly against his shoulder, chest slowly moving up and down with every breath she took._

_His expression softened at the sight of her—so vulnerable, and so peaceful._

_Though he'd die before admitting it, Ruman and Team 7 was probably one of his only sources of what he knew as happiness. They made him feel a little less cold. A little more like there was more to life than he was seeing._

_He wondered how long they could stay like this._

_Ruman's plump lips parted slightly, taking in the fresh night air._

_She sniffled, before nestling her head deeper into Sasuke's chest._

_This time, he didn't suppress the smirk that played at his lips._

_Ruman would probably die if she saw herself like this._

_Upon reaching Ruman's single, modest house, Sasuke realized he had no keys or other means of entering._

_As he opened his mouth to wake her, he changed his mind, seeing how tired she looked._

_Sasuke sighed, and tried not to groan too loudly as he made his way up the tree in Ruman's backyard._

_A few large leaps were sufficient for his skills to reach her window, but he was still surprised at how deep she was in her slumber._

_Ruman slept like a baby in his arms._

And you say you have trouble sleeping at night..._, he thought to himself._

_Sliding open her window effortlessly with his back pressed against the glass, Sasuke stepped quietly into her room._

_It was surprisingly tidy—not as tidy as Sasuke's, of course, but tidy for someone who always joked about being a slob._

_Scanning the room, Sasuke took in the environment._

_Modest._

_That was the only way he could describe it._

_He realized that he'd never been inside Ruman's house before, despite walking home together so many times due to living in the same general direction._

_He wondered if she ever felt lonely too._

_Perhaps Sasuke never saw his living alone as lonely per se, but solitary. Peaceful. That was what he told himself._

_Realizing he'd been standing there in Ruman's room staring off into space, he made his way over to her bed and gently laid her down._

_She shifted her body slightly, groaning softly into her pillow._

_Sasuke reached his hand over and, as delicately as he could, slipped off her cardigan for her._

_Ruman was undoubtedly five times more cooperative in her sleep._

_Hanging the black piece of fabric with peach blossoms in her closet, Sasuke looked at the rest of Ruman's clothes, deciding it was best not to touch them._

_The white tank top she wore tucked into her black exercise pants hugged her skin, making every line, every curve of her body visible._

_She looked ethereal, almost, the way she lay in the moonlight cast over her bed beside her window._

_Her breasts moved in harmony with her chest, her breathing steady._

_Sasuke blinked and looked away, cheeks turning a soft shade of red._

_He walked over to her bed from the closet, taking a hold of her blanket._

_Ruman's eyes opened slightly, a hazy look behind them._

_"Sasuke?"_

_He stayed silent, just watching her._

_She smiled goofily at him as he relaxed, realizing she wasn't awake._

Jeez, this girl sleep talks too?

_"You know I like you right?" she murmured._

_Caught off guard, Sasuke's hand slipped as he almost fell face-first onto her mattress._

_They didn't have many interactions with alcohol, but the few times they did, usually at someone's party, it was often enough for Sasuke to gauge each of his teammates' drunk personalities._

_Naruto always went around picking fights with people, generally with Sasuke, and Sakura was always really touchy and clingy—also generally with Sasuke._

_Ruman never really drank, and Sasuke always held his liquor well._

_But now he knew._

I guess Ruman spreads love when she's drunk.

_He smiled to himself again—it was fitting for her, really. She always had a lot of love to give; how else could one explain her patience and affection towards Naruto when literally everyone else wanted to punch him in the face?_

_Sasuke went back to pulling her blanket covers over her._

_He shook his head and chuckled, "You like everyone, Ruman. Especially Naruto."_

_As if reading his thoughts, Ruman protested, words slurred together, "No, like, I really like you."_

_Entertained, Sasuke decided it wouldn't hurt to play along._

_He sat on her bed, looking down at her._

_"Oh, really? How?" he prompted, amused._

_"Like I'd give you the whole world if you asked but I'd never tell you because you're not allowed to know."_

_Sasuke froze._

_Time felt like it froze._

_After what felt like an eternity, he stood up, speechless._

_"Alright I got it," he replied quietly. "Go to sleep, Ruman."_

_But she didn't stop there._

_"I'd never tell you because I don't want to be a burden and I know you hate burdens," she babbled on. "Sakura, Ino, everyone... they all grew up in warm, loving homes that they can offer you—I can't compete with that. I have nothing."_

_What was this feeling in Sasuke's chest? Why did it feel so tight?_

_Ruman just smiled. Perhaps even a bit sadly._

_"I don't want to wake up from this moment," she murmured._

_Ruman reached her arm out to Sasuke, resting a hand gently on the nape of his neck._

_Slowly, her lips quivering, she began to pull him towards her ever-so-slightly._

_He made no effort to avoid her._

_Once their faces were inches apart, Sasuke's conscience commanded his hand to hold her wrist, stopping her._

_She was intoxicated, and she wasn't in her right mind._

_He couldn't do this—some man he'd be._

_"I can't even have you in a dream?" she whispered to herself, words barely audible._

_Sasuke couldn't tell if it was tears that made Ruman's eyes glassy, or if that was just the way they glimmered in the moonlight._

_"Whatever," she sighed in defeat, as Sasuke laid her head back down against her pillow with his hand, their faces close together once again._

_Why were the girls he knew all so insecure?_

_Ruman had so much to offer but never saw it with her own eyes—she was so loving, so warm, and so giving, yet was always crumbling beneath her own crushing sentiment of not being good enough for anyone or anything._

_He looked at her, taking in her facial features while she slept peacefully._

_The sweet smell of sake danced on her soft red lips, luring him in._

_Sasuke fought the urge that was digging at him inside._

_Their noses just barely touching, Sasuke's eyes grazed over her lips._

_Perhaps he could be selfish. Just this one time. Just this one night._

_Sasuke caved in._

_He closed his eyes and, with the utmost tenderness he could muster, pressed his lips gently against Ruman's._

_Her body moving in harmony, she took in Sasuke's breath._

_He stayed there for a few seconds before forcing himself to pull away._

_The soft taste of lychee on his lips teased him, taunting him to go back for more._

_Did he just kiss her?_

_What was the flaming desire and urge that tugged at his heart just now? Why couldn't he fight it?_

_Shocked with himself, Sasuke stood back up._

_Ruman snuggled up against her sheets as Sasuke pulled the blanket up to her chin._

_He never considered Ruman's outfits to be revealing, but suddenly he was afraid she'd get cold during the night if he'd just left her like that._

_Taking one final glance at her before turning around, Ruman's tranquil expression was the last thing Sasuke saw before hopping back out of her window, landing with a soft _thump!_ on the grass._

_It was time he headed home._

_She couldn't know what had just happened. Ever._

_The next day was a day of deceit for Sasuke, like his life depended on it._

_Ruman repeatedly heckled him to tell her what happened after she fell asleep in his arms, blushing even as she said those words._

_He'd convinced her that he put her on her bed, and left promptly._

_"Are you sure I just slept?" she pestered insecurely. "I do a lot of weird stuff when I sleep—I mumble and move my legs and wave my arms around and stuff. Are you sure I didn't do that or touch you weirdly or anything?"_

_"Yeah you could've at least thanked me after I carried you all the way home and put you to bed," Sasuke reckoned coolly. "But you just slept like a rock."_

_Ruman turned a bright shade of hot pink._

_"Sorry."_

_Thank goodness Ruman was so pure, innocent, and gullible, always believing what Sasuke told her. Perhaps because she never imagined he'd ever need to lie to her._

_But she couldn't know—Sasuke wasn't sure how she'd react, or how he'd even tell her._

_It was a secret he'd keep with himself for as long as he needed to._

* * *

Realizing he'd been standing in the clearing for much too long, Sasuke looked around at his dark surroundings.

_When did the sun set?_

Sasuke wondered what would have happened that year if he'd told Ruman that she'd confessed to him in her sleep, and that he'd kissed her in response.

She would probably have hyperventilated. Or punched him. Or fainted. Or all of the above.

For once, Sasuke smiled to himself, despite the aching in his chest that tugged at his heart.

He could admit, he would miss her.

The team that helped him grow, that helped him feel a little less alone—he would miss it.

But there was no turning back with the path he chose for himself.

This is the price he had to pay.

Sasuke wouldn't deserve happiness, or peace. That was not the path he was destined to walk.

He turned to head back to his hideout.

A storm was coming.

Sasuke looked up to the sky.

_Goodbye, Ruman._

An owl, perched on a nearby branch, hooted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAHHHHH!!! LET THE SASURUMAN SHIPS SAIL!! (sasuru?? Sasuruman?? Rusasu?? What is the ship name I don't even know) but HOW DO YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT THIS CHAPTER?? I worked so hard on it and have literally been planning it for ages and I thought Thanksgiving was the perfect opportunity to gift it to you guys :'D
> 
> I know not everyone celebrates Thanksgiving, but in case you do, Happy Thanksgiving!! Remember to be thankful for all that you have, as you should every day~
> 
> After reading this chapter, how do you guys feel about Sasuke? What about Sasuke x Ruman?? Or do you still want her to be with someone else?
> 
> Hehehe please leave me comments on this chapter! I was SO incredibly excited to publish the chapter so it would mean a lot if you guys could leave me some thoughts :') Thank you so much for the support as always!!


	11. Lose Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Warning: Chapter contains sensitive material! Please read at your own discretion.]
> 
> An accident with Karin reminds Sasuke of an unforgettable memory he had of Ruman. He wonders if he would ever get answers from that day, but remembers that he'll most likely never know anything about her again.
> 
> Chapter song: "You Found Me" by Kelly Clarkson
> 
> "I've become comfortably numb until you opened up my eyes to what it's like—when everything's alright."
> 
> "You found me when no one else was looking—how did you know just where I would be?"

Sasuke swiftly made his way back to Taka's hideout, which Madara frequently visited to make sure everything was in check.

After training and reminiscing on his memories from years ago with Ruman, the clouds had turned dark and somber, as if the sky mourned her death too.

The collar of Sasuke's white, open-chested shirt flared up against his neck with the strong wind, while his dark, raven hair blew roughly against his face.

Arriving at the dim cave where his team stayed, Sasuke brushed aside the vines hanging over the mouth of the opening and ducked his head inside.

As he walked further into the cavern, the pitch black surroundings began to subside with the warmth of the candles Karin always lit to brighten up the den.

"Sasuke!" Karin gushed at the sight of the rogue ninja, running over to his side. "What took you so long? You shouldn't be out for so long when you're a wanted criminal... I was started to get worried since you don't usually need to train for a very long time—"

"And why would you need to worry about me?" he taunted coldly in response to her uptight prodding.

Karin immediately clamped her mouth shut.

"I just—" she began, stopping as Sasuke shot her an icy stare.

Karin wanted Sasuke. She really did.

But he always managed to intrigue, as well as terrify her, at the same time.

"You did come back later than usual," Suigetsu shrugged, speaking up for Karin as she threw him an annoyed look that said _I don't need your help_.

Ignoring him, Sasuke turned around coolly to head back to his room.

"Has Madara stopped by?" he asked without looking at them.

"Haven't seen him," Suigetsu responded, returning to wiping his blade.

Sasuke grunted and began walking away.

"Sasuke, wait—" Karin sputtered, stumbling in front of him.

She hastily took a tray off the neighboring table, laid with a bowl of rice and some meat.

"You should eat," she said, hands unsteadily gripping the tray.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at her, ready to leave her behind as he had no appetite.

But he noticed what appeared to be a rather large gash with some mild bruising peeking out from below her long, black sleeve.

He suddenly grabbed her wrist roughly, startling her, causing Karin to instantaneously drop the tray of food. The ceramic bowl shattered against the cold, hard ground as its sound travelled loudly throughout the entire cave.

Jugo immediately stood up apprehensively, and Suigetsu looked back up as well.

"What happened?" Sasuke interrogated Karin seriously, still having a strong hold on her wrist, glancing down at it.

"N-nothing," she trembled, smiling nervously and trying to pull her sleeve over her arm to hide the injury.

"She hurt herself trying to get the meat that she cooked for you," Suigetsu said with an edge in his voice—one that warned Sasuke not to overstep his boundaries. "The one you just spilled all over the floor."

Studying her carefully while Karin was too afraid to meet his eye, Sasuke clutched Karin's arm and yanked her along with him to his room.

Karin turned a bright shade of red while her heart rate sped up.

_Am I finally going to get some alone time with Sasuke?_ she thought excitedly.

"He's so fucking weird," Suigetsu muttered to Jugo, as Jugo just sat back down, also confused at what was happening.

Once Sasuke approached his room at the deepest end of the cave, he finally let go of Karin's arm and closed the door behind them.

"Sit."

Karin followed obediently and strategically plopped herself down on his tidy bed, fixing her bright red hair carefully.

She looked around his room curiously, since she usually was never allowed inside.

It was dark, but meticulously organized. The simplicity of the room reflected Sasuke's straightforward lifestyle, and Karin wondered how he had the time to clean his room if he was always training.

Or maybe his room was just never dirty—unlike Suitgetsu's and Jugo's.

Sasuke retrieved a box of medical supplies from the cabinet in the corner of his room, and made his way towards Karin, who waited for him eagerly.

"Sasuke-kun..." she murmured, batting her dark, long eyelashes at him sitting down beside her.

Ignoring her, Sasuke swiftly pulled out the roll of white bandages from the box and began unravelling them.

"Pull up your sleeve," he ordered.

Karin did as she said, never taking her eyes off him.

"I'm swooning," Karin flirted, taking another chance at Sasuke noticing her.

Still no response.

Sasuke may act cold to her, but there was no escaping Karin's sharp senses, as she felt his usual, cold chakra grow slightly warmer.

"You need to be more careful if you want to heal me," Sasuke warned emotionlessly, pushing her sleeve further up her arm. "How am I supposed to trust you if you can't even take care of yourself?"

"I'm touched that you care so much," Karin giggled, pushing her dark-rimmed glasses up her nose with her free hand.

She bit her lip as she watched Sasuke concentrate on wrapping up her arm. His dark eyes had never looked so alluring, and his smooth, black hair had never looked so welcoming to her touch.

But Sasuke's mind was elsewhere.

Thoughts fresh with flashbacks of Ruman, the sight of Karin's arm had triggered a rather distinct memory within Sasuke.

His eyes took in the deep bite-marks and scars he'd left on Karin's arm the whole time she's been with him; some had faded with time, some were purple, and some still had dried blood around them.

The smell of blood, though faint, made his nose tingle.

He'd always had a rather acute nose.

As Sasuke skillfully wrapped the smooth white bandage around Karin's arm, he couldn't stop his mind from wandering.

When he was younger, there were things about Ruman that piqued his interest.

She was always one to wear her heart on her sleeve—especially with friends and people she cared about—but Sasuke always felt like there was more to her that he wasn't seeing.

There were secrets about her that he wondered if he'd ever know, but always reasoned with it by reminding himself that there were secrets about him that he'd never let anyone else know.

But that day in spring, all those years ago, was different.

Perhaps, out of a mix of concern and curiosity, Sasuke couldn't let go of what he subconsciously already knew the answer to.

Ruman was always so predictable, yet unpredictable.

* * *

_Sasuke irritatedly made his way to Ruman's house._

_Why were they being given another mission after just returning from one?_

_It was probably going to be another unimportant, boring one—or worse, a cat-chasing one._

_Those were the consequences of being Genin._

_Ino had just invited everyone to a large luncheon at a restaurant a few hours ago, and Sasuke was surprised to hear Ruman didn't go either._

_It was normal for Sasuke to opt out of these social events, as he disliked being around too many people for too long, and disliked loud, crowded places._

_But Ruman was different from him._

_Ruman adored her friends like none other, and would always make time for them, but Sasuke also noticed by now that she would get waves of isolation once in awhile._

_He always just took it as her needing some space and time alone to recover, so it was rather unfortunate that he was being sent to retrieve her for another mission briefing._

_At least Sasuke was being sent to retrieve Ruman, and not to retrieve Naruto. It usually worked out this way because Sasuke and Ruman both lived in the same general area of the village, and Sakura lived a little bit closer to Naruto than either of them did._

_Ruman was constantly sleeping, and Naruto was a pain to get to do any sort of work, so Sasuke really couldn't complain about being given the task of retrieving Ruman._

_At least she was cooperative._

_Admittedly, Sakura got the short end of the stick, being stuck with waking Naruto up, dragging him out of his house, or even running through the whole village (and beyond) just to get a hold of him._

_At least Ruman didn't leave her house. Usually._

_Before Sasuke knew it, he'd arrived upon Ruman's familiar looking house._

_It was a tan, faded beige color, with dark brown accents on the roof, balconies, and windows._

_He made his way up her short, wooden steps and knocked briskly on the door._

_No response._

_He knocked again, louder this time._

_Still nothing._

_Sasuke backtracked and went around the house, into her tiny, unkept backyard. The weeds were starting to get obnoxiously long—almost reaching Sasuke's waist, and some of them were turning brown and yellow in color._

_This girl..._

_Sasuke looked up at Ruman's window facing her backyard._

_Her blinds were drawn open, meaning she was awake, and at home._

_Ruman was easily a lazy person—though not as bad as Shikamaru—and always napped with her window curtains drawn. She liked sleeping in the dark, and she wouldn't leave them open when she wasn't at home either—Ruman was always complaining about being scared of intruders._

_It was funny how many things Sasuke had picked up on Ruman over their time spent together, even if it was just the occasional summoning for missions._

_Sasuke looked around the dirt ground for a good sized rock—he settled for a pebble, as Ruman would probably lose it if he broke her window with an actual rock._

_He aimed it at the window frame, avoiding the glass, just in case he were to break it._

_Throwing it ever so nimbly, Sasuke's pebble struck the window frame perfectly in the middle, where the vertical and horizontal frames intersected._

_A split second later, Ruman was at the window, looking out at him._

_He couldn't make out her face through the tinted glass, but gestured for her to come downstairs and get the door._

_She disappeared as quickly as she'd come, as Sasuke returned back to the front of the house, waiting for the door to open._

_He heard her uneven footsteps approach the door—they sounded more unsteady and hasty than usual._

_Sasuke stood, waiting and ready._

_The door finally opened, revealing the familiar, black-haired girl Sasuke knew behind it._

_She peeked her head out at him._

_"We have another mission—" Sasuke began, glancing up from the ground._

_He stopped once he fully laid his eyes on her._

_She looked rather worn out._

_The subtle makeup she always wore on her eyes was smudged, and the bags beneath her eyes were undoubtedly prominent._

_Her signature, soft cherry lips were pale in color._

_"Already?" she asked curiously, perking her head up. "Didn't we just get back from one, like, a few hours ago?"_

_Ruman's voice didn't give her away—if Sasuke didn't know any better, he'd think she was fine._

_But he couldn't ignore her slightly red, puffy eyes._

_She'd been crying._

_Deciding it best not to ask, Sasuke chose to pretend not to notice._

_"Why, you're not ready?" Sasuke questioned coolly._

_He cocked his head to the right to look past her into her house._

_"What were you doing earlier?" he asked._

_Ruman finally stepped out from behind the door, one hand on the door handle, the other behind her back._

_"Nothing," she sighed. "Not like I'd be doing anything important."_

_They stood there for a few moments._

_"Well, are you gonna make me stand out here and wait?" Sasuke asked sarcastically, breaking the silence. "Kakashi-sensei is probably expecting us soon."_

_"Shit, sorry," Ruman apologized, snapping out of her dazed state. "Can you wait out here for a minute? I just have to clean myself up a bit and I'll be ready."_

_"Fine," Sasuke grunted. "Make it quick or I'm leaving without you."_

_"Thanks," Ruman smiled sheepishly, turning to go back inside._

_As Sasuke was about to walk back down the steps, his nose picked up a familiar, unmistakable scent of iron._

_"Ruman."_

_Ruman turned back around, glancing at him curiously._

_"Yeah?"_

_Sasuke's eyes narrowed ever so slightly, but he asked as casually as he could, "Are you hurt anywhere?"_

_The corners of her dry lips cracked upwards into a smile._

_"No? Why would I be hurt anywhere?" she laughed tiredly._

_Her smile reached her eyes effortlessly—maybe she wasn't lying._

_But Sasuke recognized the smell of blood when he smelled it._

_After being trained from childhood to have sharp senses, nothing could fool his sharp nose._

_"Whatever you say."_

_Ruman, once again, turned around to close the door behind her._

_Right as she walked away, there was no denying what Sasuke saw._

_A tiny droplet of blood landing on the hard, wooden floorboard right behind Ruman's back, where she hid her arm._

_Even out of the corner of his eye, Sasuke distinctly saw the red droplet trickle down and land onto the floor beside Ruman's foot._

_Slightly disturbed, Sasuke told himself to not worry about it._

_Ruman was her own person—she could deal with her own matters._

_If she said she was okay, then she was._

_Regardless, Sasuke still couldn't shake the uneasy feeling tugging at his subconscious, but even if he did want to help, he wouldn't know how to bring it up._

_As he leaned against Ruman's stairwell railing, waiting for her, a small bird fluttered over and perched itself on Sasuke's shoulder._

_"What do you want?" he grumbled mindlessly at it._

_The small creature flapped its wings and flew away at the sound of Ruman's door handle turning._

_And just like that, she appeared before Sasuke's eyes, looking more refreshed than ever._

_Her makeup, though subtle, had been retouched, and her hair had been combed through._

_The sparkle returned in her eyes as she grinned at him in the same naive, sweet way she always did._

_"Ready?"_

_"About time," Sasuke retorted, sticking his hands into the pockets of his white shorts._

_"I didn't even take that long," she complained. "Calm down, jeez."_

_Sasuke just tilted his head back and began to walk with his careless demeanor, as he always did._

_He noticed a fresh new bandage wrapped around Ruman's left wrist._

_Meanwhile, Ruman wondered if Sasuke had taken note of her wound._

_She knew he was the type to keep quiet about these things, especially since he was much more of an observer._

_Amidst her pain and anger, she lost control of herself sometimes._

_She only really remembered crying her heart out, and feeling compelled to bring harm to her own skin._

_Her face had gone numb with the tears that streamed down them, and she only remembered the droplets of a scarlet, red color appearing along her wrist as she dug a blade into it._

_She lost herself._

_That was, until the sharp rap on her window that caught her by surprise._

_She'd never felt so relieved and happy to see someone in her backyard._

_Sasuke, who never so much knew the slightest bit of what she was hiding, had brought her back down to Earth, out of her own head._

_He grounded her._

_The sight of him made everything seem so much more real, as she snapped out of her dangerous state of mind._

_What was she doing?_

_Why was she hurting herself?_

_She didn't deserve this._

_She knew better._

_The Uchiha who stood outside her house, waiting for her to open the door so they could go on a mission together, saved her—without even knowing it._

* * *

"Sasuke?" Karin's voice took Sasuke by surprise as he snapped back to reality.

Today was an oddly sentimental day for him.

_Why am I getting so distracted by my thoughts?_

He didn't even know how long he'd been staring at Karin's arm after bandaging it up for her.

"Be more careful next time," he articulated, letting go of her arm.

Karin blushed and scooted closer to him on the bed, resting her head on his shoulder.

She rubbed his arm, and her hand traveled from his forearm to his hand as she tried to interlock their fingers.

"Now get out," Sasuke hissed suddenly.

Karin recoiled in surprise.

"What? Why—"

"Now," he snarled.

"Hmph," Karin huffed, reluctantly getting up from his bed and storming out of the room.

She could never fully read him.

* * *

In her hospital bed, Ruman sat in the moonlight, unable to sleep again.

Her bandages looked old.

She should probably replace them.

She unraveled the white cloth to reveal her scarred arm.

Ruman gently traced her finger across the scars stacked above each other like lines, and wondered why she couldn't remember how she obtained the third scar.

Why was it so much shorter?

What stopped her?

Ruman felt a soft aching in her chest, like an invisible force tugging at her heart.

She placed her hand above her breast, feeling her faint heart beat with the ticking of the clock on the wall.

_Why do I feel this way?_

A bird perched itself on her windowsill and chirped.

Ruman directed her attention towards it.

"Hey little guy," she grinned, reaching a hand out. "Are you here to keep me company tonight?"

It chirped again, then fluttered away as quickly as it'd come.

Ruman sighed.

_Looks like it'll be another restless night with me, myself, and I._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO LOVELY READERS!
> 
> I cannot even begin to apologize for being absent for so long—as many of you know I'm also a struggling university student who has exams roll around, and I've pulled so many all nighters studying that it's slowly deteriorating my health :( Regardless, I'm finally on holiday now and making it a goal to write more chapters so I can post consistently even when school starts again!
> 
> I was supposed to post a chapter per week, so I could space them out evenly and give you guys another special chapter for Christmas, but at this rate I don't know if I can without them being too close together OTL What do you guys think? Would you guys still like to read it?
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think! How do you feel about the story so far? Sorry it's moving a bit slowly, I have some pretty intense arcs coming up planned so you better BRACE YOURSELVES! Things get a little whack.
> 
> Please leave me comments! They make writing feel a lot more interactive (so I don't feel like I'm just talking to myself, haha) and really motivate me to write more :') HOPE YOU GUYS ARE ENJOYING THE STORY SO FAR AND I LOVE YOU ALL!


	12. Unrequited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenten hints at someone's romantic feelings towards Ruman. Can she reciprocate them?
> 
> Chapter song: "Sorry" by Halsey
> 
> "So I'm sorry to my unknown lover, sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me."
> 
> "And so it seems I broke your heart—my ignorance has struck again; I failed to see it from the start, and tore you open 'til the end."
> 
> "Someone will love you, but someone isn't me."

"Two hundred! Two hundred and one! Two hundred and two!" Lee's voice rang through the grassy clearing with fiery passion.

Tenten and Neji did their pushups silently alongside the enthusiastic boy as their sensei did his own push ups in a handstand a few dozen meters away.

Lee had begun to break a sweat at this point, and Tenten could see the concentration burning in his eyes as his muscles flexed through his green jumpsuit.

She directed her attention to Neji, who diligently pushed his body back up from the ground at a constant rate, never slowing down.

Neji always brought his chest as close to the grass as possible, while Tenten tended to struggle with going all the way down.

Usually, Tenten would be fretting over feeling inferior to the two boys in her team, but not today.

Today, something else was on her mind.

"Neji," Tenten huffed, after pushing herself back up from her one hundredth push up.

Neji turned his head to her in surprise, without slowing down his pace.

Tenten didn't usually talk during their training—not during push ups, at least.

"I have a question for you," she continued.

"I'm listening," he responded coolly, turning his head back towards the grass as he resumed his push ups.

Tenten kept herself propped up with her hands.

The thing about her and Ruman was that they were both stubborn.

They never really argued, since neither one cared to jeopardize their friendship over trivial matters, but neither of them were ever fully convinced either if they stood by their own belief.

Tenten would prove herself right today.

"Do you like anyone?" Tenten tossed the question into the air, studying Neji closely.

She was sure that the sweat bead forming on his forehead wasn't from push ups.

"No."

Tenten pouted as her brows furrowed together at his blunt response.

She knew it wasn't going to be easy—this was Neji she was dealing with.

"You don't even like me? Or Lee? Or Gai-sensei?" she exclaimed, raising her voice in hopes of catching Lee's attention.

"No."

"Neji-san is hardworking!" Lee called from mid-push up. "Neji-san has a logical and analytical mind and doesn't let his emotions get the best of him! Neji-san is who I aspire to be like!"

Tenten rolled her eyes.

"When did you become a Neji fanboy?" she retorted, annoyed.

"You heard him," Neji commented.

Neji just closed his eyes and continued his exercise—Tenten could have sworn she saw him smirk to himself.

Two could play at that game.

"Well I don't like you either," Tenten grumbled. "But I like Ruman."

Neji slowed down his push up ever so slightly, before resuming his regular pace.

"Well I'd hope you do, considering you two are friends."

"And I know who she likes too," Tenten emphasized, testing the waters.

This time Neji slowed down noticeably, hesitating before bringing his body down again for his next push up.

"Good for you."

"Don't you want to know who it is?" she gloated, tempting him.

By now, Tenten had given up on her push ups, and simply sat beside Neji, studying him intently.

She rested her chin in her hands and peered at his perfectly sculpted face, swearing to herself that she would break his composure.

"Not really," he expressed flatly.

"You're not curious at all?" she continued prodding. "Even if she's 'forgotten' Sasuke? What if she still remembers him, and is actually hiding her true feelings from the rest of us? Or is it Naruto—the warm blonde life-of-the-party who treats her specially because he cares about her?"

Neji didn't respond, but she noticed his eye twitch just barely at the mention of the Uchiha's name.

"Hm... or what if it was even Shikamaru? The carefree, intelligent one who acts like everything is a nuisance, but actually cares a lot?" Tenten mused. "They do spend a lot of time together, and you know how annoyed Shikamaru gets easily—so what keeps him coming back to Ruman all the time?"

"You're the one who's annoying," Neji couldn't help hissing, finally breaking the calm composure he'd been trying to so hard to maintain.

Tenten didn't even bother to hide the amusement and evil glimmer in her eye.

_Now we're getting somewhere._

"Fine, I mean I don't _have_ to say anything," Tenten teased, baiting him.

Neji continued his exercise in silence.

Tenten sat quietly for a few minutes, simply watching him.

Nothing filled the air but the sound of Neji's slightly irregular breathing as he continued his push ups.

"Well?" he prompted after another set.

"Well what?" Tenten chimed innocently.

"Who is it?"

"Who is what?"

Neji irritatedly quickened his push up pace.

"Who..." he breathed, pulling his body downwards. "Does Ruman like?"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Tenten taunted. "I couldn't hear you while you were breathing so heavily from your push up."

"I said," Neji muttered. "Who does Ruman like then?"

"Oooh," Tenten mocked. "So _that's_ what you said."

Neji was so close to stopping his push up session just to put Tenten in a headlock and force the answer out of her.

"She likes..." Tenten began.

Neji paused his push up, trying—unsuccessfully—to mask the fact that he was listening intently.

"She likes everyone!" Tenten sang, cackling evilly and holding her stomach at Neji's frustrated reaction. "This is Ruman we're talking about, is there anyone she _doesn't_ like?"

Neji has had enough of Tenten.

He continued his push ups, counting under his breath, ignoring her.

"I mean I know how close you and Ruman are," she credited. "But do you guys ever talk about... love?"

Tenten drew out the last word and batted her eyelashes at Neji.

There was another moment of silence until he finally decided to respond.

"No."

A vein slowly began to make itself prominent on Neji's forehead as he approached his three hundredth push up.

"Really?" Tenten exclaimed, covering her mouth to act surprised. "I would've thought you've at least tried confessing to her that you like her by now."

Neji couldn't defend himself against the bomb Tenten just threw at him.

Completely caught off guard, Neji's hand slipped as he planted face-first into the grass.

"What are you talking about?" he wheezed, angrily wiping his face of the dirt and weed from his fall.

"You don't have to be shy about it," Tenten laughed, slapping his back, obviously pleased with herself and his reaction. "I can read you like an open book."

Neji's eyes subtly darted around them, clearly scanning for other listeners; luckily, Gai-sensei was too far away to hear, and Lee was too deeply immersed in trying to break his last push up record to pay attention to Tenten's chatter.

"Shut up," Neji seethed. "I don't bother with trivial, pointless things like 'love' when I could be training."

"Oh please," Tenten scoffed. "Then what do you call constantly taking time out of your day to see Ruman even when you're so busy you don't have time to sleep or eat? Or bringing her flowers, food, and dessert when she never asked for it?"

"It's called being a decent friend," Neji shot back. "I thought you'd know that, after watching her cuss me out that time for not knowing how to be one."

"That's true," Tenten giggled, reflecting on the memory of Ruman really giving it to Neji that day.

"But you can't tell me that you don't see her as a woman," Tenten pestered.

"I see her as a friend," Neji replied, holding his ground.

"No, you see _me_ as a friend," Tenten compared.

"I see you as a man."

Had Neji not ducked quickly enough, Tenten would have smacked him in the face.

Neji simply chuckled to himself, obviously pleased with his comeback.

But Tenten could still tell his face was slightly, just barely flushed from her confrontation.

"Whatever," she exhaled, deciding to cut him some slack. "I'm just saying, you can't live in silence forever—before you know it, something precious to you might be snatched away right before your eyes."

"Yeah, yeah," he brushed off her nagging warning and shook off the dirt from his sleeves, getting up.

"Hey!" Tenten protested. "Where are you going?"

"The sun's setting, and I'm done with my training," Neji stated as a matter-of-factly. "But if I do recall correctly, you, on the other hand, still have a hundred and forty seven push ups left."

Tenten clamped her mouth shut.

Of course he's been counting.

Tenten muttered and cursed under her breath while resuming push up position, as Neji began to walk away.

"It's okay, Lee will keep you company," he smirked.

Tenten just glared at the back of his white robe as Neji disappeared into the distance in a flash.

She sulked at the grass below her, reluctantly letting her body downwards, and pushing back up.

"One hundred and four..."

* * *

After showering and freshening up, Neji checked the time.

It was half past eight.

He wondered if Ruman had eaten dinner yet.

_Probably not._

Neji knew, as much as she denied it, that Ruman wasn't very good at taking care of herself, even more so while she was going through stages of grief.

Her passing comments about weight gain, not having an appetite to eat anything despite physically feeling hungry, having no motivation to leave her hospital room, or even her excessive sleeping all indicated that self-care wasn't something she prioritized at this point in time.

Neji sighed, as he'd eaten earlier in the day with Lee and Tenten, but decided to pay Ruman a quick visit anyway to check on her.

_What if she ate already?_ he wondered._ I'll just get her something small then._

As he headed towards the door of his room, Neji took a quick glance in the mirror to make sure he was put together before seeing her—they couldn't both look like messes. _Someone_ had to maintain their image.

Neji exited his house and walked along the dark streets, still buzzing with people under the bright street lights.

He made a quick stop by the local market, deciding to buy Ruman piece of kombu onigiri. She didn't seem to be particularly passionate about it, but he did notice that it was the onigiri she always gravitated towards.

_Does she like the taste of kelp, maybe? Or maybe she just doesn't like fish. Come to think of it, Ruman just doesn't really eat meat..._

"Is one enough for her?" the store clerk asked Neji, breaking his train of thought.

"Pardon?" Neji asked, surprised.

"Ruman eats a lot, doesn't she?" the old man grinned, not prompting Neji for payment. "She never just eats one piece of onigiri."

"How did you know—"

"You never eat kelp," the store clerk chortled at Neji's confused expression. "Whenever you come with Ruman, she's the one who buys the kombu onigiri—therefore, isn't it safe to say that you're buying this for her right now?"

Neji simply laughed politely in response, scratching his neck and slightly embarrassed.

"How is she doing?" he asked Neji.

"She's having a bit of a hard time right now," Neji admitted. "I don't know how long she'll be in the hospital to heal from her injury—it was pretty serious, but at least now it's nothing life-threatening."

"Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that," the man frowned. "I hope she gets better soon, it's always so nice to see her stop by the market with that smile on her face."

"Yeah," Neji murmured.

The two men stood in silence for a minute at the well-lit counter as a gust of wind softly blew by, rustling the thin fabric of the awning.

"Let me get you the money," Neji chimed, breaking the silence as he reached into his pocket.

"No no no," the kind old man interrupted, holding Neji's hand and telling him to put it away. "It's on me tonight!"

"I couldn't do that—"

"Don't worry about it, young man," he reassured with a twinkle in his eye, insisting that Neji put his money away. "Think of it as my good wish for Ruman to get better soon—if you want to repay me, just bring her back to the market some time when she's all healed and recovered."

"Oh, thank you," Neji said hesitantly.

He wasn't used to receiving gifts or random acts of kindness like this.

"Of course," the old man smiled. "Here, take these apples and peaches too."

Neji waved his hands in disagreement, shaking his head.

"You've already been so kind as to give me the rice balls, I can't take these too—"

"It's the end of the day for the market," the store clerk explained, beginning to put the fruit into a bag. "If you don't take them, they'll go bad, or we'll throw them away."

"But—" Neji yelped.

The old man took Neji's hand and wrapped it around the bag handle.

"Take it," he said with a look that wasn't going to take no for an answer.

Neji looked at him, then at the bag of fruit, and back at him.

"Alright," he exhaled, giving in. "Thank you so much for your generosity."

Neji took a step back and bowed respectfully, as the old man chuckled heartily into the evening air.

"So respectful as always," he praised. "Now go! Don't keep her waiting if she hasn't eaten dinner yet."

Neji bowed once more before leaving as the old man shooed him away from the market.

Today was definitely an odd day.

There was just no avoiding talk of Ruman—it's like life was trying to push them together.

But then again, life has always had a funny way of doing that.

Neji looked down at the bag of fruit and the onigiri he held in his hand, and smiled.

Everything was working out.

Even if she had eaten already, Ruman always appreciated fruit, and liked to have it around at all times.

Onigiri—especially kombu onigiri—didn't go bad easily either, so she could save it as a snack for later too.

He arrived at the Konoha hospital rather quickly, as the market wasn't too far, and Neji preferred a brisk walking pace.

Usually he'd match his pace with Ruman, who liked to take her time walking, but since he was on his way to see her, time was somewhat of the essence.

He made his way up the stairs and approached her familiar wooden door, knocking twice once he stood before it.

Her light was on, indicating that she was awake.

"Can I come in?" he asked, peering through the glass.

He saw Ruman sitting on her bed, as per usual, who smiled and beckoned him in.

"Hey!" she chimed, perking up at the sight of her friend.

Although her voice didn't give away her poor physical state, her face did.

Neji noticed the bags beneath her eyes and her chapped lips, and he noticed several knots in her tousled black hair.

"Hey," he responded gently, sitting down in the chair beside her bed.

"Do you have... food?" Ruman glanced excitedly at the goods Neji held in his hands.

"Yup," he answered. "Have you eaten?"

"Not really."

"Perfect."

Ruman giggled.

"I swear, you're here just to feed me," she joked. "Sorry for making you babysit me all the time."

"You can't _make_ me do anything even if you tried," Neji teased, handing her the rice ball. "I'm here on my own accord, from my own free will."

"Well if you think about the way life works and how every action we carry out is followed by a consequence and the factors that go into the way our minds work, dictating our every thought and decision we make, we don't really have free will, especially since—"

Neji unwrapped the rice ball for her and stuck it into her mouth.

"Just eat."

Ruman giggled again, mouth full with rice.

"Thanks."

"Mhm," Neji simply grunted in response, as he always did. "It's actually a gift from the old store clerk we always see at the market."

"Huh?" Ruman turned her head towards him.

"He asked how you were and I said you were still recovering in the hospital, and he looked pretty concerned," Neji explained. "So he said the rice ball is on him, and also forced me to take some fruit to you."

"Aww," Ruman beamed, cheeks stuffed with the onigiri.

She put her hand on her heart.

"That's so sweet of him," she cooed. "Is this what having a dad feels like? Haha."

Ruman laughed emptily at her dark joke, but Neji knew she didn't mean any harm by it. Her making light of personal issues was her way of coping, and Neji had grown used to it by now.

Plus, Neji's own late father was not able to play that large of a role in his life either, so he understood how Ruman felt.

"_I'm _the one who brought you the food though," Neji pointed out.

"Well you're not important," Ruman teased.

"Hey!"

She just laughed as she continued to eat her small meal.

Neji irritatedly took a small knife from the bag he brought and began to peel the skin off the apple, so Ruman would be able to eat it after finishing her rice ball.

Once she ate the last bite, Neji took a slice of the apple he'd finished peeling and handed it to her.

"Here," he offered. "A freshly peeled, slice of apple from the one who's not important."

"I'm kidding," she bubbled, pinching his cheek playfully as she took the fresh fruit from the stubborn Hyūga.

Neji flushed a bright shade of red.

Nobody could ever see them like this.

Calm, nonchalant Neji always seemed to crumble before Ruman.

He only really lost his composure around Tenten or Lee when he was angry or frustrated, but somehow, the smallest gestures from Ruman could seemingly throw his whole life off balance.

"Woah, you're really hot, Neji," Ruman exclaimed, touching his cheek, his blush catching her attention.

Both of them simultaneously raised their eyebrows in alarm at her comment.

"Not like, hot hot," Ruman quickly stammered. "Like, your face! Your face is really hot."

Neji raised his eyebrows even further, smirking.

"No, like—"

"If you say so," he responded coolly, shutting her down.

Ruman rolled her eyes but also laughed nervously, giving up on trying to explain herself.

A healthy, rosy color had begun to return to her cheeks, putting Neji at ease.

She looked much better than when he first walked into the room, pale and lifeless.

"Did you see Tenten today?" Ruman asked, changing the subject. "I feel like you guys don't spend time together much anymore, since you're a Jōnin now and you're always on missions..."

"We still train together," Neji stated.

"Oh, so you saw her today then?"

"Yes."

Ruman wrinkled her nose at him.

"Would it kill you to have some emotion when you talk?"

Neji sighed.

"Sorry, it's been a bit of a long day," he disclosed, rubbing his forehead.

Ruman's expression softened at this.

"Ah, I'm sorry to hear that," she sympathized. "You can go home early to rest if you want! Don't sacrifice too much for me, you need your sleep too..."

"It's fine," Neji reassured, tossing the core of the now-eaten apple into the trash can by the door. "But yes, I did see Tenten today—she was slacking on her push ups again."

"Maybe you should show her some mercy," Ruman scolded. "There's no way she can be as physically strong as you and Lee, you know."

"True, but she is a weapons specialist," Neji reminded. "Shouldn't her arms at least be in top condition?"

"Mmm."

The two friends sat quietly as Ruman munched on her last piece of apple.

_Speaking of Tenten..._

"What do you and Tenten usually talk about?" Neji asked, breaking the silence.

"Huh?" Ruman looked up. "Uhh, normal stuff? I dunno, I mean what do you and I talk about?"

"Normal stuff?" Neji quoted. "I don't know... but Tenten made it seem like you two talk about lot more than you and I do, and implied that I don't know you as well as I think I do."

"Really now?" she asked, surprised. "You know my favorite foods, my bad habits, my hobbies, my insecurities, my skills, even my life routine at this point... I'd say you know a good amount about me, Neji."

"Ah."

"I mean what else is there?" Ruman inquired, reaching for a peach in the bag Neji placed on her bedside table.

Neji remained silent, debating whether or not he should bring up what was on his mind.

Ruman took the knife from the table and began slicing her peach, watching him.

She waited patiently for him to respond.

For Neji, it was now or never.

_Maybe she won't even think much of it._

"She said you two talk about love a lot, and I just thought that was funny since I don't think it's really come up between us," he finally shrugged, trying to sound as casual as possible.

"Is that so?" Ruman mused, taking a slice of her peach and biting into it.

It was so sweet, and so juicy.

She offered a piece to Neji, as he took it from her and bit into it quietly, waiting for her response.

"I wouldn't know," Neji stated coolly. "But that's just what she said."

"Well if it makes you feel better, we don't, not really," Ruman revealed. "She brought it up briefly recently, but overall we don't talk about it much."

"Ah."

Ruman peered at Neji.

"Did you really fall for that?" she smirked. "This is Tenten we're talking about here—she'll say and do anything just to get an answer out of you."

Neji mentally smacked himself at her words.

Ruman was right.

He should've known better.

He'd let his guard down because he couldn't help his piquing curiosity about the topic of Ruman.

_Tenten..._

"No, of course I knew," Neji retorted stubbornly.

"Whatever you say," Ruman smirked again at Neji's expression that gave him away completely.

Ruman didn't need Byakugan to see right through him.

Neji took this opportunity to test the waters a bit.

"So you don't like anyone?" he asked indifferently, fixing his sleeve.

"I never said that," Ruman replied simply, eating another slice of her peach. "I like you. And Naruto. And Kakashi-sensei. And Sakura. And Shikamaru. And—"

"You know what I mean," Neji broke her off, rolling his eyes. "Have you thought about whether or not you love someone?"

"Dang Neji, since when did you care about this kinda stuff?" she chirped, smiling slightly.

"I was just curious, since Tenten made so many bizarre accusations," he claimed.

Neji felt his heart rate speed up.

_Why am I feeling this way?_ he wondered.

Ruman didn't feel like continuing to dance around the topic, especially since she knew Neji only asked because he cared.

Not like he had any evil intent, and Ruman always believed it would be easier to be straightforward about one's answers to keep other people from guessing.

But since her conversation with Tenten, this was the first time Neji has done something that would noticeably prove Tenten's theory correct.

"No, I don't," Ruman finally said.

Neji could put a finger on what exactly he was feeling in the moment, but it didn't feel very pleasant.

"I see."

More silence.

"What if someone else was in love with you?" Neji asked coolly, but curiously. "What would you do?"

"Well what would _you_ do?" Ruman deflected the question back to him, amused.

"Depends on who it is," Neji answered, surprised at the sudden bounce back. "But most likely I'd say I'm not looking for a relationship since I'm so busy and everything."

Ruman just smiled at him, waiting for him to process the information.

"Oh," Neji said.

"Yup."

"So you're the same way then?" he asked.

"Kind of, but I can't use lack of time as my excuse," Ruman chuckled. "The truth is, Neji, I don't think I can ever really be in love."

"What?" he puzzled. "Why not?"

Now he was just genuinely invested in this conversation, and genuinely curious about Ruman's responses.

"Hmm, how should I put this?" she pondered to herself. "I don't want to sound dramatic, or like I'm looking for pity, but I don't think I deserve love, if that makes sense."

"What do you mean?" Neji queried, still confused, but wanting to understand.

Ruman sighed.

"Well first of all, I'm kind of a walking curse," she said dryly. "I bring misfortune to anyone who gets too close to me—I know, I know I'm exaggerating but you get my point."

Ruman grinned to lighten the mood, and to hide the seriousness of her words.

"I also don't think anyone can ever truly put up with me," she joked.

But something told Neji she wasn't fully joking.

"There are a bunch of things about me—almost everything, really—that I don't even love about myself, so I can't picture anyone else loving them," Ruman explained as earnestly as she could.

"Well, I'm sure if someone was in love with you, they wouldn't mind," Neji said, so gently that it took her by surprise. "We all see our own flaws, and it's only natural they're amplified in our own minds, so when someone else loves all those aspects of you, it's bound to widen your perspective a little bit."

"That was surprisingly thoughtful of you to say, Hyūga Neji," Ruman remarked.

Neji pursed his lips.

"I'm just telling the truth," he reasoned.

"I appreciate that," Ruman reiterated quietly. "But I'm different, Neji, seriously. I honestly would feel so bad for anyone who falls in love with me because I'm such a burden, and I wouldn't want to impose that upon anybody—especially if it was someone I care about."

"You're not a burden," Neji refuted as calmly as he could.

He couldn't help but clench his fists a bit in frustration.

Why couldn't Ruman see herself the way other people saw her? Why was she always so harsh on herself?

"Yeah, but_ I_ don't see myself that way," Ruman explained tiredly. "I mean, I hate being like this too. Nobody likes a ball of sadness and negativity, but I can't help it. I try my best—I really do—to be bright and positive around other people like Naruto is, but I'm so, so terrified. I'm so terrified that one day the people I love will see me for who I really am, and they'll leave me."

Neji opened his mouth to protest, but was shocked at the sight of tears welling up in Ruman's dark brown eyes.

"Ruman," he said, not knowing what else to say. "Maybe if you just opened your eyes, opened your heart a little bit—"

"They are open," she cut him off. "But just because they're open, doesn't mean I'm going to change. And nobody deserves to have to be cursed with someone like me."

They were silent.

Ruman blinked as a tear from each eye travelled down her cheeks.

She sniffled and quickly wiped them away, embarrassed.

"Ugh, sorry I'm so gross," she commented, wiping her snot with her sleeve.

"So that's why," she said finally. "That's why I don't love anyone. That's why I won't love anyone. That's why I _can't_ love anyone."

She stared blankly at the leftover peach she held in her hands.

Ruman prayed that Neji would stop being so thick-headed.

She prayed that her message would reach him—if Tenten was right, and he did, even the slightest bit, have feelings for her, then he would save himself and get rid of them.

He deserved so much better, and so much more than Ruman had to offer.

Neji wasn't sure why his chest felt so tight.

Was Tenten right, perhaps? Did he love her?

If so, did he feel pain because she essentially just announced that she would never love him in return, or because of how much she was hurting inside?

Did he feel the aching in his chest because his emotions would be unrequited, or because someone he cared immensely about was tearing herself apart?

At a loss for words, Neji mustered all the willpower he had to say something. Anything.

"I'm sorry."

Ruman blinked in surprise, looking up at him.

"Don't be sorry," she quickly put in. "It's not your fault I have issues, Neji. I should be the one apologizing for dumping all this on you when you didn't ask for it."

"I was the one who prodded," he admitted. "I didn't think you'd get so upset about it—I was just curious."

"Oh, Neji."

Ruman put the peach on her bedside table and beckoned for Neji to come closer to her.

He stood up and walked a few steps toward her bed, and when he was within reach, Ruman extended her arms and wrapped them around his neck, pulling him in.

The uncertainty of his heart rate earlier immediately disappeared, as his heart undoubtedly raced and pounded against his chest in that moment.

He hesitated, then placed his arms on Ruman's back, feeling the warmth of her body against his hands.

Her long, black hair flowed through his fingers.

"Thank you," she murmured, willing herself to not cry again. "Thank you for always being by my side and doing so much for me—I know I don't say it a lot or enough, but I really do appreciate you and everything you do for me."

Neji should have been delighted to hear those words of affirmation from her, but nothing could deny the aching in his chest.

She felt so... distant.

"Of course."

The tears that threatened to fall finally trickled out of Ruman's eyes at these words, as she tightened her grip on Neji's strong body.

She was so thankful for him, but she knew he was bound to be hurt inside.

_I'm sorry, Neji. I'm sorry you had to meet someone like me._

_I hope you'll forgive me._

_Forgive me for being selfish, for still wanting you to myself when I can't give you more than I have to offer._

_You deserve so much better._

_I'm sorry I'm breaking your heart._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, lovely readers! Sorry for the wait, but here's the new chapter! Not sure why it took me several days to write, but let me know what you thought!
> 
> It definitely turned out a bit more angsty and sad than I expected, but I can't help it orz
> 
> Does anyone ship Neji x Ruman? Or Sasuke x Ruman? Or as I read a few comments from before, Shikamaru x Ruman?
> 
> Hehe please leave me comments! They are my fuel for writing, haha.
> 
> Happy new year and happy holidays! Thank you for the support this past year, and I hope you'll continue to support me :') Looking forward to what 2018 has in store for us~


	13. Grief - Bargaining (III) [Pain's Assault]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Konoha is attacked, and Ruman must choose between her life or Kakashi's.
> 
> Chapter song: "The Scientist" by Coldplay
> 
> "Tell you I'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are."
> 
> "Nobody said it was easy... it's such a shame for us to part."
> 
> "Nobody said it would be this hard... oh, take me back to the start."

Ruman's chest heaved up and down as she keeled over onto her knees, bent over the toilet.

She clutched the collar of her pale, wrinkled hospital gown, trying to get a hold of herself.

Just when she thought she'd finally calmed down, a sickening wave of nausea washed over her as she puked into the toilet again, causing sweat beads to form on her temples and the veins in her neck to bulge.

Ruman grimaced at the sight of her unrecognizable lunch in the water and flushed the foul-smelling contents down, doing her best to stand up slowly.

With her pale hand holding onto the bathroom counter for support, she gradually made her way to the sink and rinsed her mouth with the icy water, her throat still burning from the acid in her vomit.

After splashing her face a few times with water, Ruman looked up at the mirror, her unrecognizable reflection staring back at her with dull, lifeless eyes.

It's been weeks since she first found out she barely survived a blade to the gut.

Weeks since she found out her future and dream of being a ninja was ripped away from her.

For the most part, Ruman had mastered the skill of acting okay when her friends were around—particularly Sakura, as Sakura got worried easily. But she wasn't easy to fool.

Sometimes Ruman really felt like she was being pushed dangerouslyextremely close to the edge of trying to maintain her healthy, slowly-recovering image.

In reality, Ruman still had trouble sleeping at night. She'd often wake up in the middle of the darkest hours, trembling, body drenched in cold sweat, and face stained with her tears.

There had been a recurring pattern in her dreams of her dying, being stabbed relentlessly over and over again, or worse, watching someone she loved killed before her eyes and not being able to do a single thing about it.

Most of her dreams were immensely morbid and gruesome, and uncannily dark.

Ruman was tired.

She was so tired of being angry, scared, and grief-stricken.

_I just want to be okay again._

She felt so guilty, that the village was noticeably louder these days, as her senseis and comrades prepared for an imminent attack, and all she did was lay in a hospital bed counting the days pass by, but all she could do was sit back and watch.

_I hope Naruto's training is going well... we're counting on you, buddy._

She believed in him.

It didn't matter if the elders still wanted to shut him away in order to protect the village, or that he still caused mischief with his stubborn nature and hotheaded attitude sometimes.

Ruman knew, down to the very depths of her bones, that his heart had always been in the right place, and always will be.

And she knew, without a single doubt, that Naruto would be destined for greatness.

And before he became HHokage, she would stand beside him, supporting him and encouraging him until the end.

Ruman smiled forlornly to herself as she exited the bathroom.

It was a shame she couldn't fight alongside him and watch his back anymore.

Yes, of course it hurt knowing that her body was physically incapable of generating enough chakra to support her as a ninja.

Of course there was never a fleeting moment when her heart didn't feel as if it were being torn apart by the twisted hands of fate.

Of course she was aching inside.

But she would do her best not to let Naruto know.

He couldn't be distracted with trivial matters like her grief and suffering, and she knew he would feel guilty every time he looked at her, most likely blaming himself for not being able to save her earlier, or for the way things turned out.

Naruto didn't deserve to go through that. No one she cared about did.

So even if it killed her, Ruman must recover.

Or at least act like it until she did.

As Ruman walked over to her all-too-familiar hospital bed, unexcited in thinking about what she would do for the rest of the day, an ear-splitting, deafening boom thundered outside her window, causing her to instinctively duck with her arms wrapped around her head.

The windows rattled, as the blast was followed by the unmistakable sound of people screaming.

Fear.

That was the sound of fear.

Ruman, throughout her years of training, had begun to distinguish the different types of emotions in people's voices—particularly yelling.

There was the yelling of surprise, anger, and happiness.

But she could recognize the sound of fear anywhere. What made her heart sink was usually what followed screams of that extremity—pain, horror, and death.

Ruman wasted no time as she stood back up and ddarted to the window, hastily pushing it open.

Her eyes scanned the view of the village from her room.

Nothing seemed to be in chaos around her street quite yet, but she did see—and smell—an ominous trail of black smoke trailing up towards the sky from several locations, all a few miles away in different directions.

_So it's begun._

She already noticed the first strategy in the opponent's attack through their distribution of locations, as it was much harder to defend against and fight off than attacks all consolidated within the same area.

Ruman prayed that Tsunade-sama and everyone was prepared for multiple attacks rather than just one, but something in her intuition told her that this was not the case.

Ruman noticed the sound of someone running up the stairs towards her room, and her eyes immediately flashed around as a reflex, apprehensively looking for something she could use as a weapon.

However, she relaxed her senses as she recognized the familiar running of Sakura's feet, waiting for the door to open.

As if on cue, the door to Ruman's room slid open, and, surely enough, revealed a panting, out-of-breath Sakura.

"Ru... Ruman," she huffed while catching her breath, soft pink hair in a frenzy.

"What's happening?" Ruman asked urgently, her pulse racing.

"The village is under attack," Sakura croaked. "I immediately came here to make sure you were okay; Iruka sensei and others are rounding up any children and civilians and taking them to a safer place to hide—Tsunade-sama specifically ordered me to tell you to go with him."

"I understand," Ruman acknowledged hastily. "Now go!—I know you have lives to save."

Sakura sent a look of appreciation her way before turning around and hurrying out back the door.

As Ruman bent over to take a change of clothes out of her drawer, she hesitated, unable to ignore the internal conflict in her head.

She wanted to listen to Sakura.

She really did, especially since those orders came directly from Tsunade-sama.

But she couldn't help reasoning that there was no way the village was prepared for multiple attacks, from an opponent who must certainly be powerful enough on an entire other level for the HHokage and higher positions to be so anxious.

They were unquestionably short on shinobi, not to mention Gai-sensei and his team had left on a mission just a few days ago, according to Neji when he dropped by to tell Ruman goodbye.

_Sorry, Sakura._

_Forgive me, Tsunade-sama._

Ruman swiftly took out her signature clothes out of the drawer, slipping out of her hospital gown and into her her short black tank top and exercise shorts.

She'd be damned if the village needed protection and she just sat back waiting to be saved, with the other civilians.

Ruman didn't spend her life training for this.

So what if she couldn't use Ninjutsu?

She still had Taijutsu, even if it wasn't as good as everyone else's.

After putting on her shoes, Ruman swept her kimono-cardigan off the clothes hanger it rested on in the corner of the room, easily sliding her arms into the loose sleeves.

She took a brief glance in the mirror, staring at her reflection in the mirror through her black, wispy bangs while tightening her black gloves on her hands.

This was the first time she looked even remotely put together in weeks.

Usually, the better she felt about her appearance, the more sure she was in her actions and performance.

But today, she was unsure. There was no telling how today's events would go.

_Make yourself useful, Hisashi Ruman._

Ruman tilted her neck to the right, cracking it, before speedily hopping out of her hospital window.

She landed with a strong thud on the balls of her feet, grimacing at the slight crack she heard in her ankle from the impact.

She was rusty, alright.

It has definitely been too long since she was physically active like she used to be.

Ruman took a second to recollect herself before her ears perked up, picking up where most of the commotion was coming from. She sprinted towards the smell of smoke, refusing to remain passive any longer.

* * *

Shikamaru looked at the chaos growing outside of his office window, trying to remain calm.

An attack right now?

_How troublesome._

He couldn't help gritting his teeth as his hands clutched the edge of his desk tightly—Ruman was still in the hospital, completely defenseless.

_Shit_.

He had bigger things to worry about, like how to save the village from complete destruction, and couldn't afford to be distracted by one person right now.

But he couldn't help it.

With Ruman's condition, Tsunade most likely ordered her to stay put with the children and elderly people of Konoha. But knowing Ruman, she probably lied her way out of it and is currently making her way towards the danger right after being told to stay away.

Though Shikamaru wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and trust she would make the right decision, he knew she probably didn't. She was usually an honest person, but at this point, she'd mastered the art of acting the way people around her wanted to—her steady, consistent "recovery" validated this, but the scars on her arm as well as her unhealthy amount of weight loss, whether it's due to skipping meals or, as Shikamaru guesses, complete rejection by her stomach, gave it away that Ruman was, in fact, not doing well at all. The only thing it did prove was that she was a good liar now, and good liars don't stay put or do as they're told.

"Damn it Ruman," Shikamaru sighed, heading for the door.

Instead of heading for the hospital, he already knew to head towards the small shortcut street leading to where the attacks were occurring. She was most likely headed that way. If he was lucky, he would be able to get ahead of her and stop her.

* * *

"Look out!" Ruman screeched, diving into a little girl about seven or eight years old and engulfing her in her arms. They rolled a few dozen feet away from the the loose bricks of a building crashing down, and Ruman felt her back slam against a concrete wall.

"Are you okay?" she looked down at the girl she just saved in her arms, as the child stared back at her with fear in her eyes and quivering lips.

She slowly nodded, trying to stop the tears from rolling down her face.

What this girl was doing by herself in a collapsing alleyway, Ruman didn't know. What she did know was that she needed to get this girl to safety.

"Run as far away from here as you can," Ruman instructed. "Don't be scared, just go in the direction I tell you to and you should be able to find some other children and ninja that will take you to a safer place than here."

The little girl nodded, and reached her hand out to touch Ruman's head gently.

"You're bleeding," she whispered.

Ruman winced as she was suddenly aware of the gash along her the side of her head, but grinned at the child.

"I'll be fine," she reassured, ruffling the kid's hair. "As long as you're okay, then it was worth it. Now go—and stay safe."

The girl nodded again in understnding and began to run in the direction Ruman pointed her towards.

She couldn't help looking back several times, only to keep running as Ruman made a shooing motion for her to hurry.

Ruman managed to save a few more people from mainly debris collapsing in more or less the same way, and directed them towards the same area where Iruka-sensei should be guarding defenseless civilians.

_This is the least I can do._

_If I save enough people, maybe, just maybe... life, or a god, or _anyone_, can take pity on me and give me my life back._

Ruman picked up her pace again and sprinted towards where the main commotion was coming from. She was probably about five blocks away from the nearest explosion when she sensed someone else's presence in the alleyway she was taking as a shortcut.

Ruman stopped running and stood up straight. Her hand silently slipped into her tool bag, gripping a kunai knife tightly, ready to fight—that is, until her entire body froze rigidly against her will and she was unable to move.

"What are you gonna do, fight me?" a familiar voice called from behind her.

A wave of guilt and relief washed over Ruman as she recognized the voice. She relaxed her muscles, but didn't let her guard down.

She didn't want any of her friends to catch her doing this.

"Let me go, Shikamaru," she said firmly, already knowing he was responsible for her inability to move at the moment.

Surely enough, it was his voice that responded to her. Of course he knew just where to find her at the right time.

"Why should I do that?" he snapped, not releasing Ruman from the Shaddow Posession jutsu he put her in. However, he stood up and allowed Ruman to turn around and face him.

"I can't just sit around and do nothing," Ruman told him as calmly as she could, but he could surely hear the trembling in her voice.

He narrowed his eyes at her, and Ruman could've sworn she saw his pointy ponytail stick up even more in frustration.

"So what am I supposed to do?" he asked irritatedly. "Let you go and walk straight into death and chaos? I don't think so."

"Shikamaru, please," Ruman said louder, her voice cloaked with desperation and a growing sense of urgency. "People are getting hurt and I _know_ the village is short on shinobi; even if I can't do much, I can help save someone, even if it's just a little."

Shikamaru opened his mouth to protest, until another booming crash was heard from one of the locations of attack not far from where the two friends stood.

"DAD!" a bloodcurdling cry in a voice Ruman and Shikamaru both knew all too well traveled through the air, and made Ruman's heart sink to the lowest pits of her stomach.

"Choji," she whispered in horror, both her and Shikamaru's eyes widening.

"Let me GO," Ruman growled, losing patience for one of her closest friends, who she never lost patience for. After a moment of hesitation, Shikamaru finally released her from his jutsu as she turned to leave.

"Shikamaru!" an approaching gruff voice called, which Ruman recognized to be Shikamaru's father. "You need to get back—we have more potentially useful intel on the enemy attacker."

"Go," Ruman motioned for Shikamaru to leave and stop worrying about her.

She wondered if she would die today. Would this be her last time seeing him?

This whole time, she hadn't been able to shake the feeling of imminent doom falling upon her village gnawing at her mind.

Shikamaru closed his eyes and finally tore his eyes away from her reluctantly, also turning to leave.

"Don't do anything dumb," Shikamaru muttered, his voice a mix of emotions.

Ruman heard anger, sadness, reluctance, uncertainty, and even guilt in his words.

"Be safe," he whispered before heading in the direction of where his father's voice came from, too quiet for Ruman to hear, for she was already sprinting down the next block.

"Please."

* * *

"Choji, LEAVE!" Kakashi's authoritative but desperate voice pierced through the air, sending a wave of anxiety and fear through Ruman's body as she arrived at the scene.

That type of desperation coming from her typically cool and collected sensei... things were very bad.

Ruman hid behind a pile of debris as she tried to observe the situation.

Kakashi was practically buried beneath a pile of metal and rubbish of sorts with just his head mainly sticking out, and he looked pretty beaten up; he was bleeding everywhere, his Sharingan eye was exposed but looked exhausted, and his clothes were completely torn.

She covered her mouth as she watched who appeared to be the enemy—a tall man with blazing orange hair and too many facial piercings to count in the all-too-familiar Akatsuki robe—simply look at a metal rod as it began to float.

_Holy shit... can he move things with his eyes? His mind? What's going on???_

Choji was sobbing over his father's body, and seemed to not be able to tear himself away from Kakashi-sensei either.

_Oh no..._

"The village will fall if you don't leave," Kakashi tried reasoning with Choji through the boy's tears, but Choji seemed to finally hear him as he finally slowly stood up.

"Too late," the man in the robe said so calmly it was eerie, as the small metal rod began to float even higher, and rotated itself in the air to point directly at Choji.

What happened in the next second wasn't planned.

As if moving on its own accord, Ruman's body commanded her to immediately reached into her tool pouch and grab a shuriken and hurl it at the metal rod.

_Protect Choji. No matter what it takes._

Knowing her presence and position have been exposed, Ruman flung another four shuriken at the Akatsuki member in the formation of a diamond, and leapt into the air, launching a kunai at his face from above.

Sure, she didn't have much chakra anymore and couldn't even manage any effective Ninjutsu, but at least she could still throw stuff.

The Akatsuki member didn't even blink as five pieces of metal immediately raced through the air and deflected Ruman's hopeless attack.

"RUMAN!" Kakashi bellowed with anger, wriggling with every last ounce of energy he had left in his damaged body, trying futilely to escape.

But he wasn't going anywhere.

Kakashi knew that, Ruman knew that, and their attacker knew that.

"Choji, RUN!" Ruman screamed at her friend who was already fleeing the scene. "GO AND DON'T LOOK BACK!"

"YOU GET OUT OF HERE TOO," Kakashi roared at Ruman, sweat forming on his forehead as he strained his voice. His vein bulged out of his temple and neck.

"How could I leave my comrades behind?" she announced, sending her sensei a nervous smile before standing up to face her enemy.

"He's completely above your level!" Kakashi tried to warn, practically pleading at this point. "I may not even be able to defeat him, let alone you, and you're not even in any condition to fight!"

Ruman turned and hurled a rock at the pile of junk her sensei was stuck in (avoiding hitting him of course), meaning him that she'd heard enough.

She knew the enemy wouldn't give her a chance to free Kakashi-sensei even if she wanted to, so she didn't bother.

The orange-haired man's eyes narrowed at her as Ruman found herself suddenly surrounded by more metal rod pieces. As they began to fire towards her at different speeds, she dodged as quickly as she could, flipping and twisting her body to avoid as much damage as she could.

Nonetheless, a piece of metal shot through her shoulder, another lodged itself in her back, and she felt a searing pain shoot through her leg while another piece was shot into her calf.

She crumbled in agony.

Though nothing had been life-threatening so far, all Kakashi could do was watch hopelessly as his eyes subconsciously brimmed with angry tears.

_Why don't any of my students ever listen to me when it matters?_ he thought furiously to himself, his gaze burning through Pain.

"Pain," Kakashi began calmly. "Let her go. You defeated me—she doesn't need to die."

Ruman glared at her sensei as she limped towards him, trying to get closer so she could try to protect him.

Her shoulder and back areas a soaking red patch, and blood trickling down her leg onto the dirt in the floor, Ruman refused to fall.

"Leave," Pain stared at Ruman coldly. "This was mine and Kakashi's fight, which he lost, and I was simply trying to kill the messenger earlier. But since it seems that he's escaped, I have no business with you."

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" Ruman yelled at him, keeling over as she was within a few feet of Kakashi, coughing up a chunk of blood onto the ground.

"I just want to know where Uzumaki Naruto is, but since your village does not seem to be cooperating despite my usually effective interrogation methods, I had no choice but to use force," Pain answered emotionlessly.

_Interrogation methods? Does he force the answer out of people psychologically even if they don't want to tell him? Then how come he still doesn't know where Naruto is?_

Ruman's eyes widened at Naruto's name as she did her best to hide her horror—but nothing escaped Pain's all-seeing eyes.

_That's why people are dying._

"But it seems you know where he is," he observed, lifting his head and raising his hand.

"DON'T!" Kakashi cried.

"Silence," Pain cut him off. "You had your chance, and now you are simply a distraction."

Pain levitated another metal rod piece directed towards Kakashi, and this time Ruman could feel it laced with murderous intent.

"But you, girl," he turned his head toward Ruman. "You will tell me what I want to know."

"Go to hell," she snarled, clots of blood traveling down her chin.

Unwavering, Pain's metal rod shot through the air, aiming for Kakashi's head.

Ruman didn't need more than a split second to consider her options, and she knew exactly which one she would choose.

If it wasn't immediate death, it was death after exposing Naruto's training location to Pain through god-knows-what type of interrogation technique he had up his sleeve.

At least with this, she could try and keep one of their lives—and at this point in time, she knew her sensei's life was more valuable than hers.

He was so powerful, so strong, and so capable.

He could help people, and he could _save_ people.

What could she do? Get tossed around because everything she's worked for up until this point was just thrown into the garbage?

With all the determination and earnesty she could muster, Ruman channeled her last bit of chakra into the bottom of her feet, launching herself off the ground and closing the few-feet gap between her and her sensei.

"NO!" Kakashi cried again, eyes widening as he saw the piece of metal shoot straight through Ruman's heart in front of him.

Her bloodied body landed directly before Kakashi's eyes, as they widened with disbelief and grief at her dimming eyes staring at him, as if looking into his soul.

"Kakashi-sensei..." she wheezed. "Please protect Naruto."

_I'm sorry, sensei. Maybe in another lifetime, after I've done all the good I can in this lifetime, I can have my abilities back._

_I promise I'll work harder next time._

_I promise I'll stop hurting myself._

_I hope our paths will cross again. I would give anything to have what we used to have again._

_Thank you for making me feel loved and giving me a home here._

Ruman whimpered and coughed a bit, choking on her blood, before closing her eyes as her body went limp.

_Choji escaped._

_Kakashi-sensei is alive for now._

_Maybe I actually will die with a purpose this time—take that, God, or Death, whoever has been messing with me this whole time._

_This is a bargain I am willing to make._

"Why do you do this?" he muttered, voice shaking. "Why are you all so naive? You just barely escaped death once, why throw yourself at it again?"

"I do not understand why you all go through such trouble," Pain said calmly, still not having moved from his position. "This is all so unnecessary, and for what? To protect one boy?"

Kakashi tilted his head back as he looked at the sky.

The sky was peacefully blue, with just a few clouds, as if Konohakagure wasn't crumbling right beneath it.

"Well, it's a little more than that," Kakashi murmured, his casual demeanor returning. He closed his eyes, managing a moment of silence for his student that had sacrificed herself for him before his eyes—despite him knowing it would all be useless in the end.

Pain was also quiet for a moment, his face an unreadable expression.

"If you loved her, why are you not trying to take revenge on me?" he questioned calmly. "Do you not hate me?"

"I don't know if you can tell, but I believe my legs and a couple other bones are broken," Kakashi pointed out lightheartedly. "As much as I'd like to get out of this pile of rubbish and stop you, that's not exactly the situation I can afford right now."

"I will never understand any of you. How naive."

"I don't know if it's hate," Kakashi finally answered, deciding to address Pain's question. "Of course I want to stop you, but just so you will stop hurting more innocent people. I wouldn't kill you to take revenge—though I have been there—because revenge only feeds into a more vicious cycle of loathing, and the world will never get better that way."

"You are an interesting shinobi, Hatake Kakashi," Pain said, raising one final piece of metal and shooting it into Kakashi's eye. Kakashi's head knocked backwards and hung lifelessly forward due to the impact, and Pain turned to leave.

As minutes that felt like hours passed, and Kakashi was certain Pain was gone, he looked back up.

It seems that he was able to send the rod into another dimension with his Sharingan in the last moment before it reached his eye.

With the time Ruman bought him, despite being intensely stressful as he tried to keep his student from throwing her life away, he gathered enough chakra to escape the rod.

_Unfortunately for me, instead of dying with a rod through my eye, it seems that chakra depletion will get the best of me... ah, what an unlucky way to go._

Kakashi's eyes grazed over Ruman's body, and then her face. She looked serene, but also a bit sad.

What a shame; a young shinobi, full of life and love, now still as a rock.

Kakashi never liked seeing shinobi lose their lives, even though he knew it was inevitable in this line of work.

_Thank you for saving Choji, and me._

_I'm sorry Ruman, but it seems I'm going to die here too._

_I'm sorry I couldn't do more—maybe next time, we can spend more time together. I promise I'll try to train you more—I didn't mean to be so busy that I'd neglected my students._

_There's still much I can improve on as an instructor._

Kakashi suddenly felt his eyelids so heavy he could barely keep them open, as his whole body began to feel a bit numb.

He closed his eyes, and finally laid his head rest.

And then, there was nothing but darkness.

* * *

"Shikamaru..." Naruto began, interrupting his friend's report on all the intel the intelligence team had gathered on Pain. "After I came back in Sage mode, I can sense everyone's individual chakra in the village."

Shikamaru's eye twitched ever so slightly at Naruto's words, knowing exactly where this was going.

"Where's Kakashi-sensei? And Ruman?" he asked. "Did he take her somewhere to be safe so she doesn't get hurt?"

Shikamaru had also just gotten the news about Kakashi and Ruman, and was on the brink of losing it earlier had his father not told him to keep it together.

The village needed him.

But he couldn't lie to Naruto.

Shikamaru's brows crinkled together as he closed his eyes and turned away from the blonde boy, fists balled up against the table.

The light in Naruto's eyes faltered a bit.

They turned glassy for a second, and then it was gone.

"I understand," he finally said after a long moment of silence.

Realizing someone else was in the room, Naruto looked to the doorway, almost regretting looking.

There, Neji stood, his robe dirty from the mission he just returned from with his team.

His expression was unreadable, but after hearing Shikamaru's words, Naruto could only imagine the devastation Neji was feeling inside, even if he didn't show it.

Naruto turned back to Shikamaru.

"Tell me everything about this Pain bastard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For clarification, the shipping will remain Ruman x Sasuke! I just needed the characters to spend some time apart first after the climactic first chapter, as it was originally intended as a one-shot, so I never planned on writing this far to begin with. I'm still working it out, but don't worry, I'm still sticking with the original pairing.
> 
> If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to ask me! I will do my best to answer any comments and private messages about "Unwavering," so don't be shy! I promise I don't bite (unless you're an asshole).
> 
> Without further ado, thank you for your patience and support, and enjoy the newest chapter!


	14. Grief - Depression (IV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruman's life flashes before her eyes, and she reconsiders her desire to die.
> 
> Chapter song: "Hold Me Down" by Halsey
> 
> "My demons are begging me to open up my mouth."
> 
> "He's got me down on both knees, but it's the devil that's trying to hold me down."
> 
> "They rush me, telling me I'm running out of time—they shush me, telling me I walk a fragile line."

Ruman opened her eyes.

Darkness.

She couldn't see a thing.

She tried waving her arms around, but couldn't quite feel them either.

_Am I dreaming?_

She tried thinking back to how she got here.

The image of Kakashi-sensei, bloodied and battered up beneath a pile of debris, vividly flashed through her mind.

Ruman's heart sank, remembering the violent sequence of events.

_Am I... dead?_

For some reason, the darkness felt oddly familiar to her, as if she'd been here before.

Counting the critical organs that were injured and the number of bones she'd broken, Ruman concluded that, yes, she was probably dead.

She sighed.

Was Kakashi-sensei okay? Did Choji safely escape Pain's wrath? What about the rest of the village?

Ruman trusted Shikamaru and his intelligence to keep the village safe—she believed that he could find a flaw in the enemy's attack.

_So what now? Do I wait to be reincarnated? Will an old lady be waiting to make me drink a soup that washes all the memories of my past life away like the myths say?_

Ruman felt her stomach tie itself into a knot, thinking about what it would be like to forget everything she's experienced up until now.

All the places she's been, faces she's seen... people she's loved.

Despite her sadness and living in agony after her injury, she suddenly almost felt reluctant to let go.

Wasn't this what she wanted? To give up her sorry excuse of a life in order to save someone else's life? Didn't she pray and pray for another chance?

It was as if everything felt that much less meaningless—that much less empty—now that everything was being taken away from her for real this time.

Ruman wondered what other people saw once they died.

Were they also engulfed by darkness like she was? Do they get to talk to their loved ones who passed before them? Or are they immediately transported to another lifetime?

Is everyone... so lonely?

Ruman suddenly felt her vision clear up, as a blurry image appeared before her.

* * *

_A very young-looking Ruman, probably around eight years old, looked down at the rice ball she was holding in disappointment._

_She'd bought the wrong one; the one in her hands was one with crab filling, but she didn't like to eat meat, hence always buying the konbu onigiri with seaweed filling._

_It'd be a shame to waste it, but she really did try to avoid eating meat when she could—just the smell could make her nauseous, and she'd been like this for as long as she could remember._

_She supposed it was a good thing, as she could save money, and it was safer and more reliable to look for nuts and berries when out in the wild._

_Ruman sighed, deciding to throw the crab rice ball away once she got home._

_"Arf! Arf!"_

_Her thoughts were interrupted by the sharp sound of a shrill bark quickly approaching her way._

_Ruman's eyes widened in surprise and nervousness as a small white puppy the size of a loaf of bread sprinted towards her._

_"So cute!" she gushed, bending down to stroke the furry animal as it reached her and began to furiously lick her feet._

_As it turned to lay on its back, Ruman rubbed its belly, getting enthusiastic and heavy breathing in response._

_"You love this, don't you?" she giggled._

_The animal suddenly jumped up to try and snatch the rice ball out of her hand, but Ruman was quick to hide it from the puppy._

_"Not for you," she shook her head._

_Could dogs even eat crab? Or rice? Does it make them sick???_

_She had no clue._

_Not like Ruman had ever owned a pet or anything._

_"Akamaru!" a male voice whined._

_Ruman looked up to see a boy about her age with brown hair and red markings on his face run her way._

_"That doesn't belong to you!" he scolded gruffly, swooping the puppy still trying to nip at the food in Ruman's hand._

_"Sorry about that," he grinned sheepishly. "Akamaru's young and I'm still training him."_

_"It's okay," Ruman beamed. "He's super cute—can he eat this rice ball by the way? I don't want it anymore but don't want to waste it."_

_The boy's eyes lit up._

_"He'd love that, thanks!" he chirped. "I'm Kiba by the way."_

_Kiba had seen this girl around occasionally, and he thought she was in his class too as he'd just enrolled in the Academy. He'd heard parents tell their children to be careful around kids like her whose origins were unclear, but now Kiba thought she seemed nice._

_"I'm Ruman," she replied happily, bending down again to feed the treat to the excited pup._

_"Other girls get scared and run away when Akamaru surprises them like that, so I'm sorry if he did it to you too," Kiba apologized._

_"It's okay!" Ruman laughed. "I was scared too but he was too cute for me to run away."_

_"Looks like you got lucky today buddy," Kiba smirked at Akamaru munching away mindlessly._

_"I can tell you two are really close," Ruman grinned at the sight of the two companions._

_"We are!" Kiba confirmed proudly, rubbing Akamaru's head roughly. "We do everything together, and he even enrolled in the Academy with me."_

_"Wow~" Ruman swooned in admiration. "I wish I had a close friend like that."_

_"We'll be friends starting from today!" Kiba proclaimed confidently, reaching his hand out to offer a handshake. "If you're ever lonely or bored, feel free to come find me and Akamaru any time! He likes you too, since you give him special treatment."_

_Ruman's heart began to race._

_Someone was offering to be her friend!_

_"Okay!" she said excitedly._

_She clutched Kiba's hand with hers and shook it goofily but firmly, solidifying their contract of friendship. "No backing out on your word!"_

_"I won't," small Kiba promised. "Are you doing anything else for today? You should come play with me and Akamaru! We were just gonna go find a meadow or something to run around and play catch in."_

_"Lead the way, leader!"_

* * *

_Kiba... how long ago was that? Seven years? Eight years?_

Ruman smiled sadly at the memory of her and Kiba meeting for the first time.

He was probably the first person to make her feel welcome in Konoha.

His warmth and openness opened her heart to all the people she would meet later on.

The memory began to fade as Ruman began to make out a different scene playing out before her eyes.

* * *

_"He never makes a move on me!" Sakura whined, throwing her hands up in the air of Ruman's small, empty room._

_She had been teamed up with Ruman for a year now, therefore feeling comfortable enough to trust Ruman with her boy problems._

_"Is it because my hair's not long enough? Are my eyes not big enough? Am I not skinny enough?" she cried, burying her head in her knees._

_Ruman simply watched Sakura in both pity and exasperation—she didn't know how to comfort her friend about issues like these._

_Not like she had any real boy experience either._

_"Your hair is lovely, your eyes are gorgeous, and you have an amazing body," Ruman reassured._

_"Really?" Sakura looked up, stubborn tears brimming her eyes._

_"Really."_

_Ruman tucked a strand of Sakura's long, shiny pink hair behind her ear, revealing her face._

_She took some paint off her desk from the project she was working on the night before, and began to mix a bit of red and white together until she created a perfect shade of pink, matching Sakura's hair._

_"Don't move," Ruman murmured._

_Sakura blinked through her long, dark lashes in confusion, but complied._

_Ruman took the softest paint brush she owned and began to slowly paint on Sakura's left cheek._

_She made each stroke gently, carefully creating a tiny piece of art on Sakura's face._

_"There," Ruman announced, finally letting go of her breath._

_She handed Sakura a hand mirror._

_"Do you like it?" Ruman asked as Sakura's face slowly lit up. "The prettiest flower for the prettiest girl."_

_Sakura fell silent in awe at the small cherry blossom Ruman had drawn so delicately on her cheek._

_"I love it," she whispered, unable to contain the smile spreading across her face._

_"Now there will be no one who doesn't notice you," Ruman assured her friend warmly._

_"Thanks Ruman!" Sakura giggled, beaming from ear to ear._

_The bright smile never left her face as she jumped up._

_"I'm gonna go show my friends, and maybe... he'll... like it too!" Sakura dashed out Ruman's door without saying goodbye, but Ruman simply chuckled in response._

* * *

_Sakura... do you remember when we used to just sit in my room and talk?_

It's been forever since Ruman could recall the last time Sakura confided in her regarding boy troubles—it seems that her priorities have changed in the last few years.

She's grown up.

* * *

_"I love these hot springs!" a girl yelled to her friend._

_"I know right!" her friend laughed in response. "It feels so good to just hop in with a swimsuit, this is exactly what summer should be like~"_

_"Ahh..." a pair of two boys sighed in unison as they enjoyed the warm springs together while the girls continued to chatter excitedly._

_"Those girls are so loud," Ruman observed with a slight edge of annoyance in her voice, to a relaxed Kiba and Akamaru sitting across from her in the water. "Why can't they be quiet like the boys and just enjoy the experience?"_

_Akamaru whined in response, obviously also wishing for some peace._

_"Can I... join you guys?"_

_Ruman heard a soft voice ask the rowdy group of kids a little bit away from her._

_She looked up to see a chubbier kid with swirly pink marks on his cheeks wearing a large T-shirt and shorts standing before the culprits._

_"Go for it," one of the boys nodded._

_The new, shy boy slowly slipped into the water as the group eyed him observantly._

_"Why are you wearing so much clothes?!" one of the girls ridiculed in her shrill voice. "It's too hot to be wearing so much!"_

_"I know right?" the other girl giggled. "Everyone just wears their swim suit to the hot spring—you should take it off!"_

_"Oh, I..." the shy boy began hesitantly, his hands covering his body._

_"Don't be shy!" the first girl laughed, her hands already making their way to the bottom of his shirt._

_"Take it off! Take it off!" the other girl added on to the situation jokingly. "Or are you too scaaaared to?"_

_This also aroused the interest of the two boys, as they began to lightheartedly help the girls try and remove the shy boy's shirt._

_While it was all in fun nature and probably started with good intentions, the boy was obviously uncomfortable with showing so much skin—even in the hot weather, and even more uncomfortable that these kids he just met were trying to take his shirt off._

_Did they not know what boundaries were?_

_Ruman stood up from her spot irritably, as she'd seen and heard enough._

_"Ruman—" Kiba started, opening his eyes._

_Abruptly, Ruman picked up her own shirt and walked over to where the two girls and two boys, along with the shy boy, were sitting in the water._

_Kiba sighed, as he beckoned Akamaru to follow him, standing up as well._

_The group stared at Ruman, the girls obviously displeased at Ruman sudden appearance with a bit of an attitude._

_Ruman simply slipped on her own T-shirt, stepped into their warm spring, and sat down uninvited without a word._

_The girls and boys let go of the new member's shirt, and he undoubtedly looked relieved that all attention was no longer on him._

Splash!

_"Say, it's a bit tight in here, isn't it?" Kiba grinned nonchalantly, stretching his arms out, putting one around Ruman and one around the shy boy._

_Ruman looked over to see that Kiba had also put on his shirt, despite the scorching hot weather, followed by Akamaru's splash in the water, drenching the other two girls and boys._

_"Augh!" the girls cried in disgust at the dog splashing around in the water and got up irritatedly to leave._

_The two boys looked at each other in uncertainty._

_"Aren't you two coming?" the girls chided angrily, standing with their arms crossed._

_Sure enough, the two boys quietly also rose and left the warm spring, leaving Ruman, Kiba, Akamaru, and the shy boy to have it to themselves._

_Ruman immediately broke her cool expression and turned to the boy._

_"I'm Ruman," she said with a polite, but friendly smile._

_"Ch-Choji," the boy stammered, clearly taken aback by Ruman's sudden change in attitude._

_"Nice to meet you, Choji," she grinned. "Hope you don't mind me, Kiba, and Akamaru joining you for today."_

_Choji's expression slowly began to break into a thankful smile._

_He's made friends that would accept him for the way he was._

* * *

_That's probably one of the only brave and decent things I've done..._

Ruman would miss Choji.

He had such a big heart and endless love to give, even if he was a bit simple-minded and naive.

Choji has always only had the purest intentions, it was no wonder Shikamaru was always so protective of him.

As if on cue, Ruman began to make out Shikamaru's silhouette as the memory before her began to blur into a different one.

* * *

_"This is such a drag," Shikamaru complained, his hand sliding down his face, tugging his skin downwards with it._

_His mother had bestowed upon him the glorious duty of household chores, as well as preparing for dinner, while she went out to run some errands for the day._

_His father, knowing better, left the house early in the morning to avoid being dragged into it as well._

_"Well if you don't want to get your ass handed to you, I suggest getting a start on this drag," Ruman chided lightheartedly._

_Shikamaru had bumped into his friend on his way home from grocery shopping, and invited her to hang out with him—she had no idea what she was signing up for._

_"A man shouldn't be doing all these domestic chores at home," Shikamaru grumbled, cutting up a potato for dinner._

_He carefully took each slice to dice up into smaller pieces, wondering how his mother had the time to cut up so many vegetables every day._

_"How can you call yourself a man when you can't even do the simplest tasks like cleaning or cutting vegetables?" Ruman jabbed, walking towards him. "My god, Shikamaru, are you trying to stay here cutting vegetables forever?"_

_Shikamaru looked down tiredly at his single sliced potato out of the remaining eight._

_Ruman sighed and took the knife carefully from his hand._

_"If you want to maximize your time and be efficient, you have to stack all the larger, flatter pieces you've cut," Ruman explained while demonstrating. "That way, in the time you dice up one slice of potato, I can dice up three to four slices when they're stacked together."_

_"I got it," Shikamaru scoffed, trying to hide his surprise at Ruman's newly introduced method._

_"Why don't I cut the vegetables?" Ruman suggested, taking another potato into her hands. "You can prepare the other ingredients your mom listed."_

_"Fine," Shikamaru shrugged._

_"You're lucky your mom only told you to prepare the ingredients for dinner," Ruman snorted. "Imagine if she wanted you to _cook_ too."_

_"Looks like we wouldn't be eating tonight then," Shikamaru said as-a-matter-of-factly._

_He wouldn't lie, he liked Ruman's company._

_She wasn't snobby, had a sense of humor, and, most importantly, had a brain._

_They could actually hold a conversation together—with other girls his age, Shikamaru found that they wanted completely different things._

_He would die before listening to Ino talk about dieting, boys, and gossip the whole day._

_"Hnnnngggghhh," Shikamaru grunted with difficulty, his vein on the side of his neck throbbing._

_"Uhh... you good?" Ruman asked, turning around to face her struggling friend._

_"I can't twist the lid off this jar," he huffed._

_"What are you gonna do?" Ruman questioned, trying to hide her amused smile._

_This time, Shikamaru looked pleased, most likely because his problem-solving skills could finally come into play._

_"I could use fire to melt the inside of the lid, making it easier to open," he strategized. "Or if you held it, I could use something to pry it open with just a bit of leverage, or..."_

_Ruman sighed and shook her head, interrupting Shikamaru's train of thought._

_She simply took a pair of rubber gloves off the kitchen counter and slipped them on, taking the jar in question out of Shikamaru's grasp._

_Ruman slightly twisted the jar's lid, and it popped off with ease._

_Shikamaru just stared._

_"You couldn't open the jar not because you're not strong enough," Ruman explained. "There's moisture and oil on your hands and fingers that you can't detect, so wearing rubber gloves will let you grip the glass jar much easier."_

_Shikamaru seemed to figure it already, though._

_"Why don't you just live with us so you can do all the chores and cook?" he suggested sarcastically, flopping down into a nearby chair._

_"Come on, Shikamaru, I thought you were supposed to be a genius," Ruman teased._

_"My analytical skills aren't used for mundane things like cutting vegetables or opening jars," he snapped. "These are a woman's job."_

_"Man, I really hope you find someone who can put up with your misogyny and still love you unconditionally while taking care of your living needs in the future," Ruman chuckled. "You won't last a day if all you have are your strategy-forming skills as a ninja."_

_Shikamaru muttered something about how he wouldn't need such useless things in the future under his breath, as Ruman simply turned back to dice up his potatoes._

_"Well, I won't need someone else to do it if you're already here."_

* * *

Ruman felt her eyes well up briefly with tears.

_Looks like I can't take care of you anymore, Shikamaru._

The smallest, most mediocre things would sometimes stump her friend, which was both surprising and amusing.

Shikamaru was the most intelligent and analytical person she knew, after all.

She would miss him.

Sure, she's helped him with small things like household chores, but the things he's done for her are bigger.

He would figure out solutions to her problems in the most reasonable, logical ways, helping her avoid trickery, not to mention all the times they'd gone on missions together, and it was his fool-proof plan that brought their team home to safety.

Perhaps it was a good thing that she was leaving.

She would no longer be a burden to him.

* * *

_Ruman angrily made her way to the meadow that Lee, Tenten, and Neji always trained at._

_The more she thought about it, the more furious she grew._

_She had waited in front of the movie theatre for two hours, waiting for Neji to show up._

_He agreed to watch a movie with her, but didn't show up._

_Ruman had grown more and more uneasy, afraid that he forgot—was she that unimportant?—or perhaps was in some sort of trouble. She didn't want him to get hurt or anything._

_It wasn't until Ino passed by the movie theatre and saw Ruman shivering in the cold, still waiting, and told her she overheard Neji promise Tenten that he would train with her so she could practice her new technique._

_At first, Ruman was sad._

_Then, she was angry._

_Her temper shot through the roof as an uneasy Ino stepped aside to let Ruman pass._

_How dare he?_

_How difficult was it to just let her know he wanted to reschedule, or at least ask someone else to tell her that he wouldn't be able to make it today?_

_Ruman felt sick waiting in the cold, the possibilities of why Neji didn't show up running through her head._

_With her personality, Ruman could only imagine the worst situations._

_This wasn't the first time either._

_Neji was notorious for his lack of consideration at this point._

_Ruman tolerated his behavior at first because she thought he didn't know any better, but his heart was in the right place as a friend._

_But not today._

_She'd had enough._

_With her irritance building up, it was only a matter of time before she let him have it._

_Upon reaching the meadow, Ruman made out Neji's familiar white robe, as well as Tenten's and Lee's figures beside him._

_She stormed up to her comrades, and Neji turned around at the sound of her aggressive footsteps._

_"HYŪGA NEJI!" Ruman roared._

_Neji flinched at the sound of his name in such high volume._

_"Ruman..." he began, a sweat bead forming on his forehead._

_Lee and Tenten nervously stepped away from the two friends standing face-to-face._

_"Care to explain why you left me hanging outside the theatre by myself today without a single word about not showing up?" she growled._

_"I... didn't think it was that important," Neji answered calmly but hesitantly. "You should've just gone home if you didn't see me."_

_That was it._

_All hell let loose._

_"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" she bellowed. "WHAT IF YOU GOT HURT? WHAT IF YOU WENT MISSING? AM I SUPPOSED TO FILE A MISSING PERSONS REPORT JUST BECAUSE YOU DECIDED IT 'WASN'T THAT IMPORTANT'?"_

_"Ruman..." Neji tried to object._

_"Just because you don't think it's important doesn't mean other people don't either!" Ruman spat. "You call yourself a friend but you don't even bother to consider how other people feel! Other people's emotions don't matter to you, and you make them feel unimportant!"_

_"That wasn't my intention—"_

_"SO?! Your intentions and the consequences of your actions are two different things! If you promised someone one thing, why would you think it's okay to treat that promise like it means nothing? Does it mean nothing to you? How is anyone supposed to believe anything you say if you don't even place value in the promises you make people?"_

_Ruman didn't stop there._

_"You might think emotions are a waste of time, but other people don't think so," she snapped. "If you don't think about how other people and take their feelings into consideration, you're going to hurt people, even if you don't mean to! And you still wonder what you did wrong? We're human, Neji. We laugh, we cry, we hurt. No matter how much you try to ignore that, it's true—how can you be someone's friend, how can you protect someone, if you don't even consider what they feel inside?"_

_She seemed like she had more to say, but Ruman bit her tongue, and turned around abruptly to leave._

_"Point is, I'm pissed off, Neji. Like really pissed off."_

_With that, Ruman stormed off._

_The silence was deafening._

_"Wow... this is because Neji didn't show up for their date?" Lee asked in wonder but in shock._

_"It wasn't a date," Neji snapped._

_"Not quite," Tenten answered, sitting down on the grass. "Sounds like an accumulation of exasperation and irritation built up over time if you ask me—good luck with that Neji, you might want to consider going after her."_

_Neji was quiet._

_He sat down, conflicted._

_"I do not know what to do," he said quietly._

_"What do you mean you don't know what to do?" Tenten asked hysterically. "Go after her! I don't think Ruman will really hate you for this, but you will _definitely_ get Douchebag of the Year award if you don't try to fix this."_

_Neji didn't say anything for a minute._

_Then, he stood up, and finally began to make his way towards the direction Ruman left in._

_"Fine."_

_"Go, Neji-san!" Lee hooted, throwing his fist in the air. "Go win the maiden's heart and bring her back, I believe in you!"_

_"Give it a rest, will you?" Tenten's irritated voice responded, as she put Lee in a headlock._

* * *

Ruman couldn't suppress her giggle.

This was the legendary confrontation that had traveled through all her friends' ears at Konoha—Hisashi Ruman chewing the great Hyūga Neji out in front of his teammates.

She had been hesitant about being so harsh on him at first, but decided it was what he needed.

And she was right.

Ever since that day, and Neji's heartfelt apology, their friendship had blossomed like never before.

According to Tenten, he was also more considerate towards his teammates as well.

Remembering Neji, though joyful, also made Ruman's heart ache.

She had shot him down before he even had the chance to say anything about how he really felt towards her—Ruman wasn't blind, and she wasn't dumb.

Of course she had a bit of a sense of what Neji was getting at, but she couldn't afford for him to get hurt.

He deserved better.

She could only imagine his hurt and devastation once finding out she died.

_I'm sorry._

During her grieving, nothing felt important anymore.

Ruman felt as if she could give up anything and everything, and she would still feel the same empty numbness overcome her.

If she was given another chance to live, she would give Neji a chance as well.

After all, what was she waiting for? Not like she had anyone else to wait for.

Of course, these were all absurd thoughts that the dead have before they pass on.

None of this matters anymore.

* * *

_"For this week's collection of my exclusive, limited-edition ramen and your stash of the best ramen brands, I will win!" Ruman yelled, throwing her hand of cards down onto the table between her and Naruto._

_The two friends sat in the messy room of the blonde-haired boy, their respective ramen stashes sitting behind them in a small pile._

_Naruto's jaw dropped at the four kings and miscellaneous card Ruman played in her five-card hand, also known as a Bomb._

_"Four kings?!" Naruto wailed while Ruman smiled in triumph. "That's so rare!"_

_His two shadow clones behind him echoed his thoughts._

_"Woah!"_

_"No way!"_

_"Hand over the goods, loser," Ruman cackled, reaching for Naruto's pile of ramen._

_Ruman's two shadow clones began to make their way towards him, keen on taking his food immediately._

_"Too bad... this is even MORE RARE!" Naruto roared, slamming his own five-card hand on top of Ruman's._

_Ruman's eyes (and her clones') widened at what they saw._

_"Four... ACES?!" she cried, unable to believe her eyes. "You cheater! There's no way!"_

_"Sorry loser," Naruto smirked, sticking his tongue out at his defeated friend._

_The three Narutos pounced on Ruman's loot, taking all the packs of ramen she had saved up for the week._

_Ruman's team sprawled across the floor, a hopeless light in their eyes._

_"My ramen..."_

_Ruman's clones would have put up a fight, but they all knew Ruman lost fair and square, and this was the consequence._

_"These two are for you!" one of the Narutos called, tossing two flavors Ramen had yet to try at her. "Consider it your compensation for hanging out with me."_

_Ruman's eyes lit up—she hadn't eaten yet, and was really counting on beating Naruto to take his ramen._

_"These are for you."_

_"And these are for you!"_

_Ruman looked up to see the other two Narutos handing each of Ruman's clones two flavors each as well—leaving six packs for themselves._

_The Narutos had split the whole loot in half, allowing everyone to have a bit, and an equal amount at that._

_"Thanks, cheater," Ruman beamed._

_"I didn't cheat, you sore loser," Naruto shot back, but happily tearing open his ramen. "Guys, go boil some water!"_

_"We'll go get utensils!" Ruman's clones echoed._

_It was always so much more fun to spend time with someone else, rather than sitting alone in an empty room._

* * *

That's right.

Ruman wouldn't even be able to see Naruto before passing—he would have to come home to the news that she'd died.

She wondered how his training was going.

Was he safe? Was he getting stronger?

Ruman smiled at the vision appearing before her eyes.

Her Team 7, young and full of life, standing in a circle with their hands stacked on top of each other's.

Sakura's hand, pale and dainty, with the smoothest skin Ruman had ever seen.

Naruto's hand, tan and sweaty beneath his thick, orange jumpsuit sleeve.

Another hand, light but strong, beneath a white, blue-rimmed arm warmer...

Ruman's thoughts were interrupted by an abrupt change in scenery.

She couldn't make out what she was seeing, as most of it was a blur.

She slowly began to see four figures appear before her—two female, two male.

The two females had seemingly short hair, while the two males, one slightly taller than the other, each stood with one woman.

Ruman gasped as her hand flew to her heart, clutching her chest tightly.

She felt short of breath.

_Mom... Dad...?_

She reached her arm out to try and touch the blurry figures—she just wanted to make out their faces. She wanted to be sure.

_Just a little bit more..._

The image suddenly dissipated into nothing like a light fog cleared by a gust of strong wind.

Once again, Ruman was left in the darkness.

She choked on her tears a bit, unable to erase the hazy—yet vivid—impression she had been left.

Then, it was as if the darkness spoke.

_I see you're back again._

"I see you're still here," Ruman responded, not even sure who she was speaking to.

_I'm ingrained within your heart and mind—I'm the voice that never goes away. You know that._

"Let me guess, you're going to convince me to just let everything go and die for real this time, right?" Ruman contended.

Silence.

"Well, I'm ready this time," Ruman announced. "There's nothing left for me in this life. Just take everything. I don't have anything anyway."

Nothing but silence ensued.

Finally, the voice spoke again.

_It doesn't seem like I'll get the chance to this time._

At this, Ruman finally began to make out what looked like a soft, green light slowly growing in the distance.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

_You wanted another chance? You're getting it. And it seems like everyone else in your village is too._

Quickly piecing things together, Ruman's heart immediately skipped a beat at the thought of the unfortunate lives lost being granted life again.

"Why...?"

_Beats me._

Ruman slowly made her way towards the light step by step.

She had lived in darkness for long enough.

She thought she'd lost everything, and was ready to give everything up.

She was hopeless.

But now that she was being given another chance, along with everyone else in Konoha, she would grasp it tightly.

Her grieving was finally coming to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient with me! I've received so many kind messages of support since my last chapter, and they've really helped keep me going. I hope this long chapter will make up for it, as it did take me forever to write, haha.
> 
> The five stages of grief are almost done, and we'll be moving on with the plot soon! Thank you all for putting up with me this whole time, haha.
> 
> What do you like about the story so far? Is there anything you'd like to see? Let me know!
> 
> Sending you all lots of my love~ xx


	15. Grief - Acceptance (V)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagato uses his remaining strength to bring everyone in Konoha back to life, and, at the sight of his friends' injuries and deaths, Neji re-evaluates Sasuke's worth—whether he is deserving of their love or not.
> 
> Chapter song: "Meant To Be" by Arc North ft. Krista Marina
> 
> "And how will we ever know if the love was meant to grow without trying?"
> 
> "We've both been there before when love shuts the door—it's a losing game... but this time it's more than another love war."
> 
> "My heart still feels the breaking, but you make my world so bright... it feels so right."

_Everything hurts..._

Ruman mustered every ounce of strength she had left in her body to crack her heavy eyelids open.

"Ruman!"

She could barely make out her blurry vision, but Ruman could recognize that voice anywhere.

"Ne...Neji?" she breathed, her lips cracked and dry from laying in the dirt.

"I'm here," the brown-haired boy reassured firmly. "I'm here."

For some reason, hearing those words triggered Ruman's tears, as they began to stream down her face uncontrollably.

Ruman tried to sit up, only to cough and hack up clumps of blood onto herself and Neji's snowy, white robe.

"Stop trying to move around so much," Neji scolded, though obviously relieved that Ruman's life no longer seemed to be in danger. "You were just barely clinging on for life."

"No, Neji," Ruman corrected. "I was dead. I know it."

Her friend appeared to want to say something, but seemingly decided against it as he clamped his mouth shut and simply couldn't help but to stare at her, as if trying to hide his awe and thankfulness that she was alive.

"Well you're here now," Neji said, tightening his grip on Ruman's hand and gently helping her sit up in the dirt, though it was covered in her blood from her fight earlier.

That felt like an eternity ago.

Ruman studied Neji carefully, silent tears still subtly trickling out of the corners of her eyes.

He looked so beautiful, untainted and unharmed, unlike herself.

She remembered what she'd thought to herself right before she died.

_If I was given another chance to live, I would give Neji the chance he deserves too._

Seeing him before her now, she wondered why she ever hesitated and doubted herself.

"We should probably get you to a medical ninja as soon as possible," Neji began. "You're—"

He was interrupted by Ruman's sudden embrace, as her weak, cut up arms wrapped themselves around his neck and pulled him in.

"I'm so sorry," Ruman whispered, her soft voice cracking into a whimper.

This time, the tears truly let loose.

She didn't know why she started sobbing, or why she couldn't stop.

She was happy.

Ruman was happy to be alive for once, happy to be reunited with people she loved and cared about. People she hoped to protect one day.

"I'm so sorry," she blubbered into Neji's neck as his chin rested against her shoulder, her tears creating a damp grey patch on the fabric of his robe.

"There, there," Neji said awkwardly, stroking Ruman's hair, unsure of what to do. It was obvious she needed some sort of comforting, but Neji didn't want to overstep his boundaries again.

He just wanted to be there for her, but admittedly, now that the time has come, he wasn't sure what to do.

Ruman finally pulled back from their embrace, as she took Neji's face gently in her hands and planted a kiss on his cheek, completely oblivious to their surroundings.

Neji felt frozen in time.

He was shocked.

So shocked that he didn't know what to do.

Was Ruman in her right mind? Did she have a change of heart?

His world began to spin as he closed his eyes as well, his body feeling a bit numb. In all honesty, even Neji began to feel a bit choked up—of course he was happy.

But he couldn't wipe away the looming thought of how close he was to losing her.

He saw Lee and Tenten out of the corner of his eye, their jaws dropped wide open. Even Kakashi-sensei, still lodged in a pile of rubbish from his fight earlier (as Neji presumed), raised his eyebrow at the unexpected sight of Ruman's sudden expression of affection.

_So that's how it is_, Kakashi thought to himself.

Ruman finally released Neji from her grasp and rested her head in the crook of his neck, taking comfort in his presence and absorbing every moment of being alive.

Perhaps it was because she'd just taken a lap around Hell's gate once again, but there was nothing more soothing than another person's company and touch at the moment—nothing better than Neji.

Neji gingerly placed his hand on Ruman's back, his other hand on the back of her head, patting it as if to say, "Everything's okay now."

He let her rest there for a while, for as long as she needed. He would wait here patiently. Everything was okay now—the village was safe.

Neji couldn't deny the joy blooming in his heart, as his chest felt tight with a foreign feeling woven into it. However, he also couldn't ignore the nagging at the back of his mind, as thoughts of Sasuke drifted through his brain relentlessly.

He remembered when he first began to notice signs of possibly taking interest in Ruman when they were all Genin, and when Sasuke was still in the village—when he was still a part of Team 7.

For some odd reason, Neji distinctly remembered the distaste he felt towards the young Uchiha when a rumor traveled through the village between their friends that Sasuke had taken Ruman home alone when she was drunk.

_How indecent_, he'd thought to himself at the time.

Any man in his right mind would have known to let a girl take Ruman home.

That was when Neji only grew more confused and irritated at the sight of how happy Ruman was the next day when they all trained together—she was usually happy, but Neji could almost see her glowing from within.

He didn't want to make any brash assumptions at the time, but since it seemed like every teenage girl was head over heels for the raven-haired Uchiha at the time, he wouldn't have been surprised if their night together was what made Ruman so bright and jittery.

Perhaps it was because he expected better of her, as she never showed any noticeable interest in Sasuke. So why did it rub Neji the wrong way the more he thought about it?

All those thoughts were forgotten once Neji watched Ruman and Naruto bicker about it at the time, with Naruto making his typical vulgar jokes about Ruman, and Ruman putting him in his place.

Her laugh was resounding, and the glimmer in her eyes could light up even the dimmest night sky.

That was the impression Hisashi Ruman had left on Neji, since most of the time they were together was when they were hanging out and socializing with friends, so he only really ever saw the brightest side of her.

That was, until Sasuke left Konoha.

* * *

_"Neji, can we go again?" Ruman stiffly asked Neji, as they took a break from their hours of training and sparring together._

_"I have time," he responded coolly, noticing the bags under his friend's eyes. "But I don't want you to overwork yourself—you're not going to be efficient and it's useless to train if you've already exhausted your body's strength."_

_Ruman simply panted, trying to catch her breath, and wiping the sweat off her face._

_She had stopped wearing makeup recently, and lost a significant amount of weight after her teammate marked himself a rogue ninja._

_It had only been a week since the incident, and while it was the talk of the town, it seemed as if no one wanted to talk about it either._

_Neji didn't know if he "liked" Sasuke, per se, but he had always respected him as a formidable opponent and a decent shinobi._

_But he couldn't deny that watching Ruman, Sakura, and Naruto's silent grief take over them over their lost friend only added to his distaste towards the Uchiha._

_"Again," she demanded, lunging at Neji without waiting for a response._

_Of course, he dodged her quickly enough, but there was no denying that despite his abundance of stamina in comparison to his smaller, female friend, even he was beginning to feel drained after hours of hand-to-hand combat._

_Neji knew Ruman came to him to train because she thought he was strong, and he _was_ more skilled in close-range fighting, but also because she was comfortable with him._

_It was because of their friendship that Neji never turned her down like he would to other people, but she recently just didn't know how to stop._

_After exchanging arms for another few minutes, Neji caught an opening in Ruman's attack and used it to knock her over (as gently as he could) as she landed with a loud thump in the grass._

_He pointed his fist at her, and announced, "You lose. Now take a break—I won't spar with you anymore."_

_Ruman groaned as she rolled over onto her side, her shirt riding up against her torso._

_Her arms and legs were already covered in scratches and bruises, but only then did Neji notice the black and blue patches on her ribcage and back as well._

_"Get up so we can get you some medicine and bandages," Neji chided, walking over to help his friend up, admittedly genuinely concerned for her at this point._

_Training was about balance—one does not get stronger by beating themselves to the ground, but rather by slowly moving forward each day._

_Ruman was getting stronger, yes, but she shouldn't do it like this._

_As Neji approached her, he saw her propping herself up on her arms, crawling to get back on her feet._

_She froze in that position, staring at the ground beneath her as her straight, black hair, dangled down past her face, just above the grass._

_Tears began to fall drop by drop against the dirt, as Ruman clenched clumps of grass between her fingers._

_Her knuckles turned white as she dug her nails into her palms, punching the ground with her fist._

_Neji could only watch silently, unsure of what to do._

_"Would you like to talk about it?" he asked calmly._

_Ruman's face contorted into a pained expression, as she dropped her head in shame._

_"He left us, Neji," she murmured, glimmering tears traveling down her chin. "I watched him leave and I couldn't do a single fucking thing about it."_

_"It wasn't your fault," Neji stated firmly. "Sasuke made his own decision—there was nothing else anyone could have done."_

_"I wasn't strong enough," Ruman rasped. "He didn't even see me as an equal, and I don't deserve to be seen as one... I didn't stand a chance even if I tried."_

_"Ruman, you're stronger than you think," Neji sighed, finally sitting down beside his friend._

_He rolled up his sleeves to show her the blue and green bruises that she'd left on him while they were training._

_"Don't underestimate yourself," he said gently. "You're getting stronger every day."_

_Ruman placed a hand on Neji's bruised arm, and began to cry._

_At first it was silent crying, but then they slowly turned into choking sobs that she tried to hold in._

_Neji simply looked up at the sky, wondering when his friend's pain would come to an end._

_She already had the tendency to blame everything on herself, and he couldn't imagine the emotional burden she carried with herself every day, knowing she let her own teammate slip through her fingers._

_Neji closed his eyes as a single drop of rain landed on his cheek._

_This was the first time he'd seen Ruman cry._

_He only knew she didn't like to cry because she joked about being an ugly crier, but Neji presumed it was most likely because she didn't want to add onto the list of reasons why she would look weak to other people._

_She always felt need to prove her worth, when it was ridiculous and unnecessary in Neji's eyes._

_"A storm is coming," Neji murmured, as Ruman began to calm down beside him, wiping away her last tears._

_"I wonder how long it'll last," she brooded emotionlessly._

* * *

Neji's eye twitched at the memories that washed over him, with Ruman still in his arms.

Uchiha Sasuke didn't deserve the people around him.

Sakura, Ruman, Naruto... they all went through hell and back for him, and who knew where he was now?

Who knew that things would turn out like this?

As Neji took in his current situation, holding someone precious to him in his embrace, he couldn't help but feel a bit uncertain as well.

_What about Sasuke?_

_What if there came a day where Ruman were to remember Sasuke? What then?_

These questions undoubtedly made Neji a bit uneasy, as there was no denying that he did not want to let go of what he had now.

Neji shook these thoughts away with all the mental willpower he had.

He had to live in the moment—it's the only thing he could afford to do.

For now, he would never let Ruman go.

So what if she was damaged?

So what if she couldn't fight like she used to?

That's what she had Neji for; in that moment, Neji made an oath to himself.

He would protect Konoha, protect the Hyūga clan, and protect Hisashi Ruman with his life—even if it meant killing Uchiha Sasuke one day.

* * *

"You see... you've failed me," Tobi said behind the mask.

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked coldly, narrowing his eyes at his new... companion, if you will.

"You and your little team have brought me back one of Killer Bee's tentacles," Tobi quipped. "You all were fooled."

Sasuke raised his eyebrow at the situation.

_So he got away, huh..._

"You may be pleased to know though," Tobi began, his voice turning sinister, revealing the Uchiha that had been revealed to Sasuke before. "Danzo has been appointed the new Hokage of Konoha, and will be attending the Five Kage summit."

"Tch," Sasuke grunted. "Guess I'll just have to kill him then."

With that, the black-haired Uchiha turned around, leaving Madara behind him.

"And after I destroy him..." Sasuke murmured. "Konoha will be next."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers! Sorry this took so long to get to you, I've been trying to catch up on sleep & been drowning in summer work & responsibilities :( I originally wanted to sit down for a few hours & write a really good chapter for you guys, but I just decided to stay up tonight & crunch it out so I can wrap up the 5 stages of grief! I've been at this for a while, lol... I'm amazed how patient you guys are with me ;u; I hope you all like it! Let me know what you guys think (I LOVE reading your comments omFG) & hopefully I'll see you soon~ The story is gonna start picking up from here, kek.


	16. Rebirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruman begins her new life, and has a changed perspective of her former teammate, Sasuke.
> 
> Chapter song: "Lead The Fight On" by He Is We
> 
> "We're the ones with the scars and the stripes, banded forever to a battle that's worth the fight—not the little kids you knew before."
> 
> "We are broken hearts with the motive to move the world."
> 
> "I'm fire, I'm pain—been through hell, been through rain; I'm tired, I'm shame—can't stop me anyway."

"Naruto—put! Me! Down!"

"No!"

"Put me down!"

"No!"

Ruman and Naruto continued to wrestle as he kept his firm grip on her while he carried her in his arms. Ruman writhed around relentlessly, forcing Naruto to repeatedly try different positions of holding her as to not let her escape.

Naruto grimaced as Ruman pushed his face away from her, stretching his neck out as far as it could possibly go.

"Hnnnggghhh...."

Finally, as Naruto carried Ruman princess-style, she took a firm grip on his neck with her left hand and swung her fist at his face with her right. Naruto immediately released her and dodged, recognizing that she was not playing around.

"Why won't you listen to me?!" Naruto yelled, wiping sweat from his forehead. "You shouldn't be working this hard when you just barely started walking again a few weeks ago!"

Ruman crossed her arms at him, sweat also slowly rolling down her temple.

"I'll be fine, Naruto," she huffed stubbornly. "Just because you're stronger than me doesn't mean you should act like you know what's best for me all the time."

"I'M NOT!" he cried, throwing his hands up exasperatedly. "I just want you to get better and take your time without pushing yourself over your limits!"

Ruman sighed.

"Well I'm going to go anyway," she announced, turning her back towards him. "I'll be fine, I promise—trust me, I'll be back in four hours max. It's still really early in the morning right now anyway."

Naruto's palm flew to his face and slid down, his hand dragging his eyes and cheeks downwards with it.

"Just be careful," he mumbled reluctantly, still unhappy with Ruman's refusal to listen.

"Have a little faith, will you?" she replied, rolling her eyes.

Seeing her friends annoyance and uneasiness, Ruman softened her expression. She knew it was only because Naruto cared about her.

"Don't worry," she grinned before disappearing in a flash through the forest.

It's been weeks since Pain's assault on Konoha, and every day began to feel longer than the last.

So much had happened within such a short span of time.

During Ruman's recovery process, Naruto had frequently visited to tell her all about his journey to become more powerful, as well as his life-changing encounter with Nagato.

She realized that it wasn't God who gave her another a chance at life, but Nagato; had it not been for him, the whole village may as well have been annihilated.

Unfortunately, Nagato using his Outer Path to release the captured souls, as well as reviving those who died in Konoha, did not restore Ruman's body to the state before her near-death experience saving Sai. Thus, she was disappointed to learn that she was still incapable of producing enough chakra to use Ninjutsu for long periods of time, but accepting it seemed to be a little easier the second time around, since she was grateful for being granted another chance to live at all.

The silver lining was that she discovered the physical state of her body was still relatively strong, thanks to the intensive and demanding conditioning she endured during her early ninja training.

Ever since Ruman could walk again after recovering from Pain's assault, she, with the permission of her sensei, resumed her training to at least become a _competent_ shinobi, if nothing else. She negotiated with Kakashi-sensei by promising she would not attempt to do anything reckless or dangerous like running off into battle again, and simply wanting to become strong enough where she could protect herself—as well as those weaker than her—to avoid becoming a burden to her comrades.

Seeing no downside to her proposition, along with the lingering feeling of guilt that resurfaced while he faced death just a few weeks ago gnawing at him, Kakashi agreed to train her again. Admittedly, he, too, was mortified at the thought of Ruman, defenseless and powerless, refusing to stand down against an enemy who had no intention of taking mercy on her again.

The weeks following that negotiation, leading up until now, have been the hardest weeks of Ruman's life, as far as she could remember—each day was an exhausting agenda consisting of basic exercise, sparring, running errands, and even education on topics such as weaponry and logical problem-solving, all to ensure Ruman could compensate for her lack of chakra-producing abilities as much as she could with every other aspect.

Kakashi's reasoning was that if, one day, Ruman could not out-fight the enemy, then she would out-run him, out-smart him, or even out-trap him. Kakashi could not afford to lose another student.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Ruman called, running over to him as he stood with Gai-sensei chatting by a tent.

"Hello, Gai-sensei!" she greeted, bowing to him quickly as he just waved to her, grinning.

"You're back," Kakashi noted cheerfully, checking his watch. "Three hours and thirty five minutes, that's quite impressive! But did you manage to find what I asked you for?"

Ruman wasted no time as she rummaged through her bag, pulling out two thick handfuls of dark green, leafy plants. She handed them to her sensei, and as he examined it, she wiped the dirt from her face.

Her hair was a mess, though it was now shoulder-length, it was harder to tie up in the scorching hot weather. But Ruman liked the change—she thought it would be fitting and symbolic of the new life she would lead.

"These look good, Ruman," Kakashi exclaimed. "I knew you could do it, but I didn't think you'd be able to find and bring me back this much."

"Kakashi, aren't these the rare medicinal herbs found in the great plains miles and miles away from here?!" Gai asked in disbelief, realizing what his comrade was holding. "You made your recovering student go all the way there in this sweltering weather by herself? It's dangerous there!"

"I was fine," Ruman reassured Gai-sensei sheepishly. "Don't worry sensei, I was really careful about the animals there and just left as soon as I took as much of the herb as I could."

"You heard her," Kakashi remarked. "Now go bring these to Sakura, Ruman. She could use these, since their healing power is a little stronger than what we have now."

Ruman nodded in understanding and immediately darted off, her short, staticy hair flying behind her.

"Are you sure this is alright, Kakashi?" Gai asked worriedly. "I'm afraid it might be a bit too much for her to handle."

"Have a little bit of faith, Gai," Kakashi said coolly. "She'll get stronger, and by the looks of it, she's doing just fine."

The two Jōnin stood in silence as they watched the young girl disappear into Sakura's medical tent, while the other villagers continued to bustle about, slowly rebuilding their village.

"It's the least I can do for her."

____________________________________________________

Ruman sighed a breath of relief after exiting Sakura's tent—the pink-haired medic was thrilled and shocked to find what plants Ruman held in her hands.

To keep her from worrying, Ruman quickly assured her friend that it was no big deal and that she was fine, followed by making a quick escape to avoid any other questions Sakura might bombard her with. Ruman wasn't dumb—she knew exactly what she was getting herself into when she begged Kakashi-sensei to train her again. She knew it wouldn't be easy, and that most people who cared about her and had the tiniest bit of common sense would not approve.

But she couldn't help herself.

She'd just been given another chance to live, and she would use it, even if it meant exhausting her body to its limits in the process.

"Hi," a deep voice said behind her, causing Ruman to jump a little.

She whipped around with a huge smile and embraced the source of the familiar voice.

"Hey," Ruman grinned, wrapping her arms around the boy's neck and leaning on him a bit, suddenly realizing how truly tired she was from the small mission she was given that morning.

Sure enough, Neji blushed at the sudden contact, still a bit embarrassed at his and Ruman's interactions as of late.

They weren't exactly dating per se, but Ruman had started to act much more openly close, both physically and emotionally, with him since she kissed him when "coming back to life."

In all his honesty, Neji didn't mind at all—of course, it wasn't the type of intimacy he was used to; Ruman interlocking her arms with his, or hugging him before they parted ways to go home, still surprised him and made his heart jump every time. But it was a good balance, since Neji knew himself that he didn't feel ready for an actual relationship yet.

There was too much at stake.

Thus, he enjoyed her company and intimacy in its entire simplicity while it lasted. But some days, he couldn't help but wonder if Sasuke would have been in his place, had he not betrayed the village.

Why would anyone give this up?

Why would anyone leave her behind?

Other days, Neji couldn't help but feel guilty for his relationship with Ruman as well—if Sasuke hadn't gone rogue and turned to evil, there was no way in a thousand years Ruman would have given the Hyūga a chance.

With the way Sasuke and Ruman had once treated each other in the past, though appearing as simple friendship on the surface level, anyone could tell they cared immensely about each other. Ruman wore her heart on her sleeve a bit more, but seeing as Sasuke has never been the warmest or most reciprocative person, the exceptions he made for her were clear.

In fact, all of Team 7, as well as the other teams in their graduating class, loved and cared about each other.

_Why would anyone leave this behind?_

"Hello? Earth to Neji," Ruman called, interrupting Neji's thoughts.

He blinked, realizing he'd been spacing out and standing there like a log in Ruman's arms the whole time.

"Sorry, I just remembered some old memories that were a bit distracting," Neji confessed, finally reciprocating Ruman's embrace by putting his arms around her as well, relishing in her (slightly sweaty) scent before letting go.

"Wanna talk about it?" she asked, brushing some dirt off his shoulder that had transferred onto his clean white shirt from her own dirtied one.

"No, it's nothing serious."

"Whatever you say."

They stood in silence for a while, taking in the silence of the trees and greenery around them, since the other villagers were a good few yards away.

"Say, where have you been all morning?" Neji inquired, breaking the silence. "I know I was busy, but not busy enough to miss you if you were here."

Ruman tensed up, feeling a bit guilty for keeping something from him.

"I just had some errands to run for Kakashi-sensei," she replied simply, looking away from her friend and up at the birds in the trees.

"What errands—"

"Oh shoot!" Ruman exclaimed, cutting Neji off as she jumped to her feet. "I said I'd find Naruto after I came back and I totally forgot."

Neji stood up as well, confused as to why she cut him off so suddenly.

"I know you're super busy too, Neji—and don't try to lie about it," Ruman accused, knowing damn well that he would set aside time just to talk to her, despite his other responsibilities. "Get back to work! I'll come find you later, but I gotta go. Bye!"

With that, she hurriedly dashed off in the opposite direction, completely unsure of where she was even going. She just knew that she had to get away from Neji before he started asking more questions, since she didn't want to feel guilty about lying to his face.

_It's not a lie if I never said anything, right?_

Plus, it was true. She _did_ have to find Naruto to assure him that she's returned safe and sound, and even helped Sakura greatly out by bringing back medicinal herbs that couldn't easily be found around Konoha.

Neji simply stood beneath the large tree he and Ruman were just talking under a few seconds ago, dazed and confused at what had just happened.

He stared blankly after her, but also decided to get back to work.

She was right—he was busy, and just wanted to take a break to talk to her.

She was always right.

____________________________________________________

Ruman sighed to herself as she wandered around the rest of the forest, asking the other working villagers and her friends whether or not they'd seen Naruto. Neji was the second friend she'd had to run from today, so she was glad she was about to talk to a friend that actually knew where she went this morning.

She hated keeping secrets from people she cared about.

"Ugh! Die!"

Ruman heard an angry female voice yell in the distance, along with sounds of punching and fighting.

_Who could be fighting, when Konoha is at its most peaceful time of resurrection right now?_

Concerned, Ruman quickly followed the sounds to investigate.

However, she didn't know if she _wanted_ to see what she found.

Upon locating the source of the noise, Ruman's jaw dropped, and her heart sank.

She saw Naruto, bloodied and battered up with bruises and cuts all over his face, as a dark-skinned girl with blazing red hair stood over him, her knuckles red from presumably punching him.

Ruman practically flew over to them, furious and confused at what was happening.

"Stop!" she cried, startling the red haired girl.

She turned to look at who was interrupting her business, and Ruman was shocked to find that she wore a headband from Kumogakure, the Village Hidden by Clouds, along with another blond, dark-skinned boy who stood behind her.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ruman demanded, kneeling down to examine the injuries on Naruto's face. She turned to Sai, who stood beside Naruto, just watching in shame. "Why didn't you stop her?!"

"Don't worry about me, Ruman," Naruto managed to squeak feebly, his enunciation horrible from the swelling in his purple lips dripping with blood. "Leave."

"This bastard is letting me beat him up willingly," the red-haired girl countered, her annoyed voice coated in anger. "He'd rather let me take my anger out on him than sell out this Sasuke asshole."

Ruman's eyes widened as she took in the situation.

She gritted her teeth together and balled up her fists, knuckles turning a pale, white color.

"We can easily put an end to this if you'll tell me what you know about him though," the red-haired girl scoffed nonchalantly, as Ruman's eyes narrowed.

Ruman's heard plenty of the Uchiha after recovering—about how he was their comrade, about how he betrayed the village, and about how he almost killed her while originally aiming for Sai.

She didn't know why her tears fell at the mention of his name, or why her heart ached—but none of that mattered.

Ruman didn't know him.

She didn't feel an emotional attachment to him, and she saw no reason in protecting him.

Ruman slowly stood up to face the ninja from Kumogakure, her eyes dark as she opened her mouth to speak.

"Ruman, don't!" Naruto objected, afraid she would reveal everything she knew about Sasuke to the two ninjas.

Sai looked relieved that he wouldn't have to continue watching helplessly as his friend got pummeled and socked, and the red-haired girl looked self-satisfied as she awaited Ruman's response.

"Then take it out on me too," Ruman said calmly, raising her head to level her gaze with the ninja's. "I won't tell you shit."

The two women narrowed their eyes at each other, neither willing to back down.

Livid, the red-haired ninja gritted her teeth, and snarled, "Fine—you better not regret it."

In the blink of an eye, Ruman felt a brutal slap her across her cheek, laced with so much impact and fury that her strong, toned legs that she'd built up over the past few weeks crumbled beneath her.

Ruman caught herself and propped herself up on one knee just in time, refusing to fall.

Another slap landed across her opposite cheek, the sting searing across her face as tiny tears emerged from the corners of her eyes.

Ruman wasn't about to cry in front of her friends and the two shinobi from Kumogakure, but she couldn't help her body's physiological response, and she hated herself for it.

"Since you're a girl, I won't mess up your pretty little face," the red-haired ninja taunted, turning around to pick up something behind her.

Realizing that she'd picked up a whip that the villagers used to tame the horse and cattle, Ruman immediately turned around with her arms spread wide apart, hovering over Naruto with as much of her body as she could manage.

"Ruman, please just go," he mumbled weakly, knowing clearly he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't fight the girl from Kumogakure, or else he'd go back on his word... but he didn't want Ruman to suffer with him—this was supposed to be his decision.

But it was too late.

The brutal sound of the whip lashing against Ruman's back rang through the trees, as dozens of terrified birds fluttered away from their branches. Ruman's body lurched forward ever so slightly from the impact, her face scrunched up in pain.

_Stand your fucking ground, Ruman._

Still on one knee, Ruman's unwavering arms and back silently screamed in agony as the ninja flogged her over and over, each time harsher than the last.

But no matter what, she would not allow her to touch Naruto again, not with Ruman there.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Sai winced at each whipping, and even the other Kumogakure boy standing behind her looked away, unable to watch his comrade's merciless attack on the defenseless girl kneeling before them, desperate to protect Naruto at the expense of her own body.

Finally, at the sight of blood trickling down Ruman's arms and the little bit of skin exposed on her back underneath her black tank top, Sai intervened, unable to take any more.

"Enough," he said coolly, his hand having a firm grasp on hers, stopping her from using the whip—slightly tainted red with Ruman's blood—again.

"Yeah, I think you're going a little overboard, Karui," the blonde-haired boy spoke out hesitantly. "Haven't you had enough?"

"Far from it," she growled, raising her arm again.

Ruman could barely keep her eyes open as she just wanted to collapse onto the ground—her body was already exhausted from running to collect herbs in scorching weather in the morning, doing her best to avoid danger, and now she was struggling to stay conscious with all her new additional injuries.

She could barely make out the other ninjas' words as her vision blurred.

The last thing she saw when she looked over her shoulder to see as to why the whipping stopped, was a curvy ninja with blunt, platinum blonde short hair arrive and retrieve her wards, "Karui and Omoi."

She had said something about the Raikage and collecting intel, followed by Karui flinging the bloodied whip at Sai's feet, angrily storming off. Omoi simply looked behind him with an expression of pity at Ruman and Naruto, both immobilized, and quietly followed.

"I got you," Sai said gently, catching Ruman before she collapsed face-first into the grass.

"Are they gone?" Ruman asked bleakley through half-lidded eyes. Every nerve in her body howled in torture, her head throbbing.

"Yes," Sai replied, before helping Naruto up on his feet, and picking Ruman up into both of his arms once his hands were free.

Naruto looked at all the red marks over Ruman's body sadly, feeling both guilty and helpless that he'd unintentionally dragged his friend into this.

Earlier that morning he tried to stop her from going on a grueling mission, afraid that she'd acquire unnecessary injuries or drain herself.

And now, because of him, Ruman was barely conscious and covered in cuts, bruises and blood that would surely leave scars to remind her of the sole reason why she obtained them.

What a hypocrite.

Naruto reached out to hold Ruman's limp hand, squeezing it slightly.

"I'm so sorry."

Ruman opened her eyes to the best of her ability, looking Naruto dead in the eye. Her eyes were still glassy from all the stinging in her body, but she had to talk to him.

"I believe in you, Naruto," she breathed, squeezing his hand back. "I believe in what you fight for, and I will support you the entire time—this is my decision, so don't feel guilty about things I choose to do."

Though still looking sad, Naruto knew it was more important to get them first aid than to dwell on his guilt.

"Sai, please help us get patched up somewhere away from Sakura so she doesn't worry about us," Naruto requested. "She might actually beat me up me when she sees me like this, and then proceed to kill me when she finds out how Ruman ended up like this too."

"Of course," Sai answered, immediately walking with Naruto to a place with fewer people, avoiding Sakura at all costs on the way.

"Thanks for carrying me, Sai," Ruman murmured. "I lost some weight lately, so hopefully your arms don't fall off."

"My arms are attached to my body, of course they will not fall off," Sai answered with a tight smile. "Please just do not move around too much, and do not do something stupid like that again for one of us where you get hurt."

Ruman exhaled at Sai's dry but serious request, realizing he was referring to how she ended up chakra-less in the first place.

As they walked in silence, a dark figure in the trees watched them carefully before disappearing into the forest.

____________________________________________________

"Danzo-sama, it appears that Sai hasn't revealed anything about Root to Naruto yet," Torune disclosed to his master, bent down on one knee with his head down.

Danzo was silent, as he brooded in the darkness over what this meant.

Was he overthinking the possibility that Sai would betray his roots?

"How are the rest of Team 7 doing?" Danzo asked his henchman.

"Sakura has been busy attending to the wounded as a medical ninja," the 19-year-old Aburame reported. "But Uzumaki Naruto and Hisashi Ruman... they recently just took a beating when interrogated regarding Uchiha Sasuke's whereabouts by a Kumogakure ninja."

Danzo narrowed his eyes as he tightened his grip on his cane.

"Uchiha Sasuke is a murderer, a traitor, and a threat to the our existence," Danzo scoffed. "We cannot afford for our own shinobi to remain loyal to a rogue ninja more so than their homeland and village that raised them."

Torune was silent.

"As the new Hokage of Konoha, perhaps separating them would be best, to prevent them from getting any ideas of rebellion against our orders," Danzo announced coldly, turning around and beginning to walk away.

"Danzo-sama, what are my orders?" Torune asked, still on his knee.

Danzo stopped in his tracks for a bit.

"Bring me the Ruman girl."

"Understood."

____________________________________________________

Ruman felt uneasy following behind the tall boy who was a part of the Anbu training subdivision, Root. She didn't know why she'd suddenly been summoned by the Sixth Hokage, but she didn't have a good feeling about it.

The Konoha Council of elders, along with Danzo-sama, had always been vocal about their more conservative views on the way the village governed. Though never personally having interacted with him, Ruman couldn't explain the slight disturbance she felt in the back of her mind towards the man.

Hell, she wasn't even sure if Danzo was a good candidate to become the Sixth Hokage—if it were up to her, she would make Kakashi Hokage, even if it meant he wouldn't have time to train her any more.

"The Hokage is waiting for you inside," the Anbu boy said, interrupting Ruman's thoughts.

Ruman nodded in thanks to him, and entered through the familiar looking door of the Hokage's office.

But it wasn't the warm feeling of welcome that she felt upon walking in—the office now felt cold, empty, and daunting.

Ruman bowed her head at the old bandaged man sitting behind Tsunade-sama's former desk.

Oh, how she missed her already. Ruman hoped Tsunade would recover, but chances were looking slim.

"Hokage-sama, you asked for me?" she asked respectfully, avoiding eye contact, eyes fixed on the dark, wooden floor.

"Yes, Ruman, was it?" Danzo asked emotionlessly, slowly standing up from his desk to walk to the window.

"Yes, sir."

Danzo scanned Ruman's body up and down, paying lingering attention to the blood seeping through her fresh bandages.

"Were you wounded on a mission?" he questioned, tapping his fingers against his cane.

"I was being reckless, but these injuries are nothing serious," Ruman lied.

Danzo turned to look out the window, turning his back to Ruman as she straightened her back, standing up fully.

"I will get to the point then," he announced. "We believe you have reason to committing treason against the village of Konoha, an unforgivable and crime deserving punishment of exile—or death."

Ruman began to hear a ringing loudly in her ears.

Was he being serious? Did she hear him correctly? There's no way—

"Have you nothing to say?" he interrogated harshly, cutting off her thought process. "Do you admit to your crimes?"

Ruman dropped down onto one knee, one hand on the floor with the other on her knee, bowing her head.

"Hokage-sama, with all due respect, I don't know what you're talking about," she replied as calmly as she could, not sure how long she could mask the confusion and panic in her voice. "I have put my life on the line, trained until my body reached exhaustion, protected my comrades and my village, and remained loyal to Konoha."

"And what if I don't believe you?" Danzo said nonchalantly, walking back to his desk, his eyes glancing over Ruman's open file.

"Danzo-sama, please," Ruman began, her voice almost shaking. "I would die for this village and the people in it; I have abided by my morals and values as a shinobi, losing almost everything I had to save Sai—and I would willingly do it again for anyone in Konoha."

A string of worst-case scenarios began to race through Ruman's mind.

Was she going to be exiled? Killed? Where did Danzo even get this idea?

"I'm sure that's what Uchiha Sasuke pledged before betraying his village, and killing innocent people after going rogue," the Hokage said coldly, his words piercing through Ruman's heart.

So that's why.

_That fucking bastard._

Ruman didn't even remember anything about Sasuke, and he's still dragging her down with his actions?

"I would never follow in that traitor's footsteps," Ruman forced through gritted teeth, the hand on her knee digging her nails into her skin, while her hand on the floor clenched itself into a fist.

Danzo contemplated Ruman's response for a minute, before taking out a pen to write in Ruman's file.

"I will give you one chance to prove your loyalty to Konoha," Danzo said casually, beckoning for Ruman to rise from the floor.

Ruman stood up carefully, not wanting to mess anything up.

"There is an undercover location disguised as an impartial trade market not affiliated with any particular village," he began emotionlessly, without a single care for Ruman, who was honestly just relieved that Danzo didn't seem serious about prosecuting her. "I want you to work there undercover to gather intel until I allow your return."

"I understand," Ruman said immediately, eager to prove her innocence and loyalty.

"However..." Danzo trailed off, his fingers tracing the edges of Ruman's folder. "It is quite close to a potential location we suspect to be the Akatsuki's hideout, which is very far from here—you'll be on your own."

Ruman's eye twitched.

She couldn't give less of a damn about the Akatsuki—she'd punch Uchiha Sasuke in the face if she could for causing so much trouble and pain around her, but Ruman also couldn't deny that the danger was just a bit daunting to think about.

"And one more thing," Danzo started, flipping Ruman's file shut. "You are to go unaffiliated with Konohagakure."

Ruman's eyes widened.

"Sir... you want me to go as a rogue ninja?" Ruman asked, dread tugging at her stomach.

"Do you have an issue with it?" Danzo questioned, his eye narrowing at her. "Or do I need to explicitly tell you that this is my nice way of suspending you from the village until you prove your worthiness?"

"No, sir."

Ruman prided herself on her roots in Konoha, even more so as a shinobi here.

But to have that taken away, stripped of her title and affiliation, seemed that much more unnerving, but also shameful.

She didn't have a choice.

"Leave by dawn tomorrow," Danzo ordered firmly, putting Ruman's file away, indicating that he was finished with discussing this topic. "I should not have to make it clear that no one else is to know about this, for the sake of your safety, as well as those you care about."

Ruman bowed in understanding, and took her leave.

____________________________________________________

The sky had grown dark, and Ruman packed her things to take with her on her journey.

The location Danzo had given her was hundreds of miles away, and who knew how long she'd be there?

Weeks? Months? Years, even?

_Hisashi Ruman, how did you get yourself into this..._

Ruman looked at her reflection in the mirror of her dresser, stroking her new, short hair.

She wore darker colors recently—her tank top, which used to always be white, has now switched to a dark, navy midnight-blue color, and she no longer wore her kimono cardigan decorated with peach blossoms.

Ruman had changed her appearance almost entirely since returning to life.

She now wore a long, black, robe-like coat that reached just above her knees, lined with white accents along the edges, as well as the sleeves.

She had grown older, and out of her naive ways. She couldn't save everyone, even if she tried, and there was no beauty in fighting.

The peach blossoms on her kimono cardigan had once made her feel pretty while training, but that was no longer the case.

She was a different person now.

She fought for her life, for the lives of those she cared about, and for the safety of her village.

And now, she must prove her loyalty in order to even be given a chance again.

Ruman tied her black Konoha headband against her forehead, securing it tightly, as she had a long journey to make that night.

She gripped her freshly sharpened kunai knife in her hand tightly, so tightly she was almost trembling.

Ruman brought the tip of the knife to the left of her headband, making a deep slash through the distinctive Konoha symbol.

The screeching of metal against metal rang eerily through her empty home.

After tonight, there would be no more Hisashi Ruman of Konohagakure.

She would become Hisashi Ruman, rogue ninja.

She took a deep breath and leapt out her window, leaving behind her life without turning back.

As Ruman leaped across the rooftops of the quiet village, the cold night wind brushed across her cheek sharply.

Only the stars and the moon would keep her company tonight as she began her lonesome journey.

She felt sorry towards her friends.

Naruto, Shikamaru, Sakura, Sai... Neji.

How would she even begin to explain that she had to leave them all behind, right after Sasuke left them behind, in order to prove that she wasn't guilty of treason? Or that if she explained to them what was really going on, that her life, as well as theirs, could be in danger due to a disguised threat the Sixth Hokage had made towards her?

Ruman's heart ached at the thought of abandoning Neji; things had just started to look up for them, and now she was throwing him away.

Without realizing it, Ruman had reached the main gate of Konoha—Izumo and Kotetsu were on guard again, as per usual. They sat alert, making conversation boredly as they always did.

Just as Ruman contemplated whether she wanted to make a run for it without hurting them, or simply knocking them out, she saw a shadow flash by, and, in the blink of an eye, Izumo and Kotetsu were unconscious at their post.

"Not even going to say goodbye?" a voice said next to her, just after Ruman flashed as far as she could.

Ruman halted to an abrupt stop at the familiar voice.

"Kakashi-sensei!" she exclaimed as she grew concerned, realizing her situation.

Surely enough, her young, grey-haired sensei stood tall in the moonlight, standing a few feet away from her, his hands in his pockets.

"You shouldn't be here," Ruman said quietly, looking away.

"I heard what happened," Kakashi informed her, his voice unreadable.

Was he angry? Disappointed? Confused, like she was?

"Really?" Ruman asked, slightly hopeful.

Could there possibly be someone she could talk to about her bizarre situation now?

"Well, more like I found out," Kakashi admitted, scratching his head sheepishly as he walked toward his student. "Thought you might want to see me before you left."

Truthfully, he was right.

There was no one else Ruman would rather see more right in this moment, right now in her time of confusion, sadness, and anger.

Everything was so unfair.

The more she worked for something, the more she tried, the further it grew from her.

Unsure of how to express her thoughts into words, or what she was even allowed to say, Ruman simply hugged her sensei tightly, burying her head into his firm chest.

"This is so unfair," she mumbled, the cold night air breezing through her robe as it flapped in the wind.

Kakashi ruffled her hair and leaned down to whisper in Ruman's ear.

"You're not actually guilty of treason, you know that, don't you?" he said quietly.

"Yeah," she responded. "Danzo wants to separate us, and since Sakura is a talented medical ninja, Naruto is a powerful jinchuuriki, I'm the only one left who's expendable and can be done something about."

Ruman gritted her teeth, but Kakashi lifted his head back up, reassured that his student was quick enough to figure out the real reason why she was being sent away.

"We don't deserve to be suffering for Sasuke's consequences," Ruman said coldly.

"Maybe one day you'll feel differently," Kakashi said gently, letting go of his student.

Ruman stepped away from him, wiping away what appeared to be a small tear that had formed in the corner of her eye.

"Just be careful," Kakashi warned, handing her a small, silver pendant with what appeared to be a wolf carved onto it. "I have the other matching half of this pendant—no one else in this village other than Danzo and I should know where you're going, so don't trust anyone who might seem like you know. If you see that they have this pendant, you'll know you can trust them."

"Thanks, sensei," Ruman said, slightly happy that at least someone came to see her off as she took the pendant from him, tying it around her neck.

"Remember that Ronin are some of the most feared and despised shinobi," Kakashi reminded grimly. "People are either afraid of you, or abhor you—just watch your back."

"I will," Ruman assured, growing sadder and sadder by the moment that she would have to leave the sensei she adored behind. "Well, thanks for taking care of Izumo and Kotetsu for me—then I don't have to feel guilty about hitting them."

"Consider it my parting gift," Kakashi grinned. "Now go, and be careful."

Ruman smiled sadly in response, thankful for all that her sensei did for her.

She waved, before disappearing into the darkness.

Kakashi stared after her, knowing that once the sun rose the next day, he would have two students labelled as having gone rogue, with crimes and bounties on their heads.

____________________________________________________

Madara looked up at the moon, and turned to Sasuke, who sat next to him.

"Konoha's moving."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks for being so patient omg, I promise I won't give up on this story, I've just been crazy busy with school/work & trying to figure out different ways I want to go about writing it... I've also been brainstorming a Boku no Hero Academia fanfiction, so that's why my updates have been slow (as if they're not always slow LOL). Thanks for still supporting me though! Trust me, I'm always working on writing, it just takes me a while to be satisfied with it—even this chapter felt really rushed, but I just wanted to crunch it out and move the story along. Please let me know if you guys like it!! Your positive comments always give me so much more motivation to keep me writing ^^ Hope to see you all soon, and take care of yourselves in the meantime!!


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